Friday, 17 August 2007

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

Footwear Protest in Saltburn

Residents of Saltburn will have noticed a regular fixture outside Smurfield's Supermarket of late where a protest has been taking place by The British Larger Footwear Association representative,
Kitty Heels and her partner Justin.

Their regular cry of "Bigger Shoes", can be heard in the town square most mornings and is intended to raise local awareness of the harm that can be caused by shoes that are too small.

"This is a problem that could be easily solved if the political will existed," said Kitty, "as well as raising awareness on this issue we will be collecting money to help people with chronically tight shoes."

We wish Kitty and Justin well on what is obviously a very big issue for them.

Monday, 13 August 2007

PCSO Controversy

Teesside police force today said they had employed lobsters as Police Community Support Officers after it emerged that two had already been recruited.

Despite being just out of school, Teesside Police has hired the duo, whose duties will involve confiscating alcohol - from bivalves.

The move by Teesside Police has triggered a row about public safety and allegations that forces - and the Government - are trying to "police on the cheap".

But other forces today claimed they would hire arthropod PCSOs, including Humberside which currently has a 17-day-old on the books, Northamptonshire which had two lobster PCSOs , Durham, Staffordshire and Norfolk forces, which all said they did not have any lobsters working but would consider hiring them.

Teesside Police insisted the pair of arthropods had been given the job because they had the necessary skills.

"We have recruited these lobsters because they demonstrated the skills that we need," said the spokesman, "They may not be very pretty, but boy can they scuttle!"

"They bring experience of being able to interact with the public, especially molluscs. If you are good enough you are old enough."

The development is the latest controversy to hit PCSOs, dubbed Blunkett's Bobbies after the Home Secretary who created them - but now being branded Blunkett's Babies.

Thursday, 9 August 2007

Business Booming for Eddy

Regular readers will recall the recent trials and tribulations of our friend Eddy Bellend detailed here and here.

Eddy called in to our offices recently to tell us that business is booming for his mobile chimney sweeping service.

"Ever since your last article on the business, I've been very busy," he said, "in fact yesterday I was called to a house where the lady didn't even have a chimney! She just wanted me to set fire to her curtains! The fire brigade arrived very promptly I must say, although she told me she'd dialed 999 before I'd even arrived!"

It seems Eddy's business is going from strength to strength.

Oh Bugger!

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Dawkins and the "Psychic".

Funny. Rest of it here.

"He also meets a therapist who says she can teach him how to use his "psychic energy", a kinesiologist who "clears energy blockages in the meridian system" and a "psychic sister" who talks about Mr Dawkins senior as though he were dead, until Prof Dawkins points out that his father is very much alive."

Monday, 6 August 2007

New Building Regulations

Readers are reminded that the Lavatorial Orientation Regulations come into force from the 1st 0f September with which all new buildings must comply. This means that all new buildings must be built in such a way as not to offend Muslims in that the toilets must not face Mecca. They must be specially designed so that they do not face South East.

Councillor Jack Daw, now recovering from his recent bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania said, "Saltburn Town Council is determined to stamp out the entirely fictional curse of islamaphobia and as such is proud to be associated with this government initiative. Frankly we don't mind how much of other people's money we spend playing this absurd game of gesture politics and holier than thou"

Sunday, 5 August 2007

Library News

The library sex hot line, as detailed here, has been a run away success, according to town Librarian Maggie Wood.

"The hot line has been so successful that we have been able to substantially increase our collection of Victorian erotica," she said.

"We thought it might be time to do something for the ladies, so in September every book, CD or DVD that we lend to a lady Library member will be accompanied by a saucy picture of a Fireman!"
she continued. "We've printed a large number of extra membership application forms in anticipation of an increase in demand."

Saturday, 4 August 2007

Thursday, 2 August 2007

Saltburn Country Women's Association

Twenty six ladies of the Saltburn Association met on the fifth of July.

Jayne Smythe won the items in a matchbox competition with 91 items of various descriptions being fitted into a small matchbox. Allegations of box tampering were dismissed after a steward's enquiry. Jayne's long time rival, Betty Harpingon was disqualified after failing a routine drugs test and is now facing a ban of six months. Our congratulations to Jayne who won a bottle of wine and a fireman's phone number.

This month's meeting takes place on the seventh of August. The committee has asked us to point out that although the usual 'Bingo-Wings' competition will be taking place, anyone found to have consumed an inordinate number of Pot Noodles or peanut butter will be disqualified.

May the best lady win!

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Urgent Request from the Fire Brigade.

Saltburn Firechief, Paul Wanger has been in touch with the Subversives to warn of a spate of chimney fires in the town lately. He's told us that the brigade is being called out two or three times a day to burning chimneys in Saltburn and householders are being advised to take more care when lighting their fires and to ensure that their chimneys are swept regularly.

"My men are only human", he told us, "there are only so many times that a fireman can insert his hose into a chimney. Frankly my men are approaching the point of exhaustion!"

So ladies, please take more care when you need warming up and make sure that things don't get out of control.

Quack of the Month Award

This month's Quack of the month award goes to Katherine Fu whose website is here. Check out the price list! Brilliant! If only we all had the front to charge this sort of money for a load of bullshit. We'd all be rich.

Katherine scores 8 out of ten on the Quackometer which states

"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind.,"

The usual bucket of cow dung is on the way to you Katherine!

NB We do need the bucket back. Recent awardees have not been very cooperative in this respect. We feel we must point out that this blog is run on a shoestring. We cannot continue to make these awards unless we get the bucket back. Afterall there are so-o-oo many bullshit merchants in Saltburn (and surrounding area- Katherine!), we'd soon be bankrupt otherwise!

Monday, 30 July 2007

Tip for Tazz

How to avoid having to serve customers here.

Saturday, 28 July 2007

Harptallica

Just what Saltburn Folk festival needs




website here!

Friday, 27 July 2007

Folk Festival Latest

Following our recent announcement regarding the Folk Festival, Death Metal fans will be pleased to learn that two legendary members of 'The Butthole Symptoms' will be making a guest appearance.

Lead singer Fecal Staines and legendary guitarist Skidd Marks will be performing an acoustic version of their top ten hit, 'The Grapes of Wrath,' taken from last year's hit CD 'Colonoscopy,'
whilst simultaneously buggering a gerbil, to draw attention to climate change.

New Honour for Skelton


Saltburn Subversives understand that the Department of the Ungulate Environment and Heritage is about to designate Skelton an 'Area of Outstanding Natural Bestiality.'

A spokesman from the Department said, "We've been meaning to make this award to this funny Skelton place for some time, in view of its reputation but we couldn't remember where it was. My assistant, Smallcreep says it might be up north somewhere. So there you are."

We understand that any proposed change or improvement to ungulates in the Parish of Brotton and Skelton will now be subject to the usual planning regulations.

Death Metal Comes to Saltburn

Organisers have told SS that this year’s Saltburn Music Festival is set to expand yet again. Folk music will remain the biggest draw and centrepiece of the festival but recent years have seen the addition of a Jazz Stage, a Comedy Tent and rave style disco. This year a new Death Metal Stage will see bands appearing at The Mick public House on Wallaby Street. Bands already confirmed are given below.

Corpse Christie
Christian hardcore death metal band fronted by the enigmatic local vicar of St. Darren’s Lonnie Donegan-Cross, Corpse Christi are truly original exponents of the genre. They use their music to promote their own insane version of Christianity and the gospel stories provide surprisingly apt lyrical material for a death metal band. ‘Thorny Crown’, ‘Scourge My Pillar’, ‘Nailed’ and their homage to Kurt Cobain ‘Smells Like Apostle Carcass’ are typical of their work. Not for the faint of heart or, indeed, Richard Dawkins.

Arsehole Detonation
Regular appearances at The Mick have seen this local band rise from nowhere to an appearance on Radio Cleveland’s’ ‘Riffing’ programme within a matter of mere years. Enjoying massive local support, the groups’ cover versions include a medley of songs paying tribute to international rock god and blue plaque nominee David ‘The Perm’ Coverdale. Book your tickets early to avoid disappointment.

Rite of Sayten
Doom-laden riffs and sinister low-registered vocals from local auctioneer John Sayten and his latest outfit. Their latest material offers a new take on the genre. Titles from their new CD, ‘Gut the Chesterfield’, ‘Boxes of Shite’, ‘Rusty Tool Abuser’ and ‘Fucked Dining Suite’, provide a flavour of the key themes. The band will also be offering a smattering, or should that be splattering, of covers. Just make sure you don’t talk when he’s playing.

