Fun Video About Religionists

This tickled me, good points well made.

Music Music Music

The Robot Hedgers were playing in Saltburn again this week and very popular they were. I went along to see them at the community centre where they obviously enjoyed entertaining. They are a four piece Christian Rock Band who are already starting to make progress in the local music scene.

The singer is confident, the guitarist is cool and the drummer is very, very individual. The bass player is frankly peculiar. Nevertheless they brought the house down with their crowd pleaser 'Father, Son and Goalie Post' and finished with their established encore 'Semen on the Mount.'

The Robot Hedgers are doing a number of gigs in the area in the next couple of weeks, although this might be the last time we see them in Saltburn with the present line-up as the lead singer Dick Dawkins is rumoured to be leaving the band due to 'doctrinal differences'.

Euphemisms

Try the euphemism generator here.

The band names are good too.

Annual Competition Returns

Saltburn Victorian Association is proud to announce that it's annual 'Comb a Crusty' competition will take place as usual this year.

Colonel Betty Threepwood, chairwoman of the association told Saltburn Subversives, 'this is always a very popular competition in Saltburn and we always like to hold it during the Folk Festival, when crusties are at their most numerous. The large nets needed for catching your crusty/folky can be obtained from the Country Outfitters,' she continued 'and Jackie's Superstore has the correct size combs available together with a large supply of rubber gloves, essential when you are combing your crusty!'

Colonel Threepwood will be judging the competition herself this year. Entry is five pounds with all proceeds going to Saltburn in Bloom.

Vegetable Shock for Allotment Holders

There was uproar at an emergency meeting of the Saltburn Allotments Association last night which was being held in response to Council proposals on the introduction of the 'European Inappropriately Shaped Vegetables Regulatons' which are due to come into force from the 1st of July this year.

The produce initially affected by the regulations will be courgettes, cucumbers, bananas and carrots although Saltburn Subversives understands that it is intended that they eventually be extended to cover all phallic shaped fruit and vegetables. The regulations forbid the growing of inappropriately shaped vegetables on Council property and state that they should only be sold to the public in diced form.

A spokesperson from Saltburn Town Council, Ms Janet Hand-Wringer said 'We need to protect our children from the danger and temptation of inappropriately shaped vegetables. Only last week Saltburn Hospital was required to undertake a surgical procedure on a teenage girl who had been unable to extract a parsnip and two carrots from an inappropriate orifice.' Ms Hand-Wringer went on to say 'Parents should also ensure that their children are not accessing any of the many 'Vegporno' sites on the internet which encourage this type of vegetable abuse.'

Jimmy Horace, new chairman of the Saltburn Allotment Association said 'Fu**ing C%nts!'

For once Fred Beetroot was in full agreement with Jimmy. 'Bloody interfering do gooders. What's wrong with teenage girls coming up to my allotment and enjoying themselves. While me and Jimmy hide in the shed?'

When we spoke to Joan of 'Only Organics' she said 'There's nothing wrong with a nice nobbly organic parsnip, is there girls?'

Jimmy Trilby of 'Smurfield Supermarkets' was also against the regulations. He told Saltburn Subversives, 'We have nothing against selling only diced vegetables but what about all these large tubs of margarine and extra large condoms we got in specially for the ladies?'

Saltburn Allotment Association is organising a petition against the new regulations to be presented to 10 Downing Street. Anyone interested in signing should contact Joan of 'Only Organics'.

Fire at Emmanuel Church

As many of you know the fire at our church last week was put out promptly by the action of the ladies' circle. the members quickly formed themselves into a bucket chain. Special mention should be made of Mrs G. Hose-Reel who spent two hours passing water.

Once Upon A Time Up My Own Arse II

Sometimes I wonder if the year ever happens the way it is supposed to: February fill dike: March winds; April showers; May flowers. The oldest person in the community would have known the most years and would have been able to say, 'It will most likely rain this month and be cold next month'. Or to put it another way, that's where wisdom came from in those days: passed down from the elders of the tribe. Or to put it another way if something worked you did it again.
If something didn't you didn't, or if it did you did. Unless it didn't, in which case you didn't. Or possibly did, if it did otherwise you didn't.Wise words.

