Monday, 30 July 2007
Saturday, 28 July 2007
Friday, 27 July 2007
Lead singer Fecal Staines and legendary guitarist Skidd Marks will be performing an acoustic version of their top ten hit, 'The Grapes of Wrath,' taken from last year's hit CD 'Colonoscopy,'
whilst simultaneously buggering a gerbil, to draw attention to climate change.
Saltburn Subversives understand that the Department of the Ungulate Environment and Heritage is about to designate Skelton an 'Area of Outstanding Natural Bestiality.'
A spokesman from the Department said, "We've been meaning to make this award to this funny Skelton place for some time, in view of its reputation but we couldn't remember where it was. My assistant, Smallcreep says it might be up north somewhere. So there you are."
We understand that any proposed change or improvement to ungulates in the Parish of Brotton and Skelton will now be subject to the usual planning regulations.
Christian hardcore death metal band fronted by the enigmatic local vicar of St. Darren’s Lonnie Donegan-Cross, Corpse Christi are truly original exponents of the genre. They use their music to promote their own insane version of Christianity and the gospel stories provide surprisingly apt lyrical material for a death metal band. ‘Thorny Crown’, ‘Scourge My Pillar’, ‘Nailed’ and their homage to Kurt Cobain ‘Smells Like Apostle Carcass’ are typical of their work. Not for the faint of heart or, indeed, Richard Dawkins.
Regular appearances at The Mick have seen this local band rise from nowhere to an appearance on Radio Cleveland’s’ ‘Riffing’ programme within a matter of mere years. Enjoying massive local support, the groups’ cover versions include a medley of songs paying tribute to international rock god and blue plaque nominee David ‘The Perm’ Coverdale. Book your tickets early to avoid disappointment.
Rite of Sayten
Doom-laden riffs and sinister low-registered vocals from local auctioneer John Sayten and his latest outfit. Their latest material offers a new take on the genre. Titles from their new CD, ‘Gut the Chesterfield’, ‘Boxes of Shite’, ‘Rusty Tool Abuser’ and ‘Fucked Dining Suite’, provide a flavour of the key themes. The band will also be offering a smattering, or should that be splattering, of covers. Just make sure you don’t talk when he’s playing.
Covers band with a difference, the Kidney play mainstream pop death style. The lyrics are adapted too but there’s no mistaking the original numbers. Expect heavy, heavy versions of Yes’ ‘Owner of a Dodgy Heart’, Elvis Costello’s ‘Oliver’s Broken Army’, Guns n’ Roses ‘Parasite City’ and Abba’s ‘Have You got the Shites Fernando’.
Expect controversy and mayhem from this Skinningrove quartet who recently hit the national news when the Police, instructed by the Health and Safety Executive, closed down one of their gigs in Great Ayton. The climax of their show features the mad metallers head-banging to their anthem ‘Lanced Boil’ which reached number 7 in the Kerrang chart. Unfortunately, the group’s stage props were not to taste of the authorities. During the final chorus a huge bucket marked ‘cyst effluent’ appeared on stage at which point singer, Norman Cadaver, began throwing it at the audience. The Fuckers were released after it later transpired that they had earlier made a secret bulk purchase of homemade pea soup from Saltburn’s Only Organics.
Talks are still ongoing to secure other acts. Local bands tipped to appear are New Marske cross-over garage death-punk band Wank, Tapeworm fronted by Saltburn Hospital Radio DJ Steven Ulcer and Redcar’s Knob Vessel. Acts from further afield are rumoured to include Sweden’s Scombid Artery, a three-piece band from Belgium called Grunt, Anaesthetist from Plymouth and Mancunian doom merchants Terminal Tumour.
Thursday, 26 July 2007
to explain a few changes in official Brownie policy and with some words of advice for parents.
"We are looking to cut down on the number of available merit badges, so that the money saved can be spent on extra ammunition for the up coming 'Duck Derby.' The existing badge awards 'Safe Sex', and 'Assembling Flat-Pack Furniture,' will be amalgamated, and a single badge will be awarded in future entitled 'Handling Erections'," Miss Horse-Box explained.
"Parents are reminded that Brownies representing Saltburn at the Duck Derby must present themselves with clean weaponry. Ammunition will not be issued by the armoury unless gun barrels and firing mechanisms are spotlessly clean! A clean weapon is an accurate weapon I always say! Please remember also that the use of decoys attached to land mines or other explosive devices is being discouraged this year as it tends to spoil the fun for other participants and attract anti-social elements such as people from Skelton, and I don't want to have to use the Brengun again this year."