Devilled Kidney
Covers band with a difference, the Kidney play mainstream pop death style. The lyrics are adapted too but there’s no mistaking the original numbers. Expect heavy, heavy versions of Yes’ ‘Owner of a Dodgy Heart’, Elvis Costello’s ‘Oliver’s Broken Army’, Guns n’ Roses ‘Parasite City’ and Abba’s ‘Have You got the Shites Fernando’.

Rancid Pussfuckers
Expect controversy and mayhem from this Skinningrove quartet who recently hit the national news when the Police, instructed by the Health and Safety Executive, closed down one of their gigs in Great Ayton. The climax of their show features the mad metallers head-banging to their anthem ‘Lanced Boil’ which reached number 7 in the Kerrang chart. Unfortunately, the group’s stage props were not to taste of the authorities. During the final chorus a huge bucket marked ‘cyst effluent’ appeared on stage at which point singer, Norman Cadaver, began throwing it at the audience. The Fuckers were released after it later transpired that they had earlier made a secret bulk purchase of homemade pea soup from Saltburn’s Only Organics.

Talks are still ongoing to secure other acts. Local bands tipped to appear are New Marske cross-over garage death-punk band Wank, Tapeworm fronted by Saltburn Hospital Radio DJ Steven Ulcer and Redcar’s Knob Vessel. Acts from further afield are rumoured to include Sweden’s Scombid Artery, a three-piece band from Belgium called Grunt, Anaesthetist from Plymouth and Mancunian doom merchants Terminal Tumour.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

A Message from 'Brown Owl'

Leader of the Salturn Brownie pack, Petronella Horse-Box, has been in touch with the Subversives
to explain a few changes in official Brownie policy and with some words of advice for parents.

"We are looking to cut down on the number of available merit badges, so that the money saved can be spent on extra ammunition for the up coming 'Duck Derby.' The existing badge awards 'Safe Sex', and 'Assembling Flat-Pack Furniture,' will be amalgamated, and a single badge will be awarded in future entitled 'Handling Erections'," Miss Horse-Box explained.

"Parents are reminded that Brownies representing Saltburn at the Duck Derby must present themselves with clean weaponry. Ammunition will not be issued by the armoury unless gun barrels and firing mechanisms are spotlessly clean! A clean weapon is an accurate weapon I always say! Please remember also that the use of decoys attached to land mines or other explosive devices is being discouraged this year as it tends to spoil the fun for other participants and attract anti-social elements such as people from Skelton, and I don't want to have to use the Brengun again this year."

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Tree Fossil Discovery


Recent erosion of the coastline around Saltburn caused by gerbil warming has exposed a number of fossilized trees to the light of day. Professor Dribble of the Saltburn campus of Hull University has been examining them in an attempt at classification.

"The best preserved example we believe to be a Gucci Shoe Tree, which was very common in this area during the Cretaceous period," he told Saltburn Subversives, " they began to die out when we elected a socialist council and such bourgeois fripperies were banned, although a small population is believed to survive in the vicinity of Victoria Terrace."

An artist's impression of the Gucci Shoe Tree is pictured right.

Council Drops One!

Attentive readers will be aware that the new 'Politically Correct Forenames Act' is due to come into force on the 1st of August. Details here.

Councillor Jack Daw has issued the following ststement from his hospital bed where he is convalescing from another bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania.

"This Council is determined to eliminate the curse of Islamophobia from our society and consequently the names Kevin and Ian have been added to the list of unacceptable forenames. Unfortunately, due to an oversight the Council has been unable to pass the necessary enforcement measures regarding the legislation and will not be in a position to ensure compliance for at least two weeks after the 1st of August. We deeply regret the inconvenience caused to the people of Saltburn and assure them that a thorough going and wide ranging review of Council procedures will now take place. This review is expected to take at least five years."

Councillor Daw is expected to resume his duties shortly.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

New Start for Eddy

Regular readers might remember the troubles experienced by Eddy Bellend detailed here.

Eddy has been in contact again to explain that he is now starting a mobile chimney sweeping service on the suggestion of a friend. So far business has been picking up he said, "I wasn't convinced at first. It seemed like a silly idea! But I've had one customer so far and she didn't seem to mind when I accidentally set fire to the chimney with the combined chimney sweeper and flame thrower. I'm now much more optimistic, and it won't take long for my eyebrows to grow back."

We can only wish him well.

Monday, 23 July 2007

Martians Unaffected by Floods NASA Claims!

Unlikely news from the red planet here.

Probably filmed in a warehouse in the Nevada desert, like their earlier stuff.

Fireman Shuns Shag Shock!

Female residents of Saltburn were shocked yesterday as news reached them that one of the town's Fireman, (who can't be named for his own safety) had failed to give one of their number a good seeing to yesterday.

Firechief, Paul Wanger told the Subversives. "A full investigation is being carried out and we can assure the Ladies of Saltburn that if any intentional dereliction of duty has taken place disciplinary proceedings will be commenced immediately. It may be the incident took place due to a medical condition. We did all we could at the time, rushing to the scene with the usual Fire Service specialist porno movies and little blue pills but by the time we got there the victim was suffering from shock. We believe that she is still under sedation and staying with friends."

"The lads are having a whip round to get her a new Rabbit for when she recovers," Mr. Wanger continued, "as a gesture of goodwill."

An outraged Joan of 'Only Organics' commented "You just can't rely on anyone these days!"

Beer Calendar

Next month's Beer Calendar is here.

Walking Stick Man Retires


Regular readers will be saddened to learn that a much loved local character is about to retire.

Walking stick repair man Michael Settee is set to retire at the end of the month, after 40 years tending Saltburn's walking sticks. Mr. Settee is a well known 'character' in the town, often to be seen outside the Gents' toilets in the square offering his very personal service.

Many people will know him as a stalwart of the Saltburn Hard of Thinking Club and an active member of the local Moustache League. Mr. Settee told the Subversives that he wishes to spend more time with his moustache.

"I want to grow the perfect 'Pancho Villa'," (pictured right) he told us.

We wish him the very best of luck.

Sunday, 22 July 2007

Smoking Ban Latest

Saltburn Town council officials have ordered The Pier Amusements to shut its windows and doors to stop cigarette smoke drifting inside from cargo ships and tankers passing Saltburn on their way to Teesport.

The enforcement officers warned that fumes from smokers on board passing vessels could waft through and violate the ban. (picture right).

They told staff to keep all windows and doors closed throughout the summer months — or risk being fined.

Regular customer Marion Morrison said: “I was using the slot machines and trying to pick up teenage girls when the two officers came in and spoke to the manager and they then closed the windows."

“I’m a supporter of the smoking ban, but this was an overzealous way to enforce the new law.”

Environmental health officer Ms J Hand-Wringer said: “I can confirm we advised the premises that the windows be closed.

“This is in keeping with good practice to ensure compliance with the spirit of the legislation.

“Every situation is different and we need to ensure nonsmokers don’t have to endure smoke blowing in from outside.”



Saturday, 21 July 2007

Los Angeles Welcomes Victoria.

Rusty Wheel Scare Closes Saltburn Beach

A Rusty Wheel scare closed part of Saltburn beach yesterday.

Police blocked the Saltburn-Brotton road near the Ship Inn and threw a 300-yard radius cordon round the site of what was thought to be a rusty wheel.

But Jane Hott, who manages the Ship with husband Lennie, claimed police allowed a bus to go through, but turned back motorists heading for the pub.

"People were sitting on our wall overlooking the sea while the rusty wheelbarrow wheel was 60 yards away between our slipway and the Cat Nab cafe.

"It was farcical. No-one wanted anyone to be in danger, but the police had to be consistent.

"We were really annoyed the police stopped people coming from Brotton. We were already here so there was no reason why these customers could not have come in. There was a lack of communication.

"It was at least 2pm before the incident was sorted out. We were without customers except for a few regulars."

Police said they had to cordon off the area and close roads as a safety precaution. "An immediate response was undertaken," said a spokeswoman. About the criticism from the Ship Inn, she said: "I can understand their view because they lost trade, but we would have been criticised if we had not taken action. And the bus was from Skelton so that didn't really matter. We can't take a risk with the public's health and safety."

The incident - the first of its type for more than 20 years at Saltburn beach - started soon after 11am when a man rushed in to the Smugglers' Experience heritage centre, next to the Ship, saying he had found something suspicious on the beach.

