tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82484468102539861652024-03-14T18:50:16.946+00:00Saltburn SubversivesSaltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.comBlogger205125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-53597388358199975932007-08-17T21:23:00.000+01:002007-08-17T21:26:06.641+01:00Time Flies Like an ArrowFruit flies like a <a href="http://www.bananamuseum.com/">banana</a>.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-10090935846632136602007-08-15T14:53:00.000+01:002007-08-15T15:18:35.383+01:00Footwear Protest in SaltburnResidents of Saltburn will have noticed a regular fixture outside Smurfield's Supermarket of late where a protest has been taking place by The British Larger Footwear Association representative,<br />Kitty Heels and her partner Justin.<br /><br />Their regular cry of "Bigger Shoes", can be heard in the town square most mornings and is intended to raise local awareness of the harm that can be caused by shoes that are too small.<br /><br />"This is a problem that could be easily solved if the political will existed," said Kitty, "as well as raising awareness on this issue we will be collecting money to help people with chronically tight shoes."<br /><br />We wish Kitty and Justin well on what is obviously a very big issue for them.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com57tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-64634022381981051122007-08-13T20:33:00.002+01:002007-08-15T15:19:33.477+01:00PCSO ControversyTeesside police force today said they had employed lobsters as Police Community Support Officers after it emerged that two had already been recruited. <p>Despite being just out of school, Teesside Police has hired the duo, whose duties will involve confiscating alcohol - from bivalves. </p><p> </p><p>The move by Teesside Police has triggered a row about public safety and allegations that forces - and the Government - are trying to "police on the cheap".<br /></p>But other forces today claimed they would hire arthropod PCSOs, including Humberside which currently has a 17-day-old on the books, Northamptonshire which had two lobster PCSOs , Durham, Staffordshire and Norfolk forces, which all said they did not have any lobsters working but would consider hiring them.<br /><br /><p> Teesside Police insisted the pair of arthropods had been given the job because they had the necessary skills. </p><p> "We have recruited these lobsters because they demonstrated the skills that we need," said the spokesman, "They may not be very pretty, but boy can they scuttle!"<br /></p><p> "They bring experience of being able to interact with the public, especially molluscs. If you are good enough you are old enough." </p><p> </p><p>The development is the latest controversy to hit PCSOs, dubbed Blunkett's Bobbies after the Home Secretary who created them - but now being branded Blunkett's Babies. </p>Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-46244824484210988472007-08-11T09:43:00.000+01:002007-08-11T09:46:42.180+01:00Lions Turn Out to be Pussies<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LU8DDYz68kM"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LU8DDYz68kM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-5693409670836308882007-08-09T19:56:00.000+01:002007-08-09T20:10:21.307+01:00Business Booming for EddyRegular readers will recall the recent trials and tribulations of our friend Eddy Bellend detailed <a href="http://saltburnsubversives.blogspot.com/2007/07/new-start-for-eddy.html">here</a> and <a href="http://saltburnsubversives.blogspot.com/">here.</a><br /><br />Eddy called in to our offices recently to tell us that business is booming for his mobile chimney sweeping service.<br /><br />"Ever since your last article on the business, I've been very busy," he said, "in fact yesterday I was called to a house where the lady didn't even have a chimney! She just wanted me to set fire to her curtains! The fire brigade arrived very promptly I must say, although she told me she'd dialed 999 before I'd even arrived!"<br /><br />It seems Eddy's business is going from strength to strength.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-45658279824331105382007-08-09T14:18:00.001+01:002007-08-09T14:18:50.228+01:00Oh Bugger!<embed src="http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf" width="450" height="370" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" flashvars="autostart=false&token=b4a_1185655155" scale="showall" name="index"></embed>Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-78361837853089422192007-08-08T09:10:00.000+01:002007-08-08T09:14:16.717+01:00Dawkins and the "Psychic".Funny. Rest of it<a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/08/05/newage105.xml"> here.