Wednesday, 25 July 2007
Recent erosion of the coastline around Saltburn caused by gerbil warming has exposed a number of fossilized trees to the light of day. Professor Dribble of the Saltburn campus of Hull University has been examining them in an attempt at classification.
"The best preserved example we believe to be a Gucci Shoe Tree, which was very common in this area during the Cretaceous period," he told Saltburn Subversives, " they began to die out when we elected a socialist council and such bourgeois fripperies were banned, although a small population is believed to survive in the vicinity of Victoria Terrace."
An artist's impression of the Gucci Shoe Tree is pictured right.
Councillor Jack Daw has issued the following ststement from his hospital bed where he is convalescing from another bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania.
"This Council is determined to eliminate the curse of Islamophobia from our society and consequently the names Kevin and Ian have been added to the list of unacceptable forenames. Unfortunately, due to an oversight the Council has been unable to pass the necessary enforcement measures regarding the legislation and will not be in a position to ensure compliance for at least two weeks after the 1st of August. We deeply regret the inconvenience caused to the people of Saltburn and assure them that a thorough going and wide ranging review of Council procedures will now take place. This review is expected to take at least five years."
Councillor Daw is expected to resume his duties shortly.
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Eddy has been in contact again to explain that he is now starting a mobile chimney sweeping service on the suggestion of a friend. So far business has been picking up he said, "I wasn't convinced at first. It seemed like a silly idea! But I've had one customer so far and she didn't seem to mind when I accidentally set fire to the chimney with the combined chimney sweeper and flame thrower. I'm now much more optimistic, and it won't take long for my eyebrows to grow back."
We can only wish him well.
Monday, 23 July 2007
Firechief, Paul Wanger told the Subversives. "A full investigation is being carried out and we can assure the Ladies of Saltburn that if any intentional dereliction of duty has taken place disciplinary proceedings will be commenced immediately. It may be the incident took place due to a medical condition. We did all we could at the time, rushing to the scene with the usual Fire Service specialist porno movies and little blue pills but by the time we got there the victim was suffering from shock. We believe that she is still under sedation and staying with friends."
"The lads are having a whip round to get her a new Rabbit for when she recovers," Mr. Wanger continued, "as a gesture of goodwill."
An outraged Joan of 'Only Organics' commented "You just can't rely on anyone these days!"
Regular readers will be saddened to learn that a much loved local character is about to retire.
Walking stick repair man Michael Settee is set to retire at the end of the month, after 40 years tending Saltburn's walking sticks. Mr. Settee is a well known 'character' in the town, often to be seen outside the Gents' toilets in the square offering his very personal service.
Many people will know him as a stalwart of the Saltburn Hard of Thinking Club and an active member of the local Moustache League. Mr. Settee told the Subversives that he wishes to spend more time with his moustache.
"I want to grow the perfect 'Pancho Villa'," (pictured right) he told us.
We wish him the very best of luck.
Sunday, 22 July 2007
The enforcement officers warned that fumes from smokers on board passing vessels could waft through and violate the ban. (picture right).
They told staff to keep all windows and doors closed throughout the summer months — or risk being fined.Regular customer Marion Morrison said: “I was using the slot machines and trying to pick up teenage girls when the two officers came in and spoke to the manager and they then closed the windows."
“I’m a supporter of the smoking ban, but this was an overzealous way to enforce the new law.”
Environmental health officer Ms J Hand-Wringer said: “I can confirm we advised the premises that the windows be closed.
“This is in keeping with good practice to ensure compliance with the spirit of the legislation.
“Every situation is different and we need to ensure nonsmokers don’t have to endure smoke blowing in from outside.”
Saturday, 21 July 2007
A Rusty Wheel scare closed part of Saltburn beach yesterday.
Police blocked the Saltburn-Brotton road near the Ship Inn and threw a 300-yard radius cordon round the site of what was thought to be a rusty wheel.
But Jane Hott, who manages the Ship with husband Lennie, claimed police allowed a bus to go through, but turned back motorists heading for the pub.
"People were sitting on our wall overlooking the sea while the rusty wheelbarrow wheel was 60 yards away between our slipway and the Cat Nab cafe.
"It was farcical. No-one wanted anyone to be in danger, but the police had to be consistent.
"We were really annoyed the police stopped people coming from Brotton. We were already here so there was no reason why these customers could not have come in. There was a lack of communication.