Staff member Stephanie Paul King, 22, said: "He was agitated and we dialled 999 for the coastguard. Police arrived within two minutes and cordoned off the area.

"We were told to go home so we shut up shop for the day. It was quite alarming."

Cleveland Police said the alarm was raised at 11.10am and a Catterick Rusty Wheel Disposal unit was alerted, arriving at 1.14pm and blowing up the suspicious object, which was a foot in diameter with six bolts, and turned out to be an extremely dangerous Second World War rusty wheelbarrow wheel.

The police spokeswoman added: "We often find bits of old wheelbarrow and have to evacuate areas."

Other parts of Saltburn beach were not affected.

Passerby and regular at the Ship, Jimmy F C Horace said, "If they'd wanted it blown up I've got a foot pump on the fuc**ng allotment. Cu%*s!"



Friday, 20 July 2007

Gratuitous Nigella


No gratuitous Nigella for an unforgivable length of time, so here's one.

Secrets of How to Become Pope!


For all of you who like irrational but deeply held beliefs, the secrets of how to obtain temporal power are here.

Next week details of 'Marxist/Leninist'
or how to become a communist mass murderer. Watch this space.

Who says we're not nice to you religious fantasists?

News Flash for Skeltonians

Saltburn Fancy Dress shop in Milton Street has asked us to point out that it has just received a large consignment of sheep costumes for those of our readers from Skelton who like to indulge in this favourite leisure activity.

The owner, Mathew, has asked us to point out that customers will be charged extra if the costumes are returned bearing stains of an unusual nature.

Letter from the Blogmeister

Just a short note to say what an honour it is to serve the people of Saltburn. I'm sure I don't have to remind you of all my hard work and self-sacrifice on your behalf. My tireless efforts at self-promotion have probably seen to that but it's all been worth it, for such a wonderful town as Saltburn-by-the-Sea.

Love, Bwian.

PS Please note this has nothing to do with those blue plaque thingies described here. I don't really approve of those, obviously! I would be a very reluctant recipient, but might accept one to please my wife, who says a plaque would look nice on our humble abode. I leave the rest to you lovely readers.

Heartfelt Plea to Blogmeister

I have received the following letter from a local businessman which we think deserves reproducing in full,

"Dear Blogmiester,

I don't know where to start, but I'm sitting here on a nice summer's day, wondering what to do with my shop 'Chimneys R Us'.

As some of you may know, I offer a first class chimney sweeping service to the people of Saltburn. I've been open for 3 months now and haven't had a single customer. Yes, that's right not a single customer has seen fit to bring their chimney into the shop to take advantage of our excellent service. I've not had a wage in all this time and frankly it's putting my health at risk.

People say 'Don't close Eddy' but a lot of these people don't use the shop. It will be sad if I have to leave, but I think I'll be gone by Christmas.'

Yours sincerely, Eddy Bellend of 'Chimneys R Us'."

So come on Salburners, take your chimneys in to Eddy!

Love, Bwian.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Plaque Campaign for Purple Frontman



Following the recent announcement of Blue Plaques to commemorate Saltburn greats, members of Purple Helmet, the local rock appreciation society, have set themselves an ambitious new goal. The society, dedicated to the remembrance and celebration of dated melodramatic rock music, have launched a campaign for a plaque to commemorate the great David Coverdale, ex-lead frontman with Deep Purple and, latterly, Whitesnake.

Saltburn's only world famous rock star, Coverdale was brought up in what used to the Britallic* public house on Marine Parade before attending Saltburn University from where he graduated with a 2(ii) in Surfing Studies with Pier Management. Cutting his gigging teeth on the Redcar circuit with local heavy rock band Spanish Elbow, The Dale, as was he was known around Saltburn, got his big break after replying to an advert in the Teesside Musical Express to audition for a ‘well known established band, have written classics, seek tuned in rock god with projectile vocal’. He stole the show at the secret trials at The Standard in Redcar and was duly invited to join Deep Purple. The group, who were the top rock act at the time, had suffered from political differences which led to factional infighting and the ultimate loss of singer Ian Gillan.

To his detractors, the singer is a an arrogant, talentless, caterwauling, peroxide-streaked tosspot of the first order. But for many, the world famous exponent of the histrionic rock scream and the shaggy perm is one of the greatest vocalists of his generation. The Chair of Purple Helmet and leader of the campaign to get Coverdale ‘plaqued’, Dave ‘Axehead’ Beardy, told Saltburn Subversives:

‘The man’s a genius, right up there with Jagger or Lennon and McCartney. He’s a right genuine bloke too. Last year we wanted something to raffle at the our annual fundraising bring and buy sale. We approached David and he sent us straight back a pair of his old sunglasses which he actually wore on stage. He's right, right nice bloke, is David.’

Coverdale still has his admirers amongst local young people too. Shaun Asheep, singer of up and coming local metal band Arsehole Detonation, told us:

‘We think he’s mad for it. Also, many people forget that Coverdale was also an accomplished composer too. The likes of ‘Fool for your Loving’ and ‘Slide It In’ display a musical maturity uncommon in rock music and a lyrical subtlety to rival Cole Porter or Bob Dylan.’

To support Purple Helmet’s campaign simply sign their e-petition by emailing them at daleplaque@purplehelmet.co.uk.

* For more information about the Britallic pub see this week’s edition of our regular column Saltburn’s Yesterdays by Crass and Bony Jim.

More Toilet Paper Related News

'Cos we know you like it, here it is.

This is also interesting. Good thing the bus driver doesn't work in Middlesbrough, the fat bottle-blonde capital of Europe. He'd be reduced to wearing a blindfold.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Blue Plaques for Town

Plaques are to be put up to mark historic buildings and sites in Saltburn.

"Three sites have been identified, but we would welcome an input from the local community and the help of local people is being sought for ideas and suggestions for a further seven sites" said Councillor Robbo Johnson of the Town Council. "We have all this money from the 'European Crap Council's Support Fund", he continued, "and we're running out of ideas."

The first three plaques will be installed at the following points:

The site of Saltburn's former Halfpenny Bridge where it is reputed the UK's first dirty phone call took place across the valley. Pity Saltburn Town Council wasn't recognized as completely crap a few years ago, in which case maybe this money would have been made available for repair and maintenance, and maybe the bridge wouldn't have deteriorated to the point of virtual collapse, leading to its demolition.

The second plaque will be installed at Saltburn Beach where the world land speed reading record was broken, in 1904, by Colonel Betty Threepwood's father Geraldine riding a camel.

Finally, Wankies Castle will site the third plaque, as the oldest building in Saltburn still in occupation and the site of the founding of the Saltburn Moustache League.

Each plaque will be made of specially treated steel 10" in diameter and incorporate the name of the manufacturers, Wasteofpublicmoney Limited.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

More News About Toilet Paper

Looks like someone has been listening to Sheryl Crow as detailed here.

Try this.

Friday, 13 July 2007

The Master

This is a very public spirited blog and in the short time that it has existed we have been struck by the appalling level of English comprehension, grammar and spelling that seems to persist in the blogosphere. We disapprove and can do no better than to refer potential commentators to that master of English prose, Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse. We therefore quote an extract below, wherein Ronald Eustace Psmith pays a call on the mother of an old school friend.

"A small maid-of-all work appeared in answer to the bell, and stood transfixed as the visitor, producing a monocle, placed it in his right eye and inspected her through it.

“A warm afternoon,” he said cordially.

“Yes, sir.”

“But pleasant,” urged the young man. “Tell me, is Mrs. Jackson at home?”

“No, sir.”

“Not at home?”

“No, sir.”

The young man sighed.

“Ah, well,” he said, “we must always remember that these disappointments are sent to us for some good purpose. No doubt they make us more spiritual. Will you inform her that I called. The name is Psmith. P-smith.”

“Peasmith, sir?”

“No, no. P-s-m-i-t-h. I should explain to you that I started life without the initial letter, and my father always clung ruggedly to the plain Smith. But it seemed to me that there were so many Smiths in the world that a little variety might well be introduced. Smythe I look on as a cowardly evasion, nor do I approve of the too prevalent custom of tacking another name on in front by means of a hyphen. So I decided to adopt the Psmith. The p, I should add for your guidance, is silent, as in phthisis, psychic, and ptarmigan. You follow me?”

“Y-yes, sir.”

“You don’t think,” he said anxiously, “that I did wrong in pursuing this course?”

“N-no, sir.”