</a><br /><br />"He also meets a therapist who says she can teach him how to use his "psychic energy", a kinesiologist who "clears energy blockages in the meridian system" and a "psychic sister" who talks about Mr Dawkins senior as though he were dead, until Prof Dawkins points out that his father is very much alive."Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-50973638333455420622007-08-06T19:44:00.000+01:002007-08-06T20:00:34.584+01:00New Building RegulationsReaders are reminded that the Lavatorial Orientation Regulations come into force from the 1st 0f September with which all new buildings must comply. This means that all new buildings must be built in such a way as not to offend Muslims in that the toilets must not face Mecca. They must be specially designed so that they do not face South East.<br /><br />Councillor Jack Daw, now recovering from his recent bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania said, "Saltburn Town Council is determined to stamp out the entirely fictional curse of islamaphobia and as such is proud to be associated with this government initiative. Frankly we don't mind how much of other people's money we spend playing this absurd game of gesture politics and holier than thou"Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-57498468801802549052007-08-05T08:06:00.000+01:002007-08-05T08:22:34.329+01:00Library NewsThe library sex hot line, as detailed <a href="http://saltburnsubversives.blogspot.com/2007/05/announcement-from-saltburn-library.html">here</a>, has been a run away success, according to town Librarian Maggie Wood.<br /><br />"The hot line has been so successful that we have been able to substantially increase our collection of Victorian erotica," she said.<br /><br />"We thought it might be time to do something for the ladies, so in September every book, CD or DVD that we lend to a lady Library member will be accompanied by a saucy picture of a Fireman!"<br />she continued. "We've printed a large number of extra membership application forms in anticipation of an increase in demand."Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-81984678292439677732007-08-04T09:03:00.000+01:002007-08-04T09:05:12.782+01:00Why You Don't Die When the Sun Goes DownFunny if it wasn't sad.<br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZLG-XYuB-Mc"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZLG-XYuB-Mc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-71570226284819166052007-08-02T20:27:00.000+01:002007-08-02T20:43:06.042+01:00Saltburn Country Women's AssociationTwenty six ladies of the Saltburn Association met on the fifth of July.<br /><br />Jayne Smythe won the items in a matchbox competition with 91 items of various descriptions being fitted into a small matchbox. Allegations of box tampering were dismissed after a steward's enquiry. Jayne's long time rival, Betty Harpingon was disqualified after failing a routine drugs test and is now facing a ban of six months. Our congratulations to Jayne who won a bottle of wine and a fireman's phone number.<br /><br />This month's meeting takes place on the seventh of August. The committee has asked us to point out that although the usual 'Bingo-Wings' competition will be taking place, anyone found to have consumed an inordinate number of Pot Noodles or peanut butter will be disqualified.<br /><br />May the best lady win!Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-30587716304977035122007-08-01T20:08:00.000+01:002007-08-01T20:19:58.364+01:00Urgent Request from the Fire Brigade.Saltburn Firechief, Paul Wanger has been in touch with the Subversives to warn of a spate of chimney fires in the town lately. He's told us that the brigade is being called out two or three times a day to burning chimneys in Saltburn and householders are being advised to take more care when lighting their fires and to ensure that their chimneys are swept regularly.<br /><br />"My men are only human", he told us, "there are only so many times that a fireman can insert his hose into a chimney. Frankly my men are approaching the point of exhaustion!"<br /><br />So ladies, please take more care when you need warming up and make sure that things don't get out of control.