Thursday, 12 July 2007
Muesli Causes Cancer – It’s Official
A new report published today from Saltburn University reveals that muesli causes bowel cancer. Professor Dribble, of the Department of Toxicology, headed a team which has been conducting research into the intestinal effects of muesli and oat-based products. Statistical analysis reveals that serial porridge eaters are 5 times as likely to contract cancer of the colon as non-users. For foodstuff which lace oats with nuts and dried fruit the figure reduces slightly to 4.7 times more likely.
Mirroring the measures taken with tobacco products, it is expected that famous household breakfast favourites will be forced to carry dramatic health warnings, including pictures, so that consumers are left in no doubt about the dangers. The pictures we print today have been leaked from a Department of Health seminar which discussed how advisory messages might be included on products.