Splendid!” said the young man, flicking a speck of dust from his sleeve. “Splendid! Splendid!”

We would urge all of those readers anxious to make their views known to ourselves to study the works of the immortal Wodehouse with great care. Otherwise you are going to get fucking crucified.



Canadian Distress Signal

Via Vitruvius

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Parish Church Flock Increased by Two

Annual Tattoo Contest in Skelton

We understand from Saltburn Town Council that Skelton's traditional tattoo competition has been granted permission to go ahead on August the third despite protests from Saltburn residents.

Councillor Robbo Johnson, Head of the 'Leisure Activities and Bestiality' unit told the Subversives, "We all remember what happened last year when tattoos of sheep and other domestic animals were allowed to be represented in the competition, and the unpleasantness that resulted. But I can assure local residents that with the new Animal Tattoo Regulations coming into force from the 19th of this month, those problems should not be repeated. "

Not all Saltburn residents were convinced. We spoke to Colonel Betty Threepwood, chairman of the Saltburn Busybodies Association, who said "It's all very well for the Council to try to support local traditions but they don't have to clear up the mess afterwards. What about the loss to local sheep farmers that took place last year. Some of them still haven't received compensation for all their livestock that died of shock!"

We look forward to the results of the competition.

Security Alert Raised Once Again

Further to our earlier report here, Saltburn Subversives has learned that Security Levels have been raised to 'Banana Peril.' Full details can be obtained from the website of the Department of Social Scrutiny, which can be found here.

Councillor Jack Daw was unavailable for comment as he has been hospitalized once again by a repeat bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania.

Muesli Causes Cancer – It’s Official



A new report published today from Saltburn University reveals that muesli causes bowel cancer. Professor Dribble, of the Department of Toxicology, headed a team which has been conducting research into the intestinal effects of muesli and oat-based products. Statistical analysis reveals that serial porridge eaters are 5 times as likely to contract cancer of the colon as non-users. For foodstuff which lace oats with nuts and dried fruit the figure reduces slightly to 4.7 times more likely.

Mirroring the measures taken with tobacco products, it is expected that famous household breakfast favourites will be forced to carry dramatic health warnings, including pictures, so that consumers are left in no doubt about the dangers. The pictures we print today have been leaked from a Department of Health seminar which discussed how advisory messages might be included on products.

Paris Drops her Handbag

The Subversives have learnt that Paris Wilton, heir to the Seaview Hotels empire dropped her handbag at her luxury home yesterday. Although severely traumatized, her personal psychologist, Dr. Iam Wankel, said the incident would not prevent her from completing the remainder of the community service order, imposed on her after her conviction for 'Driving Whilst Blonde'

We have also heard that Miss Wilton may also have fallen foul of the Shed Allignment (Allotments) Regulations 2007, as detailed here and that she sometimes goes to the lavatory. Watch this space!

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Powers of Ten



We found this very interesting. Apologies if it's too educational. Wouldn't want to be elitist obviously!

Days from a Downtown Dosshouse IV

Hello Readers. It's your very own Dossmeister here, refreshed and reporting for duty after a hectic week housing half of Whitby’s Gothfest. (Well, we were all young once!)

A new branch of Music Zone has opened up here in Fiddlington. Your waggish Wogan blog type and the Dossmistress ventured in there, braving the whiff of patchouli oil and stale lager emanating from some yeti-type beings. Feeling ever so slightly nauseous, we re-entered planet real world with a copy of The Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ for yours truly and The Val Doonican Collection for the little lady.

It was only when we came back on to the street that it suddenly dawned on me that there is a recent trend which has gone unremarked by most of the public. Is it only me - your trusty purveyor of wit-ramble, monthly supplier of vanity-waffle, tireless progenitor of nothingness and vacuous gobshite extraordinaire - who has noticed the rise in tartan dog-collars? Where do they come from? Who buys these things? Why are they only deemed suitable for very small dogs, especially irritating little terrier dogs who bark and growl at visitors? Are there so many Scottish people around or are they bought for Scottish dogs?

I’ll tell you what. Both the Dossmeister and his long-suffering wife are completed foxed by it all. But for now we’ll live with our bafflement. And you never know. Maybe one day, just maybe, we’ll be collared* into buying a tartan dog appendage for our own new Scotty*. There's life in the old Dogmeister* yet!

(*Note to Blogmeister – these are not spelling errors but a very clever way of resolving the article with amusing puns and wordplay.)

The Good Old Days

Reposted from George's blog here, this might be of interest to our Skelton readers.

Hope George isn't thinking of moving to Skelton.

Threat to Climate Intensifies

Further to our warning here, regarding the threat to the environment of increasing levels of hypocrisy, we have been contacted once again by Professor Dribble of Hull University's Climatological Bollocks Department, who had this to say.

"There is increasing evidence of soaring levels of hypocrisy and mental illness in Saltburn. As an example I reproduce a comment recently placed on this blog by 'Anonymous', as a classic example of the problem.

'Good job we have such noble self-sacrificing citizens as yourselves to protect the people of Saltburn, then, isn't it? Shame you do it anonymously. Oh. And that you haven't bothered to get your facts right.

Fuckwits.'

I'm sure you will agree that the hypocrisy and unsubstantiated allegations that it contains betray a lack of self awareness bordering on mental illness. I can only assume that the writer saw the whole of the 'Live Earth' concert at the week end. All I can say is that I told you so!"

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

A Good School?

Here is an article which appears on the 'Talk of the Town' website :
A Good School - it's official! March 2007
The staff students, parents and governors of Huntcliff School are delighted that the recent OFSTED inspection has recognised the teamwork that leads to their overall judgement as 'Good' in all 5 areas assessed under the new framework. For the full story see the March Edition of Talk of the Town - Page 22

Here is another such article :
Official Openeing of Childrens Centre 14th Dec

The new Childrens Centre on the Huncliffe site ill be oficially opened on 14th December by BBC Radio's Stuart McFarlane and 2-year old Chariss Savory at 1.30pm.

The new centre, which cost £1.3m to build, has proved very popular with young families not only from Saltburn, but from the surounding villages of Guisborough, Lingdale, Boosbeck & Skelton.

Rosedene Nurseries run th 45-place nursery for under 5's, but the centre also includes daycare, health clinics, training courses and councelling.



How many mistakes can you spot? We would say at least six....Good thing we have such a good school in Saltburn.

Twats.

Advertising Rag Insults Brave Survivors of "Chernobly"

Readers of SS are directed here to view a most offensive article from our town's prime advertising organ Talk of the Town.

The Versive likes a joke as much as the next blog but always steers away from anything of dubious taste especially the childish mocking of the innocent victims of terrible disasters. We regard warping Chernobyl's name to suggest that its inhabitants are nobbly, presumably due to strange genetic mutations, as a sick thing to print. Unfortunately, it is little more than we have come to expect from a 'magazine' which proudly boasts its obsession with dog shit and litter.

Whatever next from this demotic journal. They'll doubtless be poking fun at the Japanese calling their women Horribleshimas or Nagasaggers, having a good laugh at the big-noses of the butchered children of the 'Hooter' tribe in Rwanda, making light of Saddam's gassing of the Lemons in northern Iraq.

Sickos. We say arrest the editor and nuke the bastard's offices.

Saving the Planet

For those of you interested in saving the planet the Sheryl Crow way, as detailed here, this will prove to be very useful.

Cherry Tomatso

Following our article here, regarding a new therapy available in Saltburn we have received a number of requests from readers asking how they can learn more about becoming a Tomatso therapist. They will be pleased to learn, therefore that from September a new course will be available for trainee therapists called 'Cherry Tomatso.'

In one of his more lucid moments Professor Dribble of Saltburn University gave us the details.

"It is a thoroughly comprehensive course beginning with hints and tips on spotting gullible people, to talking pseudo-scientific bollocks about things like 'energy flows' and 'visceral mobilisation'. The final part of the course gives details of the best techniques for relieving the client of as much money as possible."

Anyone interested in the course should contact Professor Dribble at the Seaview Nursing Home.

The Lawn Police

If you thought this, this and this, were unlikely you were wrong. Try this.

Monday, 9 July 2007

John Smeaton II


The man enjoys a few of his 1400 free pints. Lucky bastard. Cheers John!

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Hypocrisy Threat to Climate

Following the Live Earth concerts which took place yesterday scientists from the Saltburn campus of Hull University have warned that the massive increase in Hypocrisy in the atmosphere is threatening irreversible damage to the environment.