"It was at least 2pm before the incident was sorted out. We were without customers except for a few regulars."
Police said they had to cordon off the area and close roads as a safety precaution. "An immediate response was undertaken," said a spokeswoman. About the criticism from the Ship Inn, she said: "I can understand their view because they lost trade, but we would have been criticised if we had not taken action. And the bus was from Skelton so that didn't really matter. We can't take a risk with the public's health and safety."
The incident - the first of its type for more than 20 years at Saltburn beach - started soon after 11am when a man rushed in to the Smugglers' Experience heritage centre, next to the Ship, saying he had found something suspicious on the beach.
Staff member Stephanie Paul King, 22, said: "He was agitated and we dialled 999 for the coastguard. Police arrived within two minutes and cordoned off the area.
"We were told to go home so we shut up shop for the day. It was quite alarming."
Cleveland Police said the alarm was raised at 11.10am and a Catterick Rusty Wheel Disposal unit was alerted, arriving at 1.14pm and blowing up the suspicious object, which was a foot in diameter with six bolts, and turned out to be an extremely dangerous Second World War rusty wheelbarrow wheel.
The police spokeswoman added: "We often find bits of old wheelbarrow and have to evacuate areas."
Other parts of Saltburn beach were not affected.Passerby and regular at the Ship, Jimmy F C Horace said, "If they'd wanted it blown up I've got a foot pump on the fuc**ng allotment. Cu%*s!"
Friday, 20 July 2007
For all of you who like irrational but deeply held beliefs, the secrets of how to obtain temporal power are here.
Next week details of 'Marxist/Leninist'
or how to become a communist mass murderer. Watch this space.
Who says we're not nice to you religious fantasists?
The owner, Mathew, has asked us to point out that customers will be charged extra if the costumes are returned bearing stains of an unusual nature.
PS Please note this has nothing to do with those blue plaque thingies described here. I don't really approve of those, obviously! I would be a very reluctant recipient, but might accept one to please my wife, who says a plaque would look nice on our humble abode. I leave the rest to you lovely readers.
I don't know where to start, but I'm sitting here on a nice summer's day, wondering what to do with my shop 'Chimneys R Us'.
As some of you may know, I offer a first class chimney sweeping service to the people of Saltburn. I've been open for 3 months now and haven't had a single customer. Yes, that's right not a single customer has seen fit to bring their chimney into the shop to take advantage of our excellent service. I've not had a wage in all this time and frankly it's putting my health at risk.
People say 'Don't close Eddy' but a lot of these people don't use the shop. It will be sad if I have to leave, but I think I'll be gone by Christmas.'
Yours sincerely, Eddy Bellend of 'Chimneys R Us'."
So come on Salburners, take your chimneys in to Eddy!
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Following the recent announcement of Blue Plaques to commemorate Saltburn greats, members of Purple Helmet, the local rock appreciation society, have set themselves an ambitious new goal. The society, dedicated to the remembrance and celebration of dated melodramatic rock music, have launched a campaign for a plaque to commemorate the great David Coverdale, ex-lead frontman with Deep Purple and, latterly, Whitesnake.
Saltburn's only world famous rock star, Coverdale was brought up in what used to the Britallic* public house on Marine Parade before attending Saltburn University from where he graduated with a 2(ii) in Surfing Studies with Pier Management. Cutting his gigging teeth on the Redcar circuit with local heavy rock band Spanish Elbow, The Dale, as was he was known around Saltburn, got his big break after replying to an advert in the Teesside Musical Express to audition for a ‘well known established band, have written classics, seek tuned in rock god with projectile vocal’. He stole the show at the secret trials at The Standard in Redcar and was duly invited to join Deep Purple. The group, who were the top rock act at the time, had suffered from political differences which led to factional infighting and the ultimate loss of singer Ian Gillan.
To his detractors, the singer is a an arrogant, talentless, caterwauling, peroxide-streaked tosspot of the first order. But for many, the world famous exponent of the histrionic rock scream and the shaggy perm is one of the greatest vocalists of his generation. The Chair of Purple Helmet and leader of the campaign to get Coverdale ‘plaqued’, Dave ‘Axehead’ Beardy, told Saltburn Subversives:
‘The man’s a genius, right up there with Jagger or Lennon and McCartney. He’s a right genuine bloke too. Last year we wanted something to raffle at the our annual fundraising bring and buy sale. We approached David and he sent us straight back a pair of his old sunglasses which he actually wore on stage. He's right, right nice bloke, is David.’
