Friday, 29 June 2007
The Versive is please to be able to publish, courtesy of parliamentary publisher Anne Sard, the transcript of the former deputy prime minister's final speech in the House of Commons.
"Yes, we are the Labour government no, and I am proud, I am proud to have played my part in that. We have had our uppers but we have yes we have made mistakes and I don’t reside in that. But throughput though, we as the Labour party, have some to stand and say this to all the naysayers and toothgivers, this, that we have come to criticism the government . We have been steadfast in our resolute and not will we, no, will we say that we do that otherwise. Now that is clear to me as much as the next man and the public at large. Thank you."
Today, on his way to much his heralded first appearance before the Select Committee for Caving In To Religious Vested Interests, prime minister Brown had time to announce a late addition to his new cabinet. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, President of Saltburn Allotments Association, some time civil rights campaigner and general battle-hardened veteran of the 11 (am) o’clock swill, is to join the government as Secretary of State for Public Discourse. Mr. Horace will also take over the vacant position of Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys.
The prime minister was keen to stress the importance of Mr Horace's role. This is not some Orwellian surveillance operation aimed at suppressing the noble words of the working class but an attempt to improve the sometimes impoverished standards of the public conversation. Once thought of as past his sell-by date, recent years have seen something of a renaissance for the minister. Concern about climate change, once the sole preoccupation of bekaftaned acid-crazed students reading ecology, has now become mainstream and Horace's pioneering and prescient championing of the allotment movement and organic food had turned him into something of celebrity.
Of his appointment, Mr. Horace claimed that he was ‘f******* grateful to that jock c*** for giving me this f****** chance to get rid of the them f****** Muslim
c*****. ’ In a kind of reverse Theresa May, the newly minted minister also requested that the media respected his wish to be henceforth known as the Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association.
Councillor Daphne Mewling said ‘this is political incorrectness gone mad’.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
The application was approved subject to the exterior colour scheme. Councillor Mrs. Daphne Mewling said "It's going to look lovely, mostly cream, maroon and turquoise green!Smashing!"
Councillor Peter Spandex disagreed. "This colour scheme is a disaster!" he said, "My partner Rupert says it would look much nicer bright pink with detail in cerise and chocolate. I'm sure the people of Saltburn would agree!"
Dismissing questions from Saltburn Subversives regarding access to the new school and whether the design would serve the best interests of the young people of Saltburn, Councillor Mewling said, "Don't worry about all that, It'll look absolutely lovely!"
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
July eh? Named after that Roman fella, eh Julian something. He was responsible for something important but I can't remember what. I was going to make him the subject of this month's article but the blogmeister didn't seem to think it was a good idea, for some reason. I don't know why.
So he said it might be better if I wrote about them nice wildflowers I like so much, so yesterday I went botanising on my day off. So I'll describe my walk, if I can remember. I intended to walk to Marske along the seafront. The problem was I'd forgotten how to get there. Never mind. I had my copy of 'Collins Guide to Wildflowers', so I looked for some flowers anyway. Unfortunately I couldn't find any that were in the book or maybe I couldn't find the right page.
Luckily almost immediately I saw a small brown bird which swooped down and disappeared up my arse. I think it's nesting. Would you like to see it?
Quack of the month for july is Mark Fielding whose website here receives a massive 9 canards on the quackometer. Under normal circumstances this would be a brilliant score, but Saltburn is infested with snakeoil salesman and assorted bullshitters so Mark's is quite an achievement.
Here is what the Quackometer had to say about Mark's website,
"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is throwing in some scientific jargon and may be doing this to give an appearance of knowledgablity. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."
Well done Mark! The usual bucket of cow dung is on its way to you!
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Norm, I was surprised not to see a comment on your blog about the furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Sir Ian Botham.