Professor Dribble, of the University said, "Our Climatological Bollocks Department has detected a marked increase in Hypocrisy in the atmosphere since yesterday together with an excess of other dangerous abstract nouns such as Insincerity and the most dangerous factor of all in these circumstances, known to us scientists as 'Talking Complete Bollocks'.

The Professor continued, "We consider these events to be exremely serious for the long term well-being of planet Earth and would urge the people of Saltburn to turn up their Bullshit Detectors to maximum as an initial precaution against mental illness as a result of their sudden increase in the atmosphere. People should be particularly wary of the prime exponent of this type of thing, a person who apparently goes by the name of 'Al Gore'. We at the University of Hull have calculated that this man produces more dangerous Hypocrisy in a day than the whole of Belgium."

For the benefit of some of our readers from south of Watford, Hull is a town on the Yorkshire Coast. Yorkshire is a county in the North of England. England is that funny place outside the M25 where you can't get a decent latte.

Saturday, 7 July 2007

"Look out for People Doing Things"

'London - British public safety officials today increased the national alert level to "Quite Elevated Indeed" -- the highest category possible -- and appealed to UK citizens to "keep a sharp lookout for diverse people engaged in activities."

"We ask the public to report any behaviors by various people that may or may not be of a suspicious nature," said Lt. Clive Jameson of the Metropolitan Police Service. "We further ask the public to be especially vigilant for activities of broad stratas of people who may be from countries of some sort, especially those within the eastern and/or western hemisphere." '

Brilliant stuff from Iowahawk, rest of it here.

Police Raid Farm in Skelton


Police rushed to a farm in Skelton yesterday — after a man was seen romping with a cow.

A shocked passer-by rang 999 after seeing the man — wearing only black briefs — having sex with the animal at 4.30am.

By the time officers arrived he had fled but night-time patrols are on the alert in case he strikes again.

Farmer Roger Bovine was stunned to hear what had happened to the cow, one of three rare English longhorns in the field.

Specialist breeder Roger, 39, even thinks he knows which of them was the victim — a looker named Blondie who is the friendliest.

The man was scared off when the passer-by shouted at him at Richard’s farm in Skelton. Locals are certain he was not from the area. (sic!)

He added: “I have got to be much more vigilant. The cows don’t seem to be spending so much time inside and are happier outside the barn at night.”

We understand the police are looking for a man aged about 30 years, with short fair hair and a low IQ. He was believed to have been driving a black VW Golf.

Friday, 6 July 2007

Pubic Service Announcement

In view of recent problems in Saltburn regarding self stimulation, described here and of course here we Subversives thought it best to offer some advice on this distasteful subject.

Versive Accused of Inaccurate Informaton and Speeling Eros

The Versive has received this letter:

Dear Sirs,

I am sceptical about the fixture list you have published for STFC. Most of the dates are on Saturdays. Could you please investigate.

Andrew Pedant

Krakk for the Town?

Just after we all thought that Dirk Rumble, Saltburn Town manager, had completed his new squad, the Versive can exclusively reveal that Rumbler and his Danish assistant Ripesmell Ingburp has been holding secret talks with the legendary Finnish international striker Ars Krakk. Krakk's agents, Bulgarian Arl Choppisnobbov and Russian Lukzliekeys Cakkedinispants, have strongly hinted that a move may be on the cards if Krakk can agree personal terms. His demands are rumoured to be £400 a week, free lodging at a B&B in Diamond Street and being able to shag any of the bar staff at Mariner Hotel whenever he likes. The Versive says rather him than us!

Piermen Announce New Squad

Dirk Rumble, manager of Saltburn Town, paraded members of his new squad this afternoon at a packed press conference at the Victoria Stadium. Out goes Iranian international goalkeeper Ravinis Lamist, to make way for new signing Scott Delboy signed from Spartak Glasgow. Delboy told the crowded room that he was hoping that he could quickly acclimatise to the South North Eastern Palmo Sunday League. The cultural change might take Deloby some getting used to:

'I've been everywhere looking for a deep-fried marsbar in batter but no joy, chief. It's all healthy sh!te around here what with all this palmo and salads stuff.'

Veteran defender Bill Headdress, landed on the last day of the transfer window from Thirsk-based Miserable North Yorkshire Bastards Athletic, said he's looking forward to slotting into the defence where he will play as the central inserter. Bill said he had been hoping to end his career at Victoria Park ever since he dicovered that Saltburn now had broadband.

Rumble's third signing was the exciting and flamboyant young striker Ray the Boy bought at a snip from relegated Th'Estate Opposite Th'Esso Garage. As is his wont, he'll be playing in the hole behind Jimmy Horace looking to predate on anything loose.

The full team are listed below:

Delboy, S.
Daw, J.
Skelton, S. of
Headdress, B.S.T.
Mole, S.
Bowen, G.R.
Abdul, I. B.
Squid, C.
Beetroot, F.A.
Sayten, J.
Horace, J. F. C.
Boy, R. the

Football Fixtures

Saltburn Town footie fans held their breath today as the fixtures for the coming season of the South North Eastern Palmo Sunday League were released. Supporters of the 'piermen' will be licking their lips at the opening two games against local rivals Skelton Onanists and Loftus Pikeys. December too offers sustained excitement as the Town take on two of the three local splinter teams in quick succession. An away match to Pissheads from t'Swing Doors on the 1st is followed a week later by a tasty looking tie with newcomers Tedious Old Farts from t'Marine Lounge. 10th October sees the lads travel to Derelict Bus Shelter Park for their away tie with Amber Street Smackheads.

Season tickets are now available at the Victoria Stadium at the discounted price of £37.23 or £42.67 for a family ticket. Supporters are reminded that homosexuals and asylum seekers are excluded from the concourse areas. A full fixture listing is given below:

Football Fixtures – South North Eastern Palmo Sunday League
August 11: Loftus Pikeys 3pm
August 15: Skelton Onanists 7.45pm
August 18: Stang How Hermaphrodites (a) 3pm
August 25: Guisborough Meatheads (h) 3pm
September 1: Stokesley Stuckups (h) 3pm
September 15: Yarm Arseholes (a) 3pm
September 22: Pissheads from th’Ormesby Legion (h) 3pm
September 29: Eston Kebab-Eaters (a) 3pm
October 6: Brotton and Shaggedslappers United (h) 3pm
October 20: Amber Street Smackheads (a) 3pm
October 27: Spotty Youfs from Redcar (h) 3pm
November 3: Roseberry’s Tit (a) 3pm
November 10: HMP Stockton (h) 3pm
November 24: Allotment C**ts (h) 3pm
December 1: Pissheads from t’Swing Doors (a) 3pm
December 8: Tedious Old farts from t’ Marine Lounge (h) 3pm
December 15: Stockton Pakis (a) 3pm
December 22: Skinninggrove Troglodytes (a) 3pm
December 26: Marske Arsefingerers (h) 3pm
December 29: Grangetown Space Cadets (a) 3pm
January 1: Amber Street Smackheads (h) 3pm
January 12: Guisborough Meatheads (h) 3pm
January 19: Marske Arsefingerers (a) 3pm
January 29: Stang How Hermaphrodites (h) 7.45pm
February 2: Loftus Pikey (a) 3pm
February 9: Brotton and Shaggedslappers United (h) 3pm
February 23: Yarm Arseholes (a) 3pm
March 1: Skelton Onanists (h) 3pm
March 8; Pissheads from th’Ormesby Legion a) 3pm
March 15: HMP Stockton (a) 3pm
March 22: Allotment C**ts (h) 3pm
March 29: Tedious Old farts from t’ Marine Lounge (h) 3pm
April 5: Stockton Pakis (a) 3pm
April 12: Spotty Youfs from Redar (h) 3pm
April 19: Roseberry’s Tit (a) 3pm
April 26: Grangetown Space Cadets (a) 3pm
May 3: Skinninggrove Troglodytes (h) 3pm
May 11: Guisborough Meatheads (a) 3pm

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Floods are God's Judgment on Saltburn, says Vicar

The floods that have devastated swathes of the country are God's judgment on the immorality and greed of modern society, according to the Reverend Lonnie Donnegan-Cross, vicar of Saltburn's parish church.

The vicar has even claimed that laws that have undermined marriage, including the introduction of pro-gay legislation, have provoked God to act by sending the storms that have left thousands of people homeless.

"It's well known that the new homosexual civil partnerships cause, severe thunderstorms,"
he told Saltburn Subversives yesterday.