And that's what I've been trying to say the last few dozen articles.

Letter from the Blogmeister

One of the initiatives which I'd like to see the Council take on is the eradication of Invisible Radioactive Monkeys. They are thoroughly bad primates. Actually I find them quite attractive and I like their perfume in the summer but they have two very harmful effects. They crowd out native primates such as people from Skelton and so damage biodiversity, and because of their habit of nesting at the bottom of my garden with their extremely long tails they cause excessive damage to my other imaginary friends, the fairies.

I feel the Council should do something about it now!

Chandelier

Fancy a nice Chandelier? Try this one.

Yet Another Message from the Blogmeister

I'd like to make it known that I've always thought that people think this blog's masthead (the title style of the blog) and front cover is a bit "naff". Not enough interesting stuff like 'New! Inside! Special Feature! Turn to Page 2 Now!' Or even more interesting stuff like 'My Husband Married an Alien!' That's because I'm a useless, self-righteous middle class tosser who thinks that I should get to tell people what to think. Although I realise, of course that if I run this blog properly and professionally and actually gave people what they would enjoy, and informed them about what is really happening in Saltburn, I would make a lot of money, I much prefer occupying what I consider to be the moral high ground and talking a load of of sanctimonious bollocks that has no relation to the real world. It's much easier than thinking for myself and trying to make a real difference to this town. It is, after all, much easier being a cretinous hypocritical leftie, than engaging with reality. I knew you'd understand.

Lids

Damn...lost the lid off the pickled onions....

Snotty Kids

Brilliant idea from those practical Swedes here.

Saltburn Artists' Tiles Missing

Saltburn Artists have discovered a problem, their project manager Lauren Doolally, has told this blog. She told us 'There are some tiles missing from the roof of the building and rain is getting in, if it goes on much longer we might have to close.'

Miss Doolally went on to say 'the hole in the roof is clearly visible from the street and has been there for nearly three weeks. Despite the damage being visible to all and sundry who walk or drive past the building no one has bothered to fix it for us in all that time. It's a disgrace!'

The building, a former bakery was bought by the Saltburn Improvement Company with a one million pound 'rural challenge' grant.

Space invaders

Space Invaders with humans

The Last of the Harrisons

I remember when I was young listening to a programme on the radio called 'Dear John' - I don't remember much about it other than the first few lines of the song: 'Dear John, by the time you've read this letter I'll be gone.' Well this is my 'Dear John' letter to all in Saltburn.

At the start of 2006 the rest of my family moved to Argentina. So I'm told. I delayed my departure for a year in order to lead the church in Eden Street which I lead and until I found out where my family had gone, as they had forgotten to tell me. The year has passed quickly and as you read this I will have departed from 'Sunny Saltburn' to join my family in Argentina, although I did receive a strange postcard from my father which was post marked Australia last week. Never mind, funny how post can go astray!

It's funny how life moves on, and it is difficult to know the impact the departure of my family has had on Saltburn. Certainly my father was well known in Saltburn for his preaching and church activities, particularly with young boys. And as for Mum, she was into just about everything. She always told us she was busy with Saltburn in Bloom, flower arranging, craft work, gardening and upholstery! How she managed it all I don't know, I only know that often she did not get back home until the early hours, having had to help people to bed! But the people she helped were always very generous because I remember she would always come home with rolls of twenty-pound notes in her handbag.

Above everything however I hope that we are remembered as a Christian family in the purest sense of the word. Apart from my Mum's good works my Father's wallet was regularly opened for women in need.

It just goes to show that the Christian life can be very interesting. Me and my family will continue to pray every day that the people of Saltburn can come to know Jesus the way we do!
God bless! Love, John Harrison

Advice for Those New to the Internet

Letter from the Blogmeister

With all the hard work and self sacrifice that is involved in creating this blog it is very tiresome to receive silly hate mail from individuals with nothing better to do than criticise in an unconstructive and unpleasant way. I'm sick and tired of being accused of having some connection with 'Just Organics' and 'Make All You Can'. No, I do not. This blog is truly independent. It is a privately owned business funded by advertising and is occasionally funded out of my own pocket as a service to the community of Saltburn. Who owns it? I do. Simple as that. The blog exists on a financial knife edge but overall makes a profit. Who gets to keep the profit? I do. And that is only right and proper in every moral, legal and practical sense, for goodness sake. love from Bwian.