I understand that the British High Commissioner was called in by the government in Canberra and given a dressing down for the way in which the Queen has insulted the Australian people by her provocative act. Sources close to the Australian government say that it is quite clear that the Queen's intention in awarding a public honour of this kind to the superannuated sports star was simply to provide an excuse for the British media to replay TV footage of the 1981 Headingly Test, thereby humiliating Australians by reminding them of how they suffered at the hands of the English. Further, sources said that instead of taking the opportunity to honour Ricky Ponting and his team for their outstanding performances in the recent Ashes series, the Queen has impugned the sporting prowess of Australian men and insulted the whole Australian nation. Consequently, the Australian government is calling on Australians everywhere to go into English pubs and pour beer over anyone who dares to mention the name "Botham".
The British government has yet to comment officially on these reports. However, Shirley Williams was quoted as saying that the Australian government did seem to have a point, and although she had never really understood cricket it didn't seem right to upset people over a game that happened a long time ago. Will Self was reported to have said that since Ian Botham was a controversial figure in cricket, it was not obvious why he accepted the knighthood anyway.
Do you have any views on this breaking story?
Friday, 22 June 2007
A MURDER suspect told police he feared for his life as he stabbed his best friend, a Teesside jury heard.
Shaun Martin, 30, insists he acted in self defence in the midst of a street fight in the early hours of December 29 last year. He admitted to officers that he stabbed Lee Hannan, 29, on Tennyson Avenue, Grangetown, “defending myself while he was attacking me with a pizza”.
Martin, of Kingsley Road, Grangetown, denies murder.
His police interviews were read to the jury at Teesside Crown Court yesterday
He said he received calls that night from Lee, who he had known since he was 15, suggesting that he come round for a few beers and a pizza while they watched the football on TV'
"When he turned up he parked his car in my parking space, the bastard. I mean he's my best friend and everything but what a cu%t! And then I saw that the pizza he'd brought was cheese and tomato, and he knows I only eat pepperoni! The fu**er. So naturally I went wild."
He continued "I accidentally went to the kitchen and got a knife and stabbed him four times while he came at me with the pizza box again and again"
“I thought he was going to kill me. He kept going at me and going at me. So I kept on hitting out with the knife.”
Martin said Lee walked off and collapsed. “I ran off. I was too scared to stay there.”
He said he panicked and washed the knife he used
He could not account for Lee Hannan’s defensive wounds.
The trial continues.
Thursday, 21 June 2007
In a conversation in the beer tent with our Irrational Religious Beliefs Correspondent, Ophelia Box and between pints of Colonel Betty Threepwood's 'Special Home Brew', the vicar said,
"I'm sick of this bloody religion lark. My wife's the best fu%king ironer in the district and she never gets a look in! Those judges are fuc%@ing biased, I'm telling you! (Hic!) I've always suspected there might not be a God," he continued after returning from the bar for the third time in twenty minutes, " this just proves it once and for all! And what about the fact that it always pisses down with rain at church functions! What kind of God would do that?"
At this point the Vicar was sick on the entries in the 'Ladies' Lace Underwear section'.
Our correspondent Ophelia Box contacted the Bishop of Yorkshire for his comments only to be told "Of course there is no God. Belief in God has always been optional in the Church of England. just don't tell any of the 'faithful', silly sods. And would you like to see me in full regalia? You'd particularly like my stockings!"
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
The local Labour Party spokesman, Mr. L. Whimperer said "This legislation is an integral part of the government's determination to stamp out the curse of Islamophobia and the hurt feelings amongst the muslim community caused by having to speak to people whose forenames are clearly derived from Christianity. Except for the name Gary of course, which we just don't like."
Pirates of the Caribbean : The Curse of the Black Pudding.
The Matrix Re-Toasted.
Star Wars : The Attack of the Scones.
E.T. The Extra-Tomatoes.
Details of screening times can be obtained from Saltburn Library.
Following our report on the Council's proposals regarding the Shed Alignment Regulations here,
Saltburn Subversives understands that the local authority is planning to send in the emergency Shed Alignment Squad (SAS) to enforce the law. Ms Janet Hand-Wringer of Saltburn Town Council said, "We cannot allow people to flout the law of the land. Useless regulations are a vital part of local government and if people think they can get away with ignoring them they are very much mistaken! Otherwise they might start questioning our other spurious services and then where would we be?"