While those who have been affected by the storms are innocent victims, the vicar argues controversially that the flooding is a result of Western Civilisation's decision to ignore biblical teaching. "Particularly Exodus. 32 : 27," he continued, "where it says: 'Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from the gate and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.' We Christians just don't do this sort of thing anymore...I think it's a mistake!"

He urged people to respond to the latest floods by turning away from a lifestyle of greed and the accumulation of wealth and moral degradation that goes with it.

It is estimated that the Church of England has assets in the region of £3.9 billion.

John Smeaton

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Yet More Quackery

There's so much quackery in and around Saltburn that highlighting one per month just isn't enough. So let's here it for Emily O'Sullivan whose website here scores 9 canards on the Quackometer. Not bad. But what makes this special is that this quackery is for horses!

The Quackometer says,

"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is throwing in some scientific jargon and may be doing this to give an appearance of knowledgablity. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."

Well done Emily. The usual bucket of bullshit is on its way!

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

Two Men Arrested on 'Crap Terrorism' Charges.

Following our recent report here

Salburn Subversives has heard that two men have been arrested in connection with the incident. The men are believed to be Mustaph Halfabrain, proprietor of the 'Apoststes for Burning' shop in Milton Street (free Union Jack with every Rushdie effigy) and Mr Halfabrain's nephew Haafeez Ballzmissin. We believe, both men have been charged with 'terrorist incompetence bordering on the dangerously hilarious'

As he was being led away Mr. Halfabrain said, "I blame the teachers! The quality of science teaching in this country is rubbish! How is my nephew supposed to become a self respecting mass murdering jihadist if he has no idea how to make a proper bomb? The education system in this country is rubbish! It's all a plot by the Jews to oppress us poor muslims!"

PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer was unavailable for comment as he is attending a three week 'Gender Awareness Course' in the Mendip Hills.

Just coz We Like It.

Dottytheists in Protest

A protest was held outside Huntcliffe Doctors' Surgery yesterday by members of the Dottytheist Church in Milton Street. The protest by the Rev. Rollo Bogey and his dog, Spunk, was held in opposition to recent proposals to vaccinate all first year female students at Saltburn High School against cervical cancer.

Holding a large placard emblazoned with the words 'Careful Now', the Rev. Bogey said,
"It's basically a sex jab, encouraging the girls to become sexually available. Everybody knows this type of thing is bound to encourage 12 year old girls to become sexually promiscuous and probably force them into prostitution! I know scientists claim that this injection will save 700 lives a year but my deeply held but irrational beliefs tell me the thing we should be doing is trying to stop kids becoming sexually active."

Saltburn Subersives spoke to a number of girls at Saltburn High School about the matter. Rosie Threepwood (11) said "Boys, Ye-euk!" Jenny Wittgenstein, aged 12, was more forthcoming, she said, " I don't like boys, they smell funny!" A sentiment with which Saltburn Subversives can only concur.

Monday, 2 July 2007

New Chinky Opens


Although Saltburn is already generously blessed with a cosmopolitan array of fine eateries, the Versive is pleased to announce the opening of another new restaurant in our town.

Brainchild of Saltburn-born, internationally acclaimed sushi chef, Wok Mi Daft, The Dragon’s Slit will open to the general public next Wednesday. Offering an impeccably modern Chinese, Japanese and South Korean cuisine, the Slit will be featuring traditional delicacies such as live squid and octopus.

The Slit is also looking to corner the high end in the oriental eating out market for the whole of Teesside. To this, er, end, the restaurant will be offering the latest in flamboyant Chinese hospitality - the penis. Those seeking out the high life, Mao-style, will need rather bigger wallets than your average eastern peasant farmer. Entry-level prices begin at £46 for the penis of a dog or wolf but rise steeply for the more exotic specimens. £60 buys gratin of donkey penis drizzled with a white wine reduction, £85 gets you a cobra’s knob in aspic whilst you will part with over £120 for the house special of walrus penis with a foreskin sausage of jellyfish and ground locust.

Praise for the restaurant has been effusive. Here is a video of some scenes from the celebrity-studded invitation-only preview night.

MP Jimmy F****** C*** Horace said ‘They come f****** over here eating all our f****** squid and using up all our f****** walrus penises, the c****. They’ll be storing the f****** things in the f****** local swimming f****** pool next, the f****** slitty eyed c*****, getting their f****** squid pregnant just so they can get a f****** council house.’

Joan from Only Organics gave a cautious welcome to the new venture but warned that it was important that any live creatures at the restaurant were treated humanely and paid the proper minimum wage. ‘Saltburn has a long and proud history of cruelty to animals and we don’t want this reputation tarnishing’.

Another Take on Gerbil Warming


If these gerbils weren’t warm before, they sure are now! Check out this highly original, some might say perverse, approach to the issue of gerbil warming. Gerrit here!

More Revelations about Gerbil Warming

Following our exclusive revelations here, regarding the continuing controversy about Gerbil Warming, Saltburn Subversives can exclusively report that certain dissident members of Saltburn's academic community are putting forward an entirely different interpretation of events. In fact they claim to believe that warming is entirely coincidental and the Gerbils have nothing to do with it!

Sea levels swelled, but still they doubted. Temperatures soared, but still they questioned. Glaciers disappeared, yet even so, they refused to believe it was down to the gerbils. But now, the sudden disintegration of a massive Antarctic ice shelf may have convinced even the most hardened skeptics that Earth truly is threatened by Gerbil warming. But Professor Street disagrees.

For example, "If there was before, there can be no doubt now that there is one very obvious reason why all these things are happening," said Dr. Milton Street of the Centre for Climatological Bollocks at Saltburn University. "And that reason is: Because they are. Basically it's just a coincidence."

The numbers supporting Gerbil Coincidence, Street insisted, don't lie. In the last 100 years, while carbon dioxide and methane emissions from Gerbils have surged, the world's average land surface temperature has risen 1.0ºF, and the oceans have risen 6 to 8 inches. "For most people, that would be enough," Street noted. "I mean, right there, all that adds up to a pretty strange coincidence, but coincidence we believe it is."

Letter from the Blogmeister

I don’t usually say much in these editorials. Heaven knows, there’s hardly any space. But there are often times, believe you me, when I think that I want to say something. I think to myself ‘Why not?’ ‘As editor, you’re entitled to have your say,’ I say to myself. But then, just as I’m about to start saying things, along comes another demand for space. An extension to the itinery of the Inner Wheel Club, perhaps, or maybe the WI’s diary. Other times, I’ll have to add in at the last minute an important announcement such as a notification of a bottle-top fundraising event for the community centre roof or an urgent request for volunteers for the Monrovian Larch cull in Valley Gardens.

Lo and behold, before you know it there’s no space left for me to say anything by the time I’ve included all this. One day, I will write what I think about some things. But until then, there’s no more space so it’s goodbye and best wishes to you all until next time. Love, Bwian

Dessert Island Discs

She may be one helluva bit of eye candy (note to BBC controllers: why, then, put her on the radio?), but the Versive is proud to bring you the antidote to the pulchritudinous Kirsty Young. Ladies, gentlemen, dog-shit obsessives and all of you who quiver in the closet afeard that your obession with litter and waste is about to be publicly outed on the next episode of the Graham Norton show, take note! We introduce our very own, totally new and entirely uncontrived Dessert Island Discs.

Picturing themselves lounging on an island of tiramisu basking contentedly in the baked Alaskan sun with the breezy waft of lime coulis rivers and the gentle plopping of volcanic geysers languidly gurgling and splurting endless dollops of strawberry crème brulee, our guests select their eight favourite pieces of music and a very special dessert.

All our cast-offs receive a copy of The Selfish Gene, a lifetime subscription to Talk of the Town and the complete works of local rock idol David Coverdale should life ever get dull on our imaginary pudding idyll. They must also nominate a book of their own choosing and a luxury.

This week’s cast-off is the Rt. Hon. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, MP, Secretary of State for Public Discoarse, Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys and Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association. His selections are below.

Music Selection

Fuckup in B Minor by J. S. Bach

Robert De Niro’s Waiting, The C**t by Bananarama

Fuck the World by BandAid

Cuntata for Three Violins and a Rotorvator by D. Shostakovich

Suspicious Cunts by Elvis Presley

Prelude and Fuck by G. F. Handel

Grandma, Fuck Off by St. Winnifred’s School Choir

Cunts by Robbie Williams

Dessert: Bitter Chocolate Tart with Soured Cream

For his book, Mr. Horace choose ‘Critique of Pure Reason’ by Immanuel Kunt. Asked to nominate a luxury, the C**t said this an easy one - ‘a rotorf******vator’.

