Monday, 2 July 2007

New Chinky Opens

Although Saltburn is already generously blessed with a cosmopolitan array of fine eateries, the Versive is pleased to announce the opening of another new restaurant in our town.

Brainchild of Saltburn-born, internationally acclaimed sushi chef, Wok Mi Daft, The Dragon’s Slit will open to the general public next Wednesday. Offering an impeccably modern Chinese, Japanese and South Korean cuisine, the Slit will be featuring traditional delicacies such as live squid and octopus.

The Slit is also looking to corner the high end in the oriental eating out market for the whole of Teesside. To this, er, end, the restaurant will be offering the latest in flamboyant Chinese hospitality - the penis. Those seeking out the high life, Mao-style, will need rather bigger wallets than your average eastern peasant farmer. Entry-level prices begin at £46 for the penis of a dog or wolf but rise steeply for the more exotic specimens. £60 buys gratin of donkey penis drizzled with a white wine reduction, £85 gets you a cobra’s knob in aspic whilst you will part with over £120 for the house special of walrus penis with a foreskin sausage of jellyfish and ground locust.

Praise for the restaurant has been effusive. Here is a video of some scenes from the celebrity-studded invitation-only preview night.

MP Jimmy F****** C*** Horace said ‘They come f****** over here eating all our f****** squid and using up all our f****** walrus penises, the c****. They’ll be storing the f****** things in the f****** local swimming f****** pool next, the f****** slitty eyed c*****, getting their f****** squid pregnant just so they can get a f****** council house.’

Joan from Only Organics gave a cautious welcome to the new venture but warned that it was important that any live creatures at the restaurant were treated humanely and paid the proper minimum wage. ‘Saltburn has a long and proud history of cruelty to animals and we don’t want this reputation tarnishing’.

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