Tuesday, 12 June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: Ancient Pier Rights Under Threat as EU Moves to Ban 'Scaly' Fishing

The Versive reported last month on the draconian new legislation from Europe -curse those bloody foreigners! - banning the growing of phallic shaped vegetables following the hospitalisation of a local teenager. Readers will recall that the girl had been making out with assorted carrots and parsnips on the Saltburn Allotments.

Worryingly, such incidences have become increasingly common and this escalation has seen a parallel growth online in what is now called 'vegporn'. The Versive can report that a quick look at the web reveals how popular and pervasive this craze has become. Sites dedicated to Milfs (Marrows I'd Like to F***k) are commonplace whilst fetish sites devoted to similarly unhealthy sexual deviancy are legion. In just five minutes surfing, your correspondent was directed to Total Courgette A*** F**k, Aubergine T*t WV**k, C*me on My Lettuce and Beetsha**ers.

We can report that it seems that the Eurocrats now have fishing in their sights after a spate of hospital admissions of teenagers who have contracted on fish. The conger eel and mackerel are difficult enough to extract but when the likes of sea bass and herring are inserted with the direction of the scales then they are all but impossible to remove. The men in Brussels are considering an outright ban on landing any scaly fish and, failing that, prohibition on the vending of these creatures to the under-18s.

The Reverend Lonnie Donegan-Cross from Saltburn Parish Church had a message for all young people: 'This filth must stop and stop now.' Jimmy Horace said 'F**k 'em, the fish-f**king c**t-f**kers' whilst regular columnist Doss House told the Versive that his establishment had recently invested in a new fish tank.

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