Next week, Lonnie Donnegan-Cross makes some quite startling choices.

Sunday, 1 July 2007

The Truth about Gerbil Warming

Truth Here.

Security Alert

Security levels were raised in Saltburn yesterday after a mobility scooter driven into a crash barrier outside the Victoria Public House in Dundas Street was found to contain an improvised explosive device, consisting of a container of lighter fuel and some carpet tacks. Eyewitnesses report seeing a man of asian appearance fleeing the scene with smoke billowing from his trousers.

The scooter was towed away by by the council after the police had made the device safe. A similar device found in the basket of a bicycle parked a couple of streets away was also made safe.

A police spokesman said "We apologise to the public for the length of time it took us to sort this out. The officers involved were laughing so much they could barely speak!"

Councillor Jack Daw, speaking on behalf of Saltburn Town Council said, "It is right that we should raise our security status, it has therefore been raised from 'Absolutely Hilarious' to merely 'Pathetically Funny'. Saltburn General Hospital has had a number of admissions in the last couple of days, of people with injuries caused by excessive mirth, such as cracked ribs and high blood pressure, all as a result of laughing too much."

We understand that police are looking for Mr Mustapha Alfabrain, owner of the 'Apostates for Burning', shop in Milton Street, (Rushdie effigies half price, while stocks last), in connection with the incident.

Friday, 29 June 2007

Hands Free

Hand Job anyone?

Beer

Not enough articles about beer recently. for our liking. So try this.

Maybe there is a god afterall...OK maybe not.

Prezza's Farewell Speech


The Versive is please to be able to publish, courtesy of parliamentary publisher Anne Sard, the transcript of the former deputy prime minister's final speech in the House of Commons.

"Yes, we are the Labour government no, and I am proud, I am proud to have played my part in that. We have had our uppers but we have yes we have made mistakes and I don’t reside in that. But throughput though, we as the Labour party, have some to stand and say this to all the naysayers and toothgivers, this, that we have come to criticism the government . We have been steadfast in our resolute and not will we, no, will we say that we do that otherwise. Now that is clear to me as much as the next man and the public at large. Thank you."

The C*** in Cabinet Shock

They mocked the new prime minister’s entreaties to Pantsdown to join his government as a cynical attempt to destabilise the Lib Dems (though the party is amply equipped to that without the help of the Pride of Kirkcaldy, mysteriously pronounced Kirkoddy) ). After his Downing Street proclamation that he would he would create a government of ‘all the talents’, they teased that his newly announced cabinet was a bunch of has-beens, fawners and fuckwits, all of whom were Labour Party persons. Yet Gordon Brown’s latest appointment to his cabinet might make some politically disillusioned hacks eat their words after all.

Today, on his way to much his heralded first appearance before the Select Committee for Caving In To Religious Vested Interests, prime minister Brown had time to announce a late addition to his new cabinet. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, President of Saltburn Allotments Association, some time civil rights campaigner and general battle-hardened veteran of the 11 (am) o’clock swill, is to join the government as Secretary of State for Public Discourse. Mr. Horace will also take over the vacant position of Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys.

The prime minister was keen to stress the importance of Mr Horace's role. This is not some Orwellian surveillance operation aimed at suppressing the noble words of the working class but an attempt to improve the sometimes impoverished standards of the public conversation. Once thought of as past his sell-by date, recent years have seen something of a renaissance for the minister. Concern about climate change, once the sole preoccupation of bekaftaned acid-crazed students reading ecology, has now become mainstream and Horace's pioneering and prescient championing of the allotment movement and organic food had turned him into something of celebrity.

Of his appointment, Mr. Horace claimed that he was ‘f******* grateful to that jock c*** for giving me this f****** chance to get rid of the them f****** Muslim
c*****. ’ In a kind of reverse Theresa May, the newly minted minister also requested that the media respected his wish to be henceforth known as the Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association.

Councillor Daphne Mewling said ‘this is political incorrectness gone mad’.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Council Debates School Planning Application

The planning application for Saltburn's new 'superschool' was debated at Saltburn Town Council Planning Committee on June the 15th. The school is to be built over the next sixteen months and will cost £16 million pounds.

The application was approved subject to the exterior colour scheme. Councillor Mrs. Daphne Mewling said "It's going to look lovely, mostly cream, maroon and turquoise green!Smashing!"

Councillor Peter Spandex disagreed. "This colour scheme is a disaster!" he said, "My partner Rupert says it would look much nicer bright pink with detail in cerise and chocolate. I'm sure the people of Saltburn would agree!"

Dismissing questions from Saltburn Subversives regarding access to the new school and whether the design would serve the best interests of the young people of Saltburn, Councillor Mewling said, "Don't worry about all that, It'll look absolutely lovely!"

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Once Upon A Time Up My Own Arse IV


July eh? Named after that Roman fella, eh Julian something. He was responsible for something important but I can't remember what. I was going to make him the subject of this month's article but the blogmeister didn't seem to think it was a good idea, for some reason. I don't know why.

So he said it might be better if I wrote about them nice wildflowers I like so much, so yesterday I went botanising on my day off. So I'll describe my walk, if I can remember. I intended to walk to Marske along the seafront. The problem was I'd forgotten how to get there. Never mind. I had my copy of 'Collins Guide to Wildflowers', so I looked for some flowers anyway. Unfortunately I couldn't find any that were in the book or maybe I couldn't find the right page.

Luckily almost immediately I saw a small brown bird which swooped down and disappeared up my arse. I think it's nesting. Would you like to see it?

Quack of the Month Award


Quack of the month for july is Mark Fielding whose website here receives a massive 9 canards on the quackometer. Under normal circumstances this would be a brilliant score, but Saltburn is infested with snakeoil salesman and assorted bullshitters so Mark's is quite an achievement.

Here is what the Quackometer had to say about Mark's website,

"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is throwing in some scientific jargon and may be doing this to give an appearance of knowledgablity. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."

Well done Mark! The usual bucket of cow dung is on its way to you!

Sunday, 24 June 2007

Australians Outraged at Honour Given to Botham

Via Normblog here, funny stuff.

Norm, I was surprised not to see a comment on your blog about the furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Sir Ian Botham.

I understand that the British High Commissioner was called in by the government in Canberra and given a dressing down for the way in which the Queen has insulted the Australian people by her provocative act. Sources close to the Australian government say that it is quite clear that the Queen's intention in awarding a public honour of this kind to the superannuated sports star was simply to provide an excuse for the British media to replay TV footage of the 1981 Headingly Test, thereby humiliating Australians by reminding them of how they suffered at the hands of the English. Further, sources said that instead of taking the opportunity to honour Ricky Ponting and his team for their outstanding performances in the recent Ashes series, the Queen has impugned the sporting prowess of Australian men and insulted the whole Australian nation. Consequently, the Australian government is calling on Australians everywhere to go into English pubs and pour beer over anyone who dares to mention the name "Botham".

The British government has yet to comment officially on these reports. However, Shirley Williams was quoted as saying that the Australian government did seem to have a point, and although she had never really understood cricket it didn't seem right to upset people over a game that happened a long time ago. Will Self was reported to have said that since Ian Botham was a controversial figure in cricket, it was not obvious why he accepted the knighthood anyway.

Do you have any views on this breaking story?

More Hitchens

Hitchens berates pusillanimous twats. Good fun.

Friday, 22 June 2007

Pizza Murder

A MURDER suspect told police he feared for his life as he stabbed his best friend, a Teesside jury heard.

Shaun Martin, 30, insists he acted in self defence in the midst of a street fight in the early hours of December 29 last year. He admitted to officers that he stabbed Lee Hannan, 29, on Tennyson Avenue, Grangetown, “defending myself while he was attacking me with a pizza”.

Martin, of Kingsley Road, Grangetown, denies murder.

His police interviews were read to the jury at Teesside Crown Court yesterday

He said he received calls that night from Lee, who he had known since he was 15, suggesting that he come round for a few beers and a pizza while they watched the football on TV'

"When he turned up he parked his car in my parking space, the bastard. I mean he's my best friend and everything but what a cu%t! And then I saw that the pizza he'd brought was cheese and tomato, and he knows I only eat pepperoni! The fu**er. So naturally I went wild."

