Dessert Island Discs

She may be one helluva bit of eye candy (note to BBC controllers: why, then, put her on the radio?), but the Versive is proud to bring you the antidote to the pulchritudinous Kirsty Young. Ladies, gentlemen, dog-shit obsessives and all of you who quiver in the closet afeard that your obession with litter and waste is about to be publicly outed on the next episode of the Graham Norton show, take note! We introduce our very own, totally new and entirely uncontrived Dessert Island Discs.

Picturing themselves lounging on an island of tiramisu basking contentedly in the baked Alaskan sun with the breezy waft of lime coulis rivers and the gentle plopping of volcanic geysers languidly gurgling and splurting endless dollops of strawberry crème brulee, our guests select their eight favourite pieces of music and a very special dessert.

All our cast-offs receive a copy of The Selfish Gene, a lifetime subscription to Talk of the Town and the complete works of local rock idol David Coverdale should life ever get dull on our imaginary pudding idyll. They must also nominate a book of their own choosing and a luxury.

This week’s cast-off is the Rt. Hon. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, MP, Secretary of State for Public Discoarse, Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys and Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association. His selections are below.

Music Selection

Fuckup in B Minor by J. S. Bach

Robert De Niro’s Waiting, The C**t by Bananarama

Fuck the World by BandAid

Cuntata for Three Violins and a Rotorvator by D. Shostakovich

Suspicious Cunts by Elvis Presley

Prelude and Fuck by G. F. Handel

Grandma, Fuck Off by St. Winnifred’s School Choir

Cunts by Robbie Williams

Dessert: Bitter Chocolate Tart with Soured Cream

For his book, Mr. Horace choose ‘Critique of Pure Reason’ by Immanuel Kunt. Asked to nominate a luxury, the C**t said this an easy one - ‘a rotorf******vator’.

Next week, Lonnie Donnegan-Cross makes some quite startling choices.