At a meeting of the Saltburn Allotments Association, held last week in the Seaview Hotel, a motion was passed to form a paramilitary wing (pictured above) to defend the allotments. Member Jimmy Horace, who spoke at the meeting said, "those fu%?ing bastards are not coming anywhere near my shed without a bloody fight..and mine's a double Talisker's Fred!"
Monday, 18 June 2007
A couple were cautioned by police on Saturday night after they were discovered having sex in the cab of a crane on the building site on Dundas Street.
Police went to the building site to investigate after bystanders spotted the couple climbing into the cab of the crane. An officer's command to come down was followed by a naked foot popping over the railing, police said.
The officer noted the couple then got dressed and climbed down.
The man, who worked at the site and had keys to the crane, told officers he was photographing the town skyline.
Pc Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police officer was unavailable for comment as he was playing golf.
The Academic Athletic Club opened in September 2006 and has seen a steady boom in business.
George Forster, the owner said he saw a need for such a facility in downtown Saltburn. Forster has reportedly worked with leftie academics for more than nine years.
The Academic Athletic Club has more than 10,000 square feet for lecturers and teachers of all kinds to play, as well as be groomed and trained.
"Most of the discipline problems that people have with their academics is simply a matter of not enough exercise," said Forster. "Problems such as waffling, bitching and chewing the carpet all result from lack of stimulation."
Forster said that since he has a high academic- to-trainer ratio, he generally charges more than similar facilities in the area. But, he said, he believes his day care offers a more personal relationship among academics, trainers and clients.
Sunday, 17 June 2007
The Subversives are acutely aware that Tazz fans have been neglected lately. So this month we have a treat for you. Tazzisms and a couple of Tazz 'jokes'. Enjoy.
'Versive to Tazz behind the bar :"Tazz, I'll give you two quid if you call Bill 'Dad' when he comes in with his new girlfriend."
Tazz : "Ok"
'Versive : "And keep calling him 'Dad', Ok?"
Some time later Bill comes into the bar, accompanied by new girlfriend. Tazz looks at him. You can see the cogs whirring.
Tazz to Bill : "Oh, I think I was supposed to call you Dad."
Landlady to Tazz : "Tazz, go to the shop and get me two pounds of satsumas."
Tazz : "How many is two pounds?"
Landlady to Tazz : "Oh Tazz! Just get two bags."
George to Tazz : "Dolphins are the only animals apart from humans that commit rape."
Tazz to George : "Dolphins aren't animals, they're mammals."
Do you think he's got a big head?
When do you think he'll come down?
Jack in the beanstalk!
Friday, 15 June 2007
Regular readers will remember this recent article regarding Saltburn attack rodents.
It would appear that an aggressive hamster escaped yesterday and attacked and injured three people in Saltburn before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.
The hamster first ran into a house in Emerald Street and leapt from behind onto 60-year-old, Bill Headress and sank its teeth into his hand, a local police spokesman said on Thursday.
With the hamster still hanging from his hand, Mr Headress ran into the street in panic, where he managed to shake it off. Mr. Headress said afterwards "It was painful at the time but I haven't had a stonker on like this for 20 years. My girlfriend's in for a hell of a surprise."
The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole.
"After that, the hamster went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."
The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the hamster was ill.
This month's award goes to Daniela Caradonna whose website here scores a massive Ten Little Black Ducks on the Quackometer! Here's what else the Quackometer had to say:
" This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It is full of scientific jargon that is out of place and probably doesn't know the meaning of any of the terms. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind."
Well done Daniela! The usual bucket of cow dung is on its way to you. Ps we will need the bucket back.
Do you know someone worthy of a bucket of shit? Nominations are now being accepted for next month's award.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Saltburn will get its first nursing home for Post Modernists with round-the-clock monitoring by doctors and a team of psychiatrists to help aging lecturers and academics cope with the real world, a pet products company has said.
Owners pay £500 a month to keep their post modernists at the Care Home for Brain Dead Lefties which opens Friday, according to a statement by the home's owner Benny Wittgenstein.