Coverdale still has his admirers amongst local young people too. Shaun Asheep, singer of up and coming local metal band Arsehole Detonation, told us:
‘We think he’s mad for it. Also, many people forget that Coverdale was also an accomplished composer too. The likes of ‘Fool for your Loving’ and ‘Slide It In’ display a musical maturity uncommon in rock music and a lyrical subtlety to rival Cole Porter or Bob Dylan.’
To support Purple Helmet’s campaign simply sign their e-petition by emailing them at firstname.lastname@example.org.
* For more information about the Britallic pub see this week’s edition of our regular column Saltburn’s Yesterdays by Crass and Bony Jim.
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
"Three sites have been identified, but we would welcome an input from the local community and the help of local people is being sought for ideas and suggestions for a further seven sites" said Councillor Robbo Johnson of the Town Council. "We have all this money from the 'European Crap Council's Support Fund", he continued, "and we're running out of ideas."
The first three plaques will be installed at the following points:
The site of Saltburn's former Halfpenny Bridge where it is reputed the UK's first dirty phone call took place across the valley. Pity Saltburn Town Council wasn't recognized as completely crap a few years ago, in which case maybe this money would have been made available for repair and maintenance, and maybe the bridge wouldn't have deteriorated to the point of virtual collapse, leading to its demolition.
The second plaque will be installed at Saltburn Beach where the world land speed reading record was broken, in 1904, by Colonel Betty Threepwood's father Geraldine riding a camel.
Finally, Wankies Castle will site the third plaque, as the oldest building in Saltburn still in occupation and the site of the founding of the Saltburn Moustache League.
Each plaque will be made of specially treated steel 10" in diameter and incorporate the name of the manufacturers, Wasteofpublicmoney Limited.
Sunday, 15 July 2007
Friday, 13 July 2007
"A small maid-of-all work appeared in answer to the bell, and stood transfixed as the visitor, producing a monocle, placed it in his right eye and inspected her through it.
“A warm afternoon,” he said cordially.
“But pleasant,” urged the young man. “Tell me, is Mrs. Jackson at home?”
“Not at home?”
The young man sighed.
“Ah, well,” he said, “we must always remember that these disappointments are sent to us for some good purpose. No doubt they make us more spiritual. Will you inform her that I called. The name is Psmith. P-smith.”
“No, no. P-s-m-i-t-h. I should explain to you that I started life without the initial letter, and my father always clung ruggedly to the plain Smith. But it seemed to me that there were so many Smiths in the world that a little variety might well be introduced. Smythe I look on as a cowardly evasion, nor do I approve of the too prevalent custom of tacking another name on in front by means of a hyphen. So I decided to adopt the Psmith. The p, I should add for your guidance, is silent, as in phthisis, psychic, and ptarmigan. You follow me?”
“You don’t think,” he said anxiously, “that I did wrong in pursuing this course?”
Splendid!” said the young man, flicking a speck of dust from his sleeve. “Splendid! Splendid!”We would urge all of those readers anxious to make their views known to ourselves to study the works of the immortal Wodehouse with great care. Otherwise you are going to get fucking crucified.
Thursday, 12 July 2007
Councillor Robbo Johnson, Head of the 'Leisure Activities and Bestiality' unit told the Subversives, "We all remember what happened last year when tattoos of sheep and other domestic animals were allowed to be represented in the competition, and the unpleasantness that resulted. But I can assure local residents that with the new Animal Tattoo Regulations coming into force from the 19th of this month, those problems should not be repeated. "
Not all Saltburn residents were convinced. We spoke to Colonel Betty Threepwood, chairman of the Saltburn Busybodies Association, who said "It's all very well for the Council to try to support local traditions but they don't have to clear up the mess afterwards. What about the loss to local sheep farmers that took place last year. Some of them still haven't received compensation for all their livestock that died of shock!"
We look forward to the results of the competition.
Councillor Jack Daw was unavailable for comment as he has been hospitalized once again by a repeat bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania.
A new report published today from Saltburn University reveals that muesli causes bowel cancer. Professor Dribble, of the Department of Toxicology, headed a team which has been conducting research into the intestinal effects of muesli and oat-based products. Statistical analysis reveals that serial porridge eaters are 5 times as likely to contract cancer of the colon as non-users. For foodstuff which lace oats with nuts and dried fruit the figure reduces slightly to 4.7 times more likely.