He continued "I accidentally went to the kitchen and got a knife and stabbed him four times while he came at me with the pizza box again and again"

“I thought he was going to kill me. He kept going at me and going at me. So I kept on hitting out with the knife.”

Martin said Lee walked off and collapsed. “I ran off. I was too scared to stay there.”

He said he panicked and washed the knife he used

He could not account for Lee Hannan’s defensive wounds.

The trial continues.



What the Animals Think of All Those Wildlife Programmes

Thursday, 21 June 2007

"God Does Not Exist - Business as Usual" says Church

The Vicar of Saltburn Parish Church, the Reverend Lonnie Donnegan-Cross was involved in an extraordinary scene at the annual 'Church Barbecue and Ironing Contest' at the week end.

In a conversation in the beer tent with our Irrational Religious Beliefs Correspondent, Ophelia Box and between pints of Colonel Betty Threepwood's 'Special Home Brew', the vicar said,

"I'm sick of this bloody religion lark. My wife's the best fu%king ironer in the district and she never gets a look in! Those judges are fuc%@ing biased, I'm telling you! (Hic!) I've always suspected there might not be a God," he continued after returning from the bar for the third time in twenty minutes, " this just proves it once and for all! And what about the fact that it always pisses down with rain at church functions! What kind of God would do that?"

At this point the Vicar was sick on the entries in the 'Ladies' Lace Underwear section'.

Our correspondent Ophelia Box contacted the Bishop of Yorkshire for his comments only to be told "Of course there is no God. Belief in God has always been optional in the Church of England. just don't tell any of the 'faithful', silly sods. And would you like to see me in full regalia? You'd particularly like my stockings!"

More Quackery

This is funny...'Get Slim Slippers,'

Tuesday, 19 June 2007

The Politically Correct Forenames Act

The Politically Correct Forenames Act comes into force on the first of August 2007. The Act means that it will become illegal to be called Mathew, Mark, Luke, John or Gary. Those affected have until July the 31st to change their names to either Abdul, Amir or Mohammed. Anyone who fails to choose one of these names will automatically be assigned the name Ahsok.

The local Labour Party spokesman, Mr. L. Whimperer said "This legislation is an integral part of the government's determination to stamp out the curse of Islamophobia and the hurt feelings amongst the muslim community caused by having to speak to people whose forenames are clearly derived from Christianity. Except for the name Gary of course, which we just don't like."

Saltburn Film Society Extra

Due to the popularity of the season of films by the great Hollywood director Jamie Oliver, originally reported here, Saltburn Film Society has decided to extend the season to include the following additional movies:

Pirates of the Caribbean : The Curse of the Black Pudding.

The Matrix Re-Toasted.

Star Wars : The Attack of the Scones.

E.T. The Extra-Tomatoes.

Details of screening times can be obtained from Saltburn Library.

Nightmare in Skelton!

Fear and Loathing on the Allotments


Following our report on the Council's proposals regarding the Shed Alignment Regulations here,
Saltburn Subversives understands that the local authority is planning to send in the emergency Shed Alignment Squad (SAS) to enforce the law. Ms Janet Hand-Wringer of Saltburn Town Council said, "We cannot allow people to flout the law of the land. Useless regulations are a vital part of local government and if people think they can get away with ignoring them they are very much mistaken! Otherwise they might start questioning our other spurious services and then where would we be?"

At a meeting of the Saltburn Allotments Association, held last week in the Seaview Hotel, a motion was passed to form a paramilitary wing (pictured above) to defend the allotments. Member Jimmy Horace, who spoke at the meeting said, "those fu%?ing bastards are not coming anywhere near my shed without a bloody fight..and mine's a double Talisker's Fred!"

Monday, 18 June 2007

Stork Shortage Leads to Increasing use of Cranes

A couple were cautioned by police on Saturday night after they were discovered having sex in the cab of a crane on the building site on Dundas Street.

Police went to the building site to investigate after bystanders spotted the couple climbing into the cab of the crane. An officer's command to come down was followed by a naked foot popping over the railing, police said.

The officer noted the couple then got dressed and climbed down.

The man, who worked at the site and had keys to the crane, told officers he was photographing the town skyline.

Pc Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police officer was unavailable for comment as he was playing golf.

New Hang Out for Post-Modernists

Following our recent post on a new nursing home for elderly academics we can confirm that Saltburn now boasts a new spot for post-modernists to romp, play and undergo training during the day while their owners are at work.

The Academic Athletic Club opened in September 2006 and has seen a steady boom in business.

George Forster, the owner said he saw a need for such a facility in downtown Saltburn. Forster has reportedly worked with leftie academics for more than nine years.

The Academic Athletic Club has more than 10,000 square feet for lecturers and teachers of all kinds to play, as well as be groomed and trained.

"Most of the discipline problems that people have with their academics is simply a matter of not enough exercise," said Forster. "Problems such as waffling, bitching and chewing the carpet all result from lack of stimulation."

Forster said that since he has a high academic- to-trainer ratio, he generally charges more than similar facilities in the area. But, he said, he believes his day care offers a more personal relationship among academics, trainers and clients.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Tazz's Cassics III


The Subversives are acutely aware that Tazz fans have been neglected lately. So this month we have a treat for you. Tazzisms and a couple of Tazz 'jokes'. Enjoy.

'Versive to Tazz behind the bar :"Tazz, I'll give you two quid if you call Bill 'Dad' when he comes in with his new girlfriend."

Tazz : "Ok"

'Versive : "And keep calling him 'Dad', Ok?"

Some time later Bill comes into the bar, accompanied by new girlfriend. Tazz looks at him. You can see the cogs whirring.

Tazz to Bill : "Oh, I think I was supposed to call you Dad."


Landlady to Tazz : "Tazz, go to the shop and get me two pounds of satsumas."

Tazz : "How many is two pounds?"

Landlady to Tazz : "Oh Tazz! Just get two bags."


George to Tazz : "Dolphins are the only animals apart from humans that commit rape."

Tazz to George : "Dolphins aren't animals, they're mammals."


Tazz 'jokes'

Do you think he's got a big head?

who?

Humpty Dumpty!


When do you think he'll come down?

who?

Jack in the beanstalk!

A Look into the Future

Via Fabian Tassano

This is funny.

Ideal Car Security for Skelton

Friday, 15 June 2007

Prize Crapword

Care of the rejuggulator here is this month's crapword.

When Hamsters Attack


Regular readers will remember this recent article regarding Saltburn attack rodents.

It would appear that an aggressive hamster escaped yesterday and attacked and injured three people in Saltburn before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.

The hamster first ran into a house in Emerald Street and leapt from behind onto 60-year-old, Bill Headress and sank its teeth into his hand, a local police spokesman said on Thursday.

With the hamster still hanging from his hand, Mr Headress ran into the street in panic, where he managed to shake it off. Mr. Headress said afterwards "It was painful at the time but I haven't had a stonker on like this for 20 years. My girlfriend's in for a hell of a surprise."

The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole.

"After that, the hamster went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the hamster was ill.

Silly News for the Week End

Been to Gatwick Airport recently?

Ham sandwich anybody?

Itchy?

Quack of the Month Award


This month's award goes to Daniela Caradonna whose website here scores a massive Ten Little Black Ducks on the Quackometer! Here's what else the Quackometer had to say:

" This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is full of scientific jargon that is out of place and probably doesn't know the meaning of any of the terms. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."

Well done Daniela! The usual bucket of cow dung is on its way to you. Ps we will need the bucket back.

Do you know someone worthy of a bucket of shit? Nominations are now being accepted for next month's award.

Thursday, 14 June 2007

New Nursing Home in Saltburn


Saltburn will get its first nursing home for Post Modernists with round-the-clock monitoring by doctors and a team of psychiatrists to help aging lecturers and academics cope with the real world, a pet products company has said.

Owners pay £500 a month to keep their post modernists at the Care Home for Brain Dead Lefties which opens Friday, according to a statement by the home's owner Benny Wittgenstein.

Psychiatrists at the home will offer round-the-clock monitoring, and residents will be fed specially fortified food, the release said.

The home, which can accept 20 humanities graduates at one time, will also employ puppies to play with the post modernists to help them keep fit and feel younger, the release said.

Analysts say that a boom in pet ownership in Cleveland, coupled with better health care and a more balanced diet, has led to a surge in elderly academics in the area.

That has spurred doting owners to turn to vitamins, aromatherapy and even acupuncture to help their companions through their old age.