Psychiatrists at the home will offer round-the-clock monitoring, and residents will be fed specially fortified food, the release said.
The home, which can accept 20 humanities graduates at one time, will also employ puppies to play with the post modernists to help them keep fit and feel younger, the release said.
Analysts say that a boom in pet ownership in Cleveland, coupled with better health care and a more balanced diet, has led to a surge in elderly academics in the area.
That has spurred doting owners to turn to vitamins, aromatherapy and even acupuncture to help their companions through their old age.
All screenings will be at the Community Centre.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Saltburn Subversives has learned of a further controversy involving Saltburn Allotments. We understand that Saltburn Town Council is seeking to enforce the recent 'Shed Alignment (allotments) regulations 2007', passed in response to complaints nationally regarding inappropriatley aligned sheds. Since the passage of the regulations no shed may be placed on an allotment unless it is aligned appropriately and in a satisfyingly aesthetic manner, with regard to other sheds or structures on the same set of allotments.
A spokesperson from Saltburn Town Council Ms. Janet Hand-Wringer said "We need to protect the people of Saltburn from the danger represented by incorrectly aligned sheds, and besides, we at the council need something to do, and if we didn't make a laughing stock of ourselves on a regular basis people would think we weren't doing our jobs properly."
(you may very well think that this is a satirical article. After all, you're an intelligent person. Sorry...this story is actually true...)
it would be churlish not to return the compliment. So here it is and essential reading it is too, for all those people who object to the cretinous snake-oil merchants and conmen that increasingly infest this town.
Also worth looking at are Ben Goldacre's excellent site and James Randi's, here and here.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
This month's first speaker will be Danielle Cardomom our local Tomatsu-Practitioner who was featured in this blog recently, here. Danielle said, "I'm so looking forward to meeting you all. Don't forget your chequebooks!"
On the second wednesday of the month our speaker will be the Reverend Lonnie Donegan-Cross from the parish church who says he is definitely looking for people like us. He is so looking forward to it he will be bringing his very biggest collection plate! What a nice man!
Do come and join us you will be made very welcome.
Oh, I almost forgot, we also meet informally at the dim end of the lounge bar in the Seaview Hotel on a Friday. Or is it Saturday? Or maybe both, I think. I do know that it's normally about tea-time.
Saltburn Moustache League has been in contact with the Subversives to express their outrage at the current threat from Saltburn Town Council. Colonel Betty Threepwood (pictured right) chairperson of the league, and five times winner of the gold medal in the annual Saltburn moustache growing competition said, " this new council policy is a threat to moustache rights everywhere and I urge Saltburn residents to oppose it."
We contacted the Council who told us that officials are taking action against moustache owners who allow their moustaches, ear or nasal hair to overhang the pavements.
Officals have written to eight residents, who are the most serious offenders. They have appealed to their spirit of "good neighbourliness". But if moustaches and other forms of facial hair are not trimmed back Council Officials could do the work and send the bills to the residents concerned.
The Council was alerted to the problem by a detailed letter from a blind man, who has hit his head several times on offending facial hair. He said, "The situation is getting worse daily, and is exacerbated by warm and humid weather."
Councillor Jack Daw, cabinet member for Strategic Facial Hair Planning, Development and Infrastructure, said he was grateful for the information from the resident, who had written several times about the problem.
"We have written to the eight worst offenders and asked them to take action, but because the moustaches are on private land we cannot simply remove them", he said.
Councillor Daw said the letters explained that the facial hair could overgrow to such an extent that it could cause a hazard to pedestrians and children.
"We can ask them to take action under a clause in the Highways Act 1980. Our highways inspectors will visit the residents in two weeks to see if the work has been done. If it hasn't the work will be carried out by our emergency shaving squad and the residents will be billed."
The Versive reported last month on the draconian new legislation from Europe -curse those bloody foreigners! - banning the growing of phallic shaped vegetables following the hospitalisation of a local teenager. Readers will recall that the girl had been making out with assorted carrots and parsnips on the Saltburn Allotments.