Mirroring the measures taken with tobacco products, it is expected that famous household breakfast favourites will be forced to carry dramatic health warnings, including pictures, so that consumers are left in no doubt about the dangers. The pictures we print today have been leaked from a Department of Health seminar which discussed how advisory messages might be included on products.
We have also heard that Miss Wilton may also have fallen foul of the Shed Allignment (Allotments) Regulations 2007, as detailed here and that she sometimes goes to the lavatory. Watch this space!
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
A new branch of Music Zone has opened up here in Fiddlington. Your waggish Wogan blog type and the Dossmistress ventured in there, braving the whiff of patchouli oil and stale lager emanating from some yeti-type beings. Feeling ever so slightly nauseous, we re-entered planet real world with a copy of The Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ for yours truly and The Val Doonican Collection for the little lady.
It was only when we came back on to the street that it suddenly dawned on me that there is a recent trend which has gone unremarked by most of the public. Is it only me - your trusty purveyor of wit-ramble, monthly supplier of vanity-waffle, tireless progenitor of nothingness and vacuous gobshite extraordinaire - who has noticed the rise in tartan dog-collars? Where do they come from? Who buys these things? Why are they only deemed suitable for very small dogs, especially irritating little terrier dogs who bark and growl at visitors? Are there so many Scottish people around or are they bought for Scottish dogs?
I’ll tell you what. Both the Dossmeister and his long-suffering wife are completed foxed by it all. But for now we’ll live with our bafflement. And you never know. Maybe one day, just maybe, we’ll be collared* into buying a tartan dog appendage for our own new Scotty*. There's life in the old Dogmeister* yet!
(*Note to Blogmeister – these are not spelling errors but a very clever way of resolving the article with amusing puns and wordplay.)
"There is increasing evidence of soaring levels of hypocrisy and mental illness in Saltburn. As an example I reproduce a comment recently placed on this blog by 'Anonymous', as a classic example of the problem.
'Good job we have such noble self-sacrificing citizens as yourselves to protect the people of Saltburn, then, isn't it? Shame you do it anonymously. Oh. And that you haven't bothered to get your facts right.
I'm sure you will agree that the hypocrisy and unsubstantiated allegations that it contains betray a lack of self awareness bordering on mental illness. I can only assume that the writer saw the whole of the 'Live Earth' concert at the week end. All I can say is that I told you so!"
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
|A Good School - it's official!||March 2007|
|The staff students, parents and governors of Huntcliff School are delighted that the recent OFSTED inspection has recognised the teamwork that leads to their overall judgement as 'Good' in all 5 areas assessed under the new framework. For the full story see the March Edition of Talk of the Town - Page 22|
Here is another such article :
|Official Openeing of Childrens Centre||14th Dec|
The new Childrens Centre on the Huncliffe site ill be oficially opened on 14th December by BBC Radio's Stuart McFarlane and 2-year old Chariss Savory at 1.30pm.
The new centre, which cost £1.3m to build, has proved very popular with young families not only from Saltburn, but from the surounding villages of Guisborough, Lingdale, Boosbeck & Skelton.
Rosedene Nurseries run th 45-place nursery for under 5's, but the centre also includes daycare, health clinics, training courses and councelling.
How many mistakes can you spot? We would say at least six....Good thing we have such a good school in Saltburn.
The Versive likes a joke as much as the next blog but always steers away from anything of dubious taste especially the childish mocking of the innocent victims of terrible disasters. We regard warping Chernobyl's name to suggest that its inhabitants are nobbly, presumably due to strange genetic mutations, as a sick thing to print. Unfortunately, it is little more than we have come to expect from a 'magazine' which proudly boasts its obsession with dog shit and litter.
Whatever next from this demotic journal. They'll doubtless be poking fun at the Japanese calling their women Horribleshimas or Nagasaggers, having a good laugh at the big-noses of the butchered children of the 'Hooter' tribe in Rwanda, making light of Saddam's gassing of the Lemons in northern Iraq.
Sickos. We say arrest the editor and nuke the bastard's offices.
In one of his more lucid moments Professor Dribble of Saltburn University gave us the details.
"It is a thoroughly comprehensive course beginning with hints and tips on spotting gullible people, to talking pseudo-scientific bollocks about things like 'energy flows' and 'visceral mobilisation'. The final part of the course gives details of the best techniques for relieving the client of as much money as possible."
Anyone interested in the course should contact Professor Dribble at the Seaview Nursing Home.
