Security Alert

Security levels were raised in Saltburn yesterday after a mobility scooter driven into a crash barrier outside the Victoria Public House in Dundas Street was found to contain an improvised explosive device, consisting of a container of lighter fuel and some carpet tacks. Eyewitnesses report seeing a man of asian appearance fleeing the scene with smoke billowing from his trousers.

The scooter was towed away by by the council after the police had made the device safe. A similar device found in the basket of a bicycle parked a couple of streets away was also made safe.

A police spokesman said "We apologise to the public for the length of time it took us to sort this out. The officers involved were laughing so much they could barely speak!"

Councillor Jack Daw, speaking on behalf of Saltburn Town Council said, "It is right that we should raise our security status, it has therefore been raised from 'Absolutely Hilarious' to merely 'Pathetically Funny'. Saltburn General Hospital has had a number of admissions in the last couple of days, of people with injuries caused by excessive mirth, such as cracked ribs and high blood pressure, all as a result of laughing too much."

We understand that police are looking for Mr Mustapha Alfabrain, owner of the 'Apostates for Burning', shop in Milton Street, (Rushdie effigies half price, while stocks last), in connection with the incident.