Worryingly, such incidences have become increasingly common and this escalation has seen a parallel growth online in what is now called 'vegporn'. The Versive can report that a quick look at the web reveals how popular and pervasive this craze has become. Sites dedicated to Milfs (Marrows I'd Like to F***k) are commonplace whilst fetish sites devoted to similarly unhealthy sexual deviancy are legion. In just five minutes surfing, your correspondent was directed to Total Courgette A*** F**k, Aubergine T*t WV**k, C*me on My Lettuce and Beetsha**ers.
We can report that it seems that the Eurocrats now have fishing in their sights after a spate of hospital admissions of teenagers who have contracted on fish. The conger eel and mackerel are difficult enough to extract but when the likes of sea bass and herring are inserted with the direction of the scales then they are all but impossible to remove. The men in Brussels are considering an outright ban on landing any scaly fish and, failing that, prohibition on the vending of these creatures to the under-18s.
The Reverend Lonnie Donegan-Cross from Saltburn Parish Church had a message for all young people: 'This filth must stop and stop now.' Jimmy Horace said 'F**k 'em, the fish-f**king c**t-f**kers' whilst regular columnist Doss House told the Versive that his establishment had recently invested in a new fish tank.
Last week at least one report reached Saltburn Subversives offices claiming that Jim 'button-it-ignorant-peasant-I'm-trying-to-run-an-auction-here' Sayten was sharing a joke with a customer on viewing day. It is claimed that a perceptible bon-homie-style chuckle was distinctly audible.
Surely only the sight of Beardman from Kilimanjaro imploring punters to 'feel free to touch and have a go' can beat this.
Monday, 11 June 2007
One night I went to a meeting where the preacher asked anyone to come forward who was interested in becoming a Christian. I went forward not to become a Christian but to demonstrate to everyone at church that god did not really exist, as I did not believe at that time. As I went forward I said to god, "If you are real, prove yourself to me." As I said that, I felt a bolt of electricity go through my body, which I believe was god's power working for the first time in my life. From that moment my desires changed, and I've followed Jesus ever since.
Shortly afterwards the entire church burnt down due to an electrical fault.
(Editor's note: if this happens to you please contact a qualified electrician as soon as possible.)
Sunday, 10 June 2007
The merry month of June eh? Or is that May? Juno mother goddess wife of what's his name. Month of abundance for everybody. Except when it isn't. ZZzzzzz. Sometimes it can snow in June. I remember what it was like in 1875. Or was that May 1877? Or 1934. Oh well. ZZZzzzzzz.
The world is changing at a frantic rate, but we should not pursue novelty for its own sake.ZZzz. We mustn't abandon the accumulated cliches of the past. You know what I mean. New ideas aren't always good. Today there's the obsession with property prices. And then there was tulipmania and the South Sea Bubble. I remember them all. ZZZZzzzz.
And then there's public transport. Why did they ever get rid of the trams? And Fizzy keg beer. And organic food, what a rip off. Oh no! I forgot. I sell organic food! Never mind. ZZZzzzz
And then there's Whitby again....WOOOPS!...I think I just fell off my hobby horse...ZZZZZzzzzzz.
Saturday, 9 June 2007
So claims the Da Vinci Code - the world's most widely read blockbusting novel and film. It's a great read and one of the good things about it is that its characters risk everything to know the truth. And more specifically the truth about Jesus Christ.
It works as a piece of fiction but as a text book on Jesus it is, well, pretty lousy. It claims that the church has been covering up the real truth about Christ through terror and manipulation. As if Christians would do that! It claims that Jesus was a good man and that he got married, and that early Christians were responsible for covering that up. Lies, all lies. As we all know, there is absolutely no reason to believe that Jesus Christ existed at all. There is not a single scrap of documentary or archaeological evidence that the whole new testament is anything other than a tissue of pathetic, wish fulfilling fantasy.
Over the next month at Emmanuel Church we'll be looking at who Jesus really was. Obviously we won't be telling the truth. We'll be peddling the same old bollocks from the gospels, otherwise we'd be out of a job!