Monday, 9 July 2007
Sunday, 8 July 2007
Professor Dribble, of the University said, "Our Climatological Bollocks Department has detected a marked increase in Hypocrisy in the atmosphere since yesterday together with an excess of other dangerous abstract nouns such as Insincerity and the most dangerous factor of all in these circumstances, known to us scientists as 'Talking Complete Bollocks'.
The Professor continued, "We consider these events to be exremely serious for the long term well-being of planet Earth and would urge the people of Saltburn to turn up their Bullshit Detectors to maximum as an initial precaution against mental illness as a result of their sudden increase in the atmosphere. People should be particularly wary of the prime exponent of this type of thing, a person who apparently goes by the name of 'Al Gore'. We at the University of Hull have calculated that this man produces more dangerous Hypocrisy in a day than the whole of Belgium."
For the benefit of some of our readers from south of Watford, Hull is a town on the Yorkshire Coast. Yorkshire is a county in the North of England. England is that funny place outside the M25 where you can't get a decent latte.
Saturday, 7 July 2007
'London - British public safety officials today increased the national alert level to "Quite Elevated Indeed" -- the highest category possible -- and appealed to UK citizens to "keep a sharp lookout for diverse people engaged in activities."
"We ask the public to report any behaviors by various people that may or may not be of a suspicious nature," said Lt. Clive Jameson of the Metropolitan Police Service. "We further ask the public to be especially vigilant for activities of broad stratas of people who may be from countries of some sort, especially those within the eastern and/or western hemisphere." '
Police rushed to a farm in Skelton yesterday — after a man was seen romping with a cow.
A shocked passer-by rang 999 after seeing the man — wearing only black briefs — having sex with the animal at 4.30am.
By the time officers arrived he had fled but night-time patrols are on the alert in case he strikes again.
Farmer Roger Bovine was stunned to hear what had happened to the cow, one of three rare English longhorns in the field.
Specialist breeder Roger, 39, even thinks he knows which of them was the victim — a looker named Blondie who is the friendliest.The man was scared off when the passer-by shouted at him at Richard’s farm in Skelton. Locals are certain he was not from the area. (sic!)
He added: “I have got to be much more vigilant. The cows don’t seem to be spending so much time inside and are happier outside the barn at night.”
We understand the police are looking for a man aged about 30 years, with short fair hair and a low IQ. He was believed to have been driving a black VW Golf.
Friday, 6 July 2007
I am sceptical about the fixture list you have published for STFC. Most of the dates are on Saturdays. Could you please investigate.
'I've been everywhere looking for a deep-fried marsbar in batter but no joy, chief. It's all healthy sh!te around here what with all this palmo and salads stuff.'
Veteran defender Bill Headdress, landed on the last day of the transfer window from Thirsk-based Miserable North Yorkshire Bastards Athletic, said he's looking forward to slotting into the defence where he will play as the central inserter. Bill said he had been hoping to end his career at Victoria Park ever since he dicovered that Saltburn now had broadband.
Rumble's third signing was the exciting and flamboyant young striker Ray the Boy bought at a snip from relegated Th'Estate Opposite Th'Esso Garage. As is his wont, he'll be playing in the hole behind Jimmy Horace looking to predate on anything loose.
The full team are listed below:
Skelton, S. of
Abdul, I. B.
Horace, J. F. C.