Letter from the Blogmeister

Saltburn is a very special place and I'm honoured to be able to produce this blog and serve Saltburn's population. There's no need to thank me. I simply do the blog to the best of my ability and get the job done. No matter how much hard work and self sacrifice it might take.

I like to think of this blog as the real voice of the people of Saltburn. And that's what this blog is. A community blog, independent of any controlling authority, self financing through advertising, not reflecting the views of anyone but me and my friends and presenting a full range of opinions from any of my friends who wish to use the facility. And that is what it is: a facillity for the people of Saltburn to use. I will print any old rubbish that people send to me. ( so long as it's from one of my friends).

This blog has become as much a part of the community as Only Organics, Make All You Can or any of my other friends' businesses. I'm lost for words. Love Bwian.

Tazz's Cassics II

Overheard in the bar,

George: 'The trouble with Huntcliffe is that Brotton's on the top of it.'

Tazz: (who lives in Brotton) 'Where's Huntcliffe?'

Completely Gratuitous Rachels

If there's one thing this blog likes as much as an entirely gratuitous Nigella, it is, of course, a completely gratuitous Rachel, and as it is the Chelsea Flower show this week, we thought we'd get some. Hope you like them.

Sofa Saga

"WE NEEDED A NEW SOFA. Ours was faded, tatty and holes were appearing bigger every day! We just didn't agree on a replacement. We'd flicked through the Argos catalogue for ideas. 'I like that one.' said Ben. 'It's hideous and I'm not having it in my house.' was my reply.

Then my husband dismissed the ones I would have in 'my house' in the same manner. I dreaded going shopping and suggested going to morning prayer at church first. So we prayed about it - and maybe our praying doesn't sound serious or worthy but it was heartfelt. Anyone who has argued about furniture, cars, houses, children's names, or whatever, and had to grudgingly compromise, settling for second best which you only sort of like, will understand. Now the sofa we eventually found wasn't in the first shop, or the second or third - but when we found it we both totally agreed. In fact, there were no occasions where one of us liked something and the other didn't. And I think that is an answer to a prayer!"

Readers' Note: The above article is not a satire. It appeared not so long ago in our esteemed town magazine. Only the name has been changed. The italics are mine. It is beyond satire. As an example of narcissistic, self pitying, god bothering bollocks it is hard to beat.

Ain't it good to know that the Great Sky Fairy is watching over your shopping needs? The explanation is simple. These people are deranged.

This is what I'd do to her new sofa.

More Japanese Weirdness

Try this. Run your cursor over the circle in the middle.

Tazz's Classics II

Following an earlier post here,

Overheard in the lounge bar,

Steven: (to six year old boy) 'What colour is cranberry juice?'

Six year old boy: 'It's red Steven.'

Talking of Steven, he once drove into a bridge. Lucky for him it wasn't this one. Scroll down to the bottom for the full enormity of the potential disaster for this particular driver.

Evolution

Following this


Here's Jesus and Mo discussing evolution.

Art Bollocks

For the current exhibition at Saltburn Art Gallery Arthur HD Bollocks has made five new video works that use televisions and plasma screens as 'spaces of physical and psychological containment.' The tvs and screens are, in turn, sited in a structural relationship to the architecture of the gallery. One hanging from the ceiling, one propping the door open, one in the window, one in the kitchen and one in the lavatory, thus creating 'a complex inter-dependency between object image and viewer,' according to Mr. Bollocks, who continued ' the work provides a kind of buttress against the pressures of modernity, mass production and global capitalism.'

At the time of our visit the gallery was empty and Mr. Bollocks appeared to have been watching the cup final.