Friday, 8 June 2007
We can do no better by way of explanation than quote a passage from the web site itself.
"At this sky cycle the steering wheel and the saddle like the bicycle, having the pedal and the chain, on the rail is the vehicle which advances with own power the pedal densely due to [gu] thing. In other things “somehow it exists with the name such as cycle”, there are also times, “cycle monorail” in the similar type. Respectively, just a little at a time the difference seems a certain way, you can say, but that, it is the kind of toy which in any case is anywhere."
Obviously we need one of these in Saltburn.
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
In any case, as I write this I am unable to find the letter. Perhaps that's just as well that I've mislaid it. Maybe by next month I'll have found it and be able to make sure it goes in the bin.
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
Tomatso Therapy is relatively new to the West, as I've only just thought of it. It is heavily influenced by the teachings of Dr. Mascari Hamsuit 34th Grandmaster of the nine schools of Ninja Turtles in Japan. It takes a holistic approach to a client's financial affairs, seeking to rebalance them in the therapist's favour. After all too large a pension fund, or too large a wallet could easily lead to back aches or other symptoms.
Tomatsu practitioners use many different techniques to suit the circumstances of the patient, but these normally involve tieing the patient to the couch and blindfolding him while an assistant goes through his pockets.
The purpose of Tomatso is to aid in the restoration of my bank balance and is extremely effective because it has this core principle: - "The person with the best knowledge of the client's problem is the therapist, so give him all your money."
This means as a Tomatsu practitioner, I will observe you carefully as you fill in our special 'financial disclosure form/power of attorney' before making the necessary adjustment and allowing your body to heal naturally, free of the worry of all that excess money.
If you would like an initial consultation please visit www.Tomatso-Practitioner.co.uk.
Sunday, 3 June 2007
In a move which is bound to increase tension in America's 'War on Victoriana', Saltburn Subversives has learned that the US Sixth Fleet has been ordered to anchor off Huntcliffe.
According to CNN a senior spokesman at the Department of Defense said 'Not only is this town in Yorkshire, England a hot bed of Victoriana but intelligence reports indicate that one of it's inhabitants likes to holiday in Cuba. The President doesn't like Cuba because his Daddy told him Castro was a bad man.'
As President Bush himself said in his recent speech in Texas 'The American people can rest easy in the knowledge that I am determined to crack down on Victorianists, and anyone who doesn't do what my Daddy says.'
In response to the news Councillor Jack Daw said 'We won't bow to this sort of pressure! We'll respond by threatening them with a feature in the 'Talk of the Town.' They'll be sorry!'
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Hello readers, Saltburn's answer to Terry Wogan here. I've been asked to do one of my funny articles so I'm going to tell you about something funny that happened the other day. It's all about me so I'm sure you'll find it very amusing!
There's a new craze sweeping the internet, called 'Nuttomatic'. It's a questionnaire that utimately leads to a description of your personality type. I filled in all the questions and the wretched machine told me I had 100% 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder.' Apparently this means I have a 'grandiose sense of self-importance' (e.g., I exaggerate achievements and talents, expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). What nonsense! Apparently I have a choice though because the machine said it was possible I had 99% 'Histrionic Personality Disorder' or was 90% 'Delusional'. How my wife and I laughed!
My wife also took the test and it said that she had 'Shared Psychotic Disorder, where a delusion develops in an individual in the context of a close relationship with another person, who has an already-established delusion.' Ha! Ha! I blame the silly computer programme. See you next time readers.
Friday, 1 June 2007
Mr. Bogey told SS 'It's a disgrace that members of the Church are having to make such a large contribution to the repair of our ugly Victorian monstrosity. I don't know whether we'll be able to raise it in time. If people want irrational but deeply held beliefs to prosper in Saltburn, they'll just have to dig deeper in their pockets!'
He went on to say 'Our church has almost ten members. Services are regularly attended by an average of five or six people on a Sunday and up to three attend worship on Wednesdays, and sometimes a dog.'