Thursday, 10 May 2007

Saltburn in the Fast Lane

The pace of life in Saltburn is literally getting faster, a new British-led study suggests.
People are walking 10% more quickly than a decade ago, according to research in 32 towns and villages in the north of England.

Thousands of pedestrians were secretly timed in town centres with Saltburn's residents found to be the most swift, followed by Redcar and Skinningrove. Skelton was not included in the survey.

However, the chief researcher told the SS walking faster did not necessarily mean people were getting healthier.

Professor B.S. Totter of the University of Hull, told the SS that the results provided 'a significant insight into the physical and social health of the area'.

'At one level, walking quickly is good, but if it's a way of life - if you're doing it simply to get from A to B as quickly as possible - then it goes with a whole load of other behaviours which are not quite so good for you.'

'As people speed it's not the stress, it's the result of not eating properly, exercising or seeing friends and family. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy things, such as post modernist theory, new age therapies and an obsession with your allotment '

A frenetic pace of life was found to be driven to some extent by technology, Professor Totter said communications were getting faster and faster.
'This attitude may be preventing people from engaging in truly beneficial activities such as going to the pub, drinking beer and shagging like rabbits,' he continued.

'We are constantly in touch with each other and getting back to people as quickly as we can and that's minutes and not hours. That's driving us to think everything has to happen now. Except when you try to get served in the New Seafront Hotel of course.'

The biggest changes were found in Redcar with an increase of more than 20% in the last ten years and 37% since last tuesday. Though this might be down to the shop lifting. Saltburn showed a 30% increase, making it the most frenetic town in the study.

We spoke to a few Salburn residents to get their views.

Bill Headdress of 'Insertion Sticktapes' said 'I'm definitely walking a lot faster these days. I have a lot more insertions to do since my wife left me.'

We also spoke to Barbara Penttagruel who said 'What a wonderful survey. I'm so proud. What a wonderful job you all do. What a wonderful town. Lovely.'

Mrs. Barbara Harpingon was not so complimentary 'What about all the dog muck and the litter!' she said.

When we spoke to Joan of 'Only Organics' she told us 'Ooh yes!Yes! Yes! I'm walking a lot faster too. I think it's my new 'Pocket Rocket!' ( I think Joan might have misunderstood the question -Ed.)

Professor Roger Dribble, when we interviewed him at the Seaview Nursing Home said 'this study is surveyist. Lyotard promotes the use of Surveyist Camp to challenge class divisions.'
Sandra McSquirt, Professor Dribble's carer said, 'you don't do much walking though do you dear? Not since you were tagged, after that business with the post modernist graffiti on the flag poles.'

Colonel Betty Threepwood said 'I'm walking backwards for Christmas.'


Bill of 'Insertion Stickytapes' said...

dear subversives

Did I tell you about the bird I met from Wales. Phooar! Graet company, drinks like a fish and loves my insertions!..and then there's the one from Northallerton..cor!...

Very Married Man said...

Shut up Bill!

Very very married man said...

Yuo hold him down and I'll kick him.