Boy, R. the
Season tickets are now available at the Victoria Stadium at the discounted price of £37.23 or £42.67 for a family ticket. Supporters are reminded that homosexuals and asylum seekers are excluded from the concourse areas. A full fixture listing is given below:
Football Fixtures – South North Eastern Palmo Sunday League
August 11: Loftus Pikeys 3pm
August 15: Skelton Onanists 7.45pm
August 18: Stang How Hermaphrodites (a) 3pm
August 25: Guisborough Meatheads (h) 3pm
September 1: Stokesley Stuckups (h) 3pm
September 15: Yarm Arseholes (a) 3pm
September 22: Pissheads from th’Ormesby Legion (h) 3pm
September 29: Eston Kebab-Eaters (a) 3pm
October 6: Brotton and Shaggedslappers United (h) 3pm
October 20: Amber Street Smackheads (a) 3pm
October 27: Spotty Youfs from Redcar (h) 3pm
November 3: Roseberry’s Tit (a) 3pm
November 10: HMP Stockton (h) 3pm
November 24: Allotment C**ts (h) 3pm
December 1: Pissheads from t’Swing Doors (a) 3pm
December 8: Tedious Old farts from t’ Marine Lounge (h) 3pm
December 15: Stockton Pakis (a) 3pm
December 22: Skinninggrove Troglodytes (a) 3pm
December 26: Marske Arsefingerers (h) 3pm
December 29: Grangetown Space Cadets (a) 3pm
January 1: Amber Street Smackheads (h) 3pm
January 12: Guisborough Meatheads (h) 3pm
January 19: Marske Arsefingerers (a) 3pm
January 29: Stang How Hermaphrodites (h) 7.45pm
February 2: Loftus Pikey (a) 3pm
February 9: Brotton and Shaggedslappers United (h) 3pm
February 23: Yarm Arseholes (a) 3pm
March 1: Skelton Onanists (h) 3pm
March 8; Pissheads from th’Ormesby Legion a) 3pm
March 15: HMP Stockton (a) 3pm
March 22: Allotment C**ts (h) 3pm
March 29: Tedious Old farts from t’ Marine Lounge (h) 3pm
April 5: Stockton Pakis (a) 3pm
April 12: Spotty Youfs from Redar (h) 3pm
April 19: Roseberry’s Tit (a) 3pm
April 26: Grangetown Space Cadets (a) 3pm
May 3: Skinninggrove Troglodytes (h) 3pm
May 11: Guisborough Meatheads (a) 3pm
Thursday, 5 July 2007
The vicar has even claimed that laws that have undermined marriage, including the introduction of pro-gay legislation, have provoked God to act by sending the storms that have left thousands of people homeless.
"It's well known that the new homosexual civil partnerships cause, severe thunderstorms,"
he told Saltburn Subversives yesterday.
While those who have been affected by the storms are innocent victims, the vicar argues controversially that the flooding is a result of Western Civilisation's decision to ignore biblical teaching. "Particularly Exodus. 32 : 27," he continued, "where it says: 'Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from the gate and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.' We Christians just don't do this sort of thing anymore...I think it's a mistake!"
He urged people to respond to the latest floods by turning away from a lifestyle of greed and the accumulation of wealth and moral degradation that goes with it.
It is estimated that the Church of England has assets in the region of £3.9 billion.
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
The Quackometer says,
"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is throwing in some scientific jargon and may be doing this to give an appearance of knowledgablity. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."
Well done Emily. The usual bucket of bullshit is on its way!
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
Salburn Subversives has heard that two men have been arrested in connection with the incident. The men are believed to be Mustaph Halfabrain, proprietor of the 'Apoststes for Burning' shop in Milton Street (free Union Jack with every Rushdie effigy) and Mr Halfabrain's nephew Haafeez Ballzmissin. We believe, both men have been charged with 'terrorist incompetence bordering on the dangerously hilarious'
As he was being led away Mr. Halfabrain said, "I blame the teachers! The quality of science teaching in this country is rubbish! How is my nephew supposed to become a self respecting mass murdering jihadist if he has no idea how to make a proper bomb? The education system in this country is rubbish! It's all a plot by the Jews to oppress us poor muslims!"
PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer was unavailable for comment as he is attending a three week 'Gender Awareness Course' in the Mendip Hills.
Holding a large placard emblazoned with the words 'Careful Now', the Rev. Bogey said,
"It's basically a sex jab, encouraging the girls to become sexually available. Everybody knows this type of thing is bound to encourage 12 year old girls to become sexually promiscuous and probably force them into prostitution! I know scientists claim that this injection will save 700 lives a year but my deeply held but irrational beliefs tell me the thing we should be doing is trying to stop kids becoming sexually active."
Saltburn Subersives spoke to a number of girls at Saltburn High School about the matter. Rosie Threepwood (11) said "Boys, Ye-euk!" Jenny Wittgenstein, aged 12, was more forthcoming, she said, " I don't like boys, they smell funny!" A sentiment with which Saltburn Subversives can only concur.
Monday, 2 July 2007
Although Saltburn is already generously blessed with a cosmopolitan array of fine eateries, the Versive is pleased to announce the opening of another new restaurant in our town.
Brainchild of Saltburn-born, internationally acclaimed sushi chef, Wok Mi Daft, The Dragon’s Slit will open to the general public next Wednesday. Offering an impeccably modern Chinese, Japanese and South Korean cuisine, the Slit will be featuring traditional delicacies such as live squid and octopus.