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-66595895070810081152007-08-01T19:40:00.000+01:002007-08-01T19:59:25.208+01:00Quack of the Month AwardThis month's Quack of the month award goes to Katherine Fu whose website is <a href="http://www.my-serenity.co.uk/">here</a>. Check out the price list! Brilliant! If only we all had the front to charge this sort of money for a load of bullshit. We'd all be rich.<br /><br />Katherine scores 8 out of ten on the Quackometer which states<br /><br />"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind.,"<br /><br />The usual bucket of cow dung is on the way to you Katherine!<br /><br />NB We do need the bucket back. Recent awardees have not been very cooperative in this respect. We feel we must point out that this blog is run on a shoestring. We cannot continue to make these awards unless we get the bucket back. Afterall there are so-o-oo many bullshit merchants in Saltburn (and surrounding area- Katherine!), we'd soon be bankrupt otherwise!Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-38046505682630392672007-07-30T20:04:00.000+01:002007-07-30T20:05:43.152+01:00Tip for TazzHow to avoid having to serve customers<a href="http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/archives/5751-How-to-hide.html"> here</a>.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-70475279334941657712007-07-28T08:33:00.000+01:002007-07-28T08:35:46.982+01:00HarptallicaJust what Saltburn Folk festival needs<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xppNIBGzxYs"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xppNIBGzxYs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />website <a href="http://harptallica.com/index.html#music">here</a>!Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-52754028280007115892007-07-27T21:05:00.000+01:002007-07-27T21:52:52.550+01:00Folk Festival LatestFollowing our recent announcement regarding the Folk Festival, Death Metal fans will be pleased to learn that two legendary members of 'The Butthole Symptoms' will be making a guest appearance.<br /><br />Lead singer Fecal Staines and legendary guitarist Skidd Marks will be performing an acoustic version of their top ten hit, 'The Grapes of Wrath,' taken from last year's hit CD 'Colonoscopy,'<br />whilst simultaneously buggering a gerbil, to draw attention to climate change.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-48150771607077038332007-07-27T20:17:00.000+01:002007-07-27T20:31:32.585+01:00New Honour for Skelton<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YzzategYDMc/RqpHtvG0oII/AAAAAAAAAJ0/2QhVcgFQy_g/s1600-h/llama.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YzzategYDMc/RqpHtvG0oII/AAAAAAAAAJ0/2QhVcgFQy_g/s400/llama.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5091961179760533634" border="0" /></a><br />Saltburn Subversives understand that the Department of the Ungulate Environment and Heritage is about to designate Skelton an 'Area of Outstanding Natural Bestiality.'<br /><br />A spokesman from the Department said, "We've been meaning to make this award to this funny Skelton place for some time, in view of its reputation but we couldn't remember where it was. My assistant, Smallcreep says it might be up north somewhere. So there you are."<br /><br />We understand that any proposed change or improvement to ungulates in the Parish of Brotton and Skelton will now be subject to the usual planning regulations.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-31855648203568651472007-07-27T11:12:00.000+01:002007-07-27T14:01:48.234+01:00Death Metal Comes to SaltburnOrganisers have told SS that this year’s Saltburn Music Festival is set to expand yet again. Folk music will remain the biggest draw and centrepiece of the festival but recent years have seen the addition of a Jazz Stage, a Comedy Tent and rave style disco. This year a new Death Metal Stage will see bands appearing at The Mick public House on Wallaby Street. Bands already confirmed are given below.<br /><br /><strong>Corpse Christie </strong><br />Christian hardcore death metal band fronted by the enigmatic local vicar of St. Darren’s Lonnie Donegan-Cross, Corpse Christi are truly original exponents of the genre. They use their music to promote their own insane version of Christianity and the gospel stories provide surprisingly apt lyrical material for a death metal band. ‘Thorny Crown’, ‘Scourge My Pillar’, ‘Nailed’ and their homage to Kurt Cobain ‘Smells Like Apostle Carcass’ are typical of their work. Not for the faint of heart or, indeed, Richard Dawkins.