Roof Sex

Try this

And this

Saltburn Artist Projects

If you walk behind our school students on their way home, as I frequently do , although the police let me off with a caution last time, you will see some who are very keen to call in at Saltburn Gallery. Which I would never have found otherwise. It is situated on Marske Road and is a comfortably sized venue for visitors young and old.

Saltburn Artists Projects have run the gallery since 1998, apparently. It was news to me. I expect it's news to you too. It is funded by Arts Council England Norteast to the tune of more than £20,000 per year, with a further £50,000 from the Northern Rock Foundation together with further grants from the local council, the lottery fund etc etc. Lauren Doolally, the Development Manager told me that Saltburn Artists Projects 'has a strong board of trustees with the chair coming from Leeds.'

I didn't understand. Surely we have plenty of chairs in Saltburn.

'We give the school kids sweets to make the exhibits out of yoghurt pots and stuff,' continued Ms Dolally, 'while me and the other 'Artists' get on with the important business of filling in the grant application forms. Let's face it, if we had to rely on selling our 'artworks' we'd starve to death.'

She went on to say 'Being development manager has given me good experience in screwing the public for every penny and this place has lots of potential. We aim to fill in as wide a variety of grant application forms as possible.'

It is hard not to admire Ms Doolally's comittment. A recent page from the visitors' book recorded a return visit from someone from down south which said 'We come to Saltburn regularly and always make a point of visiting this gallery. The work is invariably laughable and well worth the time.'

Marion Morrison

Roundabout Controversy

Feeling is welling up in Saltburn against a business sign being put up at a roundabout in the town centre. Several people have told us it is an eyesore and may affect the town's chances of winning the 'Britain in Bloom' awards.

Ms June Hairy who works at 'Only Organics' just opposite the roundabout said, 'It's huge, at least five centimetres by six and advertises a business that is owned by someone who isn't even one of Bwian's friends. It's not acceptable, and besides we want the council to pedestrianise the whole area so that we can extend our cafe outside and make lots of money, prevent visitors fom having anywhere to park their cars and eventually kill every business in Saltburn stone dead. Except ours of course.'

Ms Hairy continued 'People don't seem to understand that only clueless, middle class tosspots like me and Bwian should have a say in how this town is run. Otherwise how are we going to pay for the villa in Tuscany?'

When we contacted Saltburn Town Council they stated that they received £1000 per year for the sign which went towards flower beds and hanging baskets, in the town. They told us that no official complaints had been received and that the sign was good for the town.

' The last thing Saltburn wants is proper commercial development of the area, leading to prosperity and jobs for everyone.' said Ms Hairy. 'What we need is a town dependent on grants from the tax payer and the EU and which enables people like me to stay on the gravy train.'

Message from the Blogmeister

As regular resders will know, I've always seen my job as simply to produce this blog and not make any personal comment on things. I like to take a back seat and let the people of Saltburn have their say. But I feel motivated to speak on behalf of those with whom I agree but who seem not to wish to express their opinions.

As usual this blog is packed with interesting articles, as a result of all my hard work and self sacrifice . I know that all my friemds realise how hard I work, but for some reason seem to feel that they need not say so. I expect they think that I am too shy to accept praise and that I would only be embarrassed by it. It is true that I am very modest but not too modest to accept praise from my friends in Saltburn who realise what a great job I do! So come on! If you want to congratulate me on all my hard work and self sacrifice...I don't mind! And if you see me in the street and want to say thank you, please do. I don't mind. Don't hold back !

Love, Bwian

Tentacle Porn

Following this, here is something we don't share with the Japanese. Although I can see it might catch on in Skelton.

A Message from the Blogmeister

This blog is organising a market day in Saltburn on Saturday, June 9th with the help of 'Only Organics'. We would like to offer stalls to local businesses, artists, local crafts people and anyone else who would like to sell or promote their locally made items or local services. We particularly welcome those of my friends who are new to markets. All our stalls are provided readily erected so all you need to do is bring your items for the day. It is lots of fun, a chance to meet new people and have fun and earn some money in a fun way!