The Slit is also looking to corner the high end in the oriental eating out market for the whole of Teesside. To this, er, end, the restaurant will be offering the latest in flamboyant Chinese hospitality - the penis. Those seeking out the high life, Mao-style, will need rather bigger wallets than your average eastern peasant farmer. Entry-level prices begin at £46 for the penis of a dog or wolf but rise steeply for the more exotic specimens. £60 buys gratin of donkey penis drizzled with a white wine reduction, £85 gets you a cobra’s knob in aspic whilst you will part with over £120 for the house special of walrus penis with a foreskin sausage of jellyfish and ground locust.
Praise for the restaurant has been effusive. Here is a video of some scenes from the celebrity-studded invitation-only preview night.
MP Jimmy F****** C*** Horace said ‘They come f****** over here eating all our f****** squid and using up all our f****** walrus penises, the c****. They’ll be storing the f****** things in the f****** local swimming f****** pool next, the f****** slitty eyed c*****, getting their f****** squid pregnant just so they can get a f****** council house.’
Joan from Only Organics gave a cautious welcome to the new venture but warned that it was important that any live creatures at the restaurant were treated humanely and paid the proper minimum wage. ‘Saltburn has a long and proud history of cruelty to animals and we don’t want this reputation tarnishing’.
Sea levels swelled, but still they doubted. Temperatures soared, but still they questioned. Glaciers disappeared, yet even so, they refused to believe it was down to the gerbils. But now, the sudden disintegration of a massive Antarctic ice shelf may have convinced even the most hardened skeptics that Earth truly is threatened by Gerbil warming. But Professor Street disagrees.
For example, "If there was before, there can be no doubt now that there is one very obvious reason why all these things are happening," said Dr. Milton Street of the Centre for Climatological Bollocks at Saltburn University. "And that reason is: Because they are. Basically it's just a coincidence."
The numbers supporting Gerbil Coincidence, Street insisted, don't lie. In the last 100 years, while carbon dioxide and methane emissions from Gerbils have surged, the world's average land surface temperature has risen 1.0ºF, and the oceans have risen 6 to 8 inches. "For most people, that would be enough," Street noted. "I mean, right there, all that adds up to a pretty strange coincidence, but coincidence we believe it is."
Lo and behold, before you know it there’s no space left for me to say anything by the time I’ve included all this. One day, I will write what I think about some things. But until then, there’s no more space so it’s goodbye and best wishes to you all until next time. Love, Bwian
Picturing themselves lounging on an island of tiramisu basking contentedly in the baked Alaskan sun with the breezy waft of lime coulis rivers and the gentle plopping of volcanic geysers languidly gurgling and splurting endless dollops of strawberry crème brulee, our guests select their eight favourite pieces of music and a very special dessert.
All our cast-offs receive a copy of The Selfish Gene, a lifetime subscription to Talk of the Town and the complete works of local rock idol David Coverdale should life ever get dull on our imaginary pudding idyll. They must also nominate a book of their own choosing and a luxury.
This week’s cast-off is the Rt. Hon. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, MP, Secretary of State for Public Discoarse, Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys and Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association. His selections are below.
Fuckup in B Minor by J. S. Bach
Robert De Niro’s Waiting, The C**t by Bananarama
Fuck the World by BandAid
Cuntata for Three Violins and a Rotorvator by D. Shostakovich
Suspicious Cunts by Elvis Presley
Prelude and Fuck by G. F. Handel
Grandma, Fuck Off by St. Winnifred’s School Choir
Cunts by Robbie Williams
Dessert: Bitter Chocolate Tart with Soured Cream
For his book, Mr. Horace choose ‘Critique of Pure Reason’ by Immanuel Kunt. Asked to nominate a luxury, the C**t said this an easy one - ‘a rotorf******vator’.
Next week, Lonnie Donnegan-Cross makes some quite startling choices.
Sunday, 1 July 2007
The scooter was towed away by by the council after the police had made the device safe. A similar device found in the basket of a bicycle parked a couple of streets away was also made safe.
A police spokesman said "We apologise to the public for the length of time it took us to sort this out. The officers involved were laughing so much they could barely speak!"
Councillor Jack Daw, speaking on behalf of Saltburn Town Council said, "It is right that we should raise our security status, it has therefore been raised from 'Absolutely Hilarious' to merely 'Pathetically Funny'. Saltburn General Hospital has had a number of admissions in the last couple of days, of people with injuries caused by excessive mirth, such as cracked ribs and high blood pressure, all as a result of laughing too much."
We understand that police are looking for Mr Mustapha Alfabrain, owner of the 'Apostates for Burning', shop in Milton Street, (Rushdie effigies half price, while stocks last), in connection with the incident.