An old people's home in Saltburn found itself under siege from two drunks yesterday.
But these were no ordinary drinkers - the tipsy pair were post modernists who had come upon some fermented apples outside the Seaview Nursing Home in Marine Parade.
The cow and her calf developed such a taste for the intoxicating fruit they refused to bow to police attempts to chase them away from the home.
Police officers were forced to take tougher measures to make them leave, bringing in an analytical philosopher with his dog.
'We had to read excerpts from David Hume's 'A treatise of Human Nature' to get them to leave,' a police spokesman said, 'but the real clincher was a reading from the 'Collected Works of Jeremy Bentham,' by the duty philosopher. After that they left without further trouble.'
The only thing police needed to do to ensure the pie-eyed pair did not return was remove the remaining apples, police chief Benny Wittgenstein said.