An application form can be obtained from Joan of 'Just Organics' in Station Street. If you are not one of my friends please mark the envelope 'Not one of Bwian's friends' so that we know where to put it.

Love, Bwian

Once Upon A Time Up My Own Arse.

'Never cast a clout till May is...or is it Never...erm...flout a cast till the May be lout or erhm ..' I'm sure you know what I'm saying. Ancient wisdom that. Or is it? And what about global warming eh? I'm doing my bit. I've just put my thermal underwear away till next winter, have you? You know what I'm saying.

The merry month of May eh? Maypoles and merry men eh? And young lovers enter the green wood to gather knots in May. Or is it nuts? ZZZZZzzzzz.

Uhh! Uh! (yawn) oh, and I remember the space race when I was young. And why do some people earn more money than I do and I got a tax demand this weekZZZZzzz. Progress eh? sometimes it's a good idea. And sometimes it isn't.You know what I'm saying.

Uh!! And I went to Whitby on the bus yesterday (change at Loftus) ZZZzzzzzz... rail reorganisation ZZzz... cars, global warming again...Yeahhh. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Days from a Downtime Dosshouse part II

Hello readers. I just thought I'd tell you about my pens. They are very interesting. I love pens because they make me feel so important when I do book signings. I love book signings because they make me feel so important. And I love pens too. Although the last time I went to W. H. Smiths to sign some books, they didn't seem to know who I was or that they should be happy to let me sign some of their books. Even though I showed them my pens which are prestigious. I expect it's all down to the great Cosmic Joker!

But I forgot to tell you about my pens! And they're so wonderful! I bought six wonderful black and silver biro pens from an important and prestigious shop in Oxford Street or somewhere equally prestigious. They're very heavy and reliable and important looking, like me. I always take them with me when I have an important book signing in Oxford Street or somewhere equally prestigious and important. But, and this'll make you laugh!!! I can't find my important and prestigious pens since the police confiscated them at an important and prestigiuos book signing! It must be that great Cosmic Joker again!! See you all next week....

Warning to Men

Following our recent warning to women here, we have one for Men here.

The 'Flag poles' Exhibition at Saltburn Theatre

Saltburn Subversives has learnt that the legendary American flag pole artist and song writer J. Stanley Lumpsen will be bringing his exciting and innovative exhibition 'Flag Poles' to Saltburn Theatre next month. It is a multi media installation featuring stunning 23 ft tall images and other printed materials, but most importantly it is a focal point of digital projection which incorporates poetry, voices, music and soundscapes illustrating the place of flag poles in art.

Asked why he would be bringing the exhibition to Saltburn Mr. Lumpsen said.

'How could I resist the persuasive testimony of so many friends and flag pole-lovers who claimed that the Cleveland region of north eastern England was flag pole heaven? Conscious that cultural change was inevitable and possibly imminent, especially in view of Saltburn’s apparent intention to join the EU, my wife Margaret and I traveled to Teesside in September, 2006. We wanted to confirm the reality of the dream-like flag pole-covered hillsides, we’d seen in magazines, guide-books and innumerable online websites.'

The introductory presentation on Friday, 2nd of June will create an awareness of what opportunities exist to create great flag poles, starting from a 'little knowledge' base line.

Everyone is welcome.

Letter from the Blogmeister

I feel it's time I mentioned something about some of the letters I rceive for publication. I do not think that the letters page is an appropriate forum for unkind remarks about my friends even if those unkind remarks are justified. Also I do not consider that the letters page should be used for attacks on my friends' businesses: if you have a complaint to make please don't hesitate to get stuffed.

It is just not fair to attempt to drag me into someone else's argument when I already do so much hard work on behalf of the town. Also, the opposite is true: praise for Saltburn businesess is very nice but the letters page is not intended to provide free publicity, unless it's for businesses owned by my friends. It is for letters about important things like this blog and all my hard work and self sacrifice. And litter and dog waste.

Love Bwian.

Phew! That was such hard work.

Silly Place Names

American writer, Tim Dowling, living in this country explains what he likes about it.

' Sometimes, during traffic jams, I play a game in the car with