<br /><br /><strong>Arsehole Detonation</strong><br />Regular appearances at The Mick have seen this local band rise from nowhere to an appearance on Radio Cleveland’s’ ‘Riffing’ programme within a matter of mere years. Enjoying massive local support, the groups’ cover versions include a medley of songs paying tribute to international rock god and blue plaque nominee David ‘The Perm’ Coverdale. Book your tickets early to avoid disappointment.<br /><br /><strong>Rite of Sayten</strong><br />Doom-laden riffs and sinister low-registered vocals from local auctioneer John Sayten and his latest outfit. Their latest material offers a new take on the genre. Titles from their new CD, ‘Gut the Chesterfield’, ‘Boxes of Shite’, ‘Rusty Tool Abuser’ and ‘Fucked Dining Suite’, provide a flavour of the key themes. The band will also be offering a smattering, or should that be splattering, of covers. Just make sure you don’t talk when he’s playing.<br /><br /><strong>Devilled Kidney</strong><br />Covers band with a difference, the Kidney play mainstream pop death style. The lyrics are adapted too but there’s no mistaking the original numbers. Expect heavy, heavy versions of Yes’ ‘Owner of a Dodgy Heart’, Elvis Costello’s ‘Oliver’s Broken Army’, Guns n’ Roses ‘Parasite City’ and Abba’s ‘Have You got the Shites Fernando’.<br /><br /><strong>Rancid Pussfuckers</strong><br />Expect controversy and mayhem from this Skinningrove quartet who recently hit the national news when the Police, instructed by the Health and Safety Executive, closed down one of their gigs in Great Ayton. The climax of their show features the mad metallers head-banging to their anthem ‘Lanced Boil’ which reached number 7 in the Kerrang chart. Unfortunately, the group’s stage props were not to taste of the authorities. During the final chorus a huge bucket marked ‘cyst effluent’ appeared on stage at which point singer, Norman Cadaver, began throwing it at the audience. The Fuckers were released after it later transpired that they had earlier made a secret bulk purchase of homemade pea soup from Saltburn’s Only Organics.<br /><br />Talks are still ongoing to secure other acts. Local bands tipped to appear are New Marske cross-over garage death-punk band Wank, Tapeworm fronted by Saltburn Hospital Radio DJ Steven Ulcer and Redcar’s Knob Vessel. Acts from further afield are rumoured to include Sweden’s Scombid Artery, a three-piece band from Belgium called Grunt, Anaesthetist from Plymouth and Mancunian doom merchants Terminal Tumour.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-81199730111618048672007-07-26T14:00:00.000+01:002007-07-26T14:32:05.080+01:00A Message from 'Brown Owl'Leader of the Salturn Brownie pack, Petronella Horse-Box, has been in touch with the Subversives<br />to explain a few changes in official Brownie policy and with some words of advice for parents.<br /><br />"We are looking to cut down on the number of available merit badges, so that the money saved can be spent on extra ammunition for the up coming 'Duck Derby.' The existing badge awards 'Safe Sex', and 'Assembling Flat-Pack Furniture,' will be amalgamated, and a single badge will be awarded in future entitled 'Handling Erections'," Miss Horse-Box explained.<br /><br />"Parents are reminded that Brownies representing Saltburn at the Duck Derby must present themselves with clean weaponry. Ammunition will not be issued by the armoury unless gun barrels and firing mechanisms are spotlessly clean! A clean weapon is an accurate weapon I always say! Please remember also that the use of decoys attached to land mines or other explosive devices is being discouraged this year as it tends to spoil the fun for other participants and attract anti-social elements such as people from Skelton, and I don't want to have to use the Brengun again this year."Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-26883840760608901172007-07-25T11:04:00.000+01:002007-07-25T11:21:33.298+01:00Tree Fossil Discovery<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YzzategYDMc/RqckFOySUgI/AAAAAAAAAJs/P_JXYCt6eQo/s1600-h/shoe+tree.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_YzzategYDMc/RqckFOySUgI/AAAAAAAAAJs/P_JXYCt6eQo/s400/shoe+tree.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5091077576052593154" border="0" /></a><br />Recent erosion of the coastline around Saltburn caused by gerbil warming has exposed a number of fossilized trees to the light of day. Professor Dribble of the Saltburn campus of Hull University has been examining them in an attempt at classification.<br /><br />"The best preserved example we believe to be a Gucci Shoe Tree, which was very common in this area during the Cretaceous period," he told Saltburn Subversives, " they began to die out when we elected a socialist council and such bourgeois fripperies were banned, although a small population is believed to survive in the vicinity of Victoria Terrace."<br /><br />An artist's impression of the Gucci Shoe Tree is pictured right.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-63385667925322559562007-07-25T09:33:00.000+01:002007-07-25T10:05:38.952+01:00Council Drops One!Attentive readers will be aware that the new 'Politically Correct Forenames Act' is due to come into force on the 1st of August. Details <a href="http://saltburnsubversives.blogspot.com/search?q=politically+correct+forenames">here</a>.<br /><br />Councillor Jack Daw has issued the following ststement from his hospital bed where he is convalescing from another bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania.<br /><br />"This Council is determined to eliminate the curse of Islamophobia from our society and consequently the names Kevin and Ian have been added to the list of unacceptable forenames. Unfortunately, due to an oversight the Council has been unable to pass the necessary enforcement measures regarding the legislation and will not be in a position to ensure compliance for at least two weeks after the 1st of August. We deeply regret the inconvenience caused to the people of Saltburn and assure them that a thorough going and wide ranging review of Council procedures will now take place. This review is expected to take at least five years."<br /><br />Councillor Daw is expected to resume his duties shortly.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-15181286936674953102007-07-24T12:23:00.000+01:002007-07-24T12:35:46.375+01:00New Start for EddyRegular readers might remember the troubles experienced by Eddy Bellend detailed<a href="http://saltburnsubversives.blogspot.com/2007/07/heartfelt-plea-to-blogmeister.html"> here</a>.<br /><br />Eddy has been in contact again to explain that he is now starting a mobile chimney sweeping service on the suggestion of a friend. So far business has been picking up he said, "I wasn't convinced at first. It seemed like a silly idea! But I've had one customer so far and she didn't seem to mind when I accidentally set fire to the chimney with the combined chimney sweeper and flame thrower. I'm now much more optimistic, and it won't take long for my eyebrows to grow back."<br /><br />We can only wish him well.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-87633791833260601992007-07-23T20:34:00.000+01:002007-07-24T09:12:06.055+01:00Martians Unaffected by Floods NASA Claims!Unlikely news from the red planet <a href="http://marsrovers.jpl.nasa.gov/gallery/video/movies/opportunity/OpportFINAL-640x360_H_264.mov">here</a>.<br /><br />Probably filmed in a warehouse in the Nevada desert, like their earlier stuff.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-51546593498343474312007-07-23T15:25:00.000+01:002007-07-23T15:45:29.212+01:00Fireman Shuns Shag Shock!Female residents of Saltburn were shocked yesterday as news reached them that one of the town's Fireman, (who can't be named for his own safety) had failed to give one of their number a good seeing to yesterday.<br /><br />Firechief, Paul Wanger told the Subversives. "A full investigation is being carried out and we can assure the Ladies of Saltburn that if any intentional dereliction of duty has taken place disciplinary proceedings will be commenced immediately. It may be the incident took place due to a medical condition. We did all we could at the time, rushing to the scene with the usual Fire Service specialist porno movies and little blue pills but by the time we got there the victim was suffering from shock. We believe that she is still under sedation and staying with friends."<br /><br />"The lads are having a whip round to get her a new Rabbit for when she recovers," Mr. Wanger continued, "as a gesture of goodwill."<br /><br />An outraged Joan of 'Only Organics' commented "You just can't rely on anyone these days!"Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8248446810253986165.post-20468968166319820882007-07-23T15:16:00.000+01:002007-07-23T15:21:20.203+01:00Beer CalendarNext month's Beer Calendar is <a href="http://www.beerfestivals.org/calendar/august.html">here</a>.Saltburn subversiveshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01770311218349007593noreply@blogger.com0