Vegetable Shock for Allotment Holders

There was uproar at an emergency meeting of the Saltburn Allotments Association last night which was being held in response to Council proposals on the introduction of the 'European Inappropriately Shaped Vegetables Regulatons' which are due to come into force from the 1st of July this year.

The produce initially affected by the regulations will be courgettes, cucumbers, bananas and carrots although Saltburn Subversives understands that it is intended that they eventually be extended to cover all phallic shaped fruit and vegetables. The regulations forbid the growing of inappropriately shaped vegetables on Council property and state that they should only be sold to the public in diced form.

A spokesperson from Saltburn Town Council, Ms Janet Hand-Wringer said 'We need to protect our children from the danger and temptation of inappropriately shaped vegetables. Only last week Saltburn Hospital was required to undertake a surgical procedure on a teenage girl who had been unable to extract a parsnip and two carrots from an inappropriate orifice.' Ms Hand-Wringer went on to say 'Parents should also ensure that their children are not accessing any of the many 'Vegporno' sites on the internet which encourage this type of vegetable abuse.'

Jimmy Horace, new chairman of the Saltburn Allotment Association said 'Fu**ing C%nts!'

For once Fred Beetroot was in full agreement with Jimmy. 'Bloody interfering do gooders. What's wrong with teenage girls coming up to my allotment and enjoying themselves. While me and Jimmy hide in the shed?'

When we spoke to Joan of 'Only Organics' she said 'There's nothing wrong with a nice nobbly organic parsnip, is there girls?'

Jimmy Trilby of 'Smurfield Supermarkets' was also against the regulations. He told Saltburn Subversives, 'We have nothing against selling only diced vegetables but what about all these large tubs of margarine and extra large condoms we got in specially for the ladies?'

Saltburn Allotment Association is organising a petition against the new regulations to be presented to 10 Downing Street. Anyone interested in signing should contact Joan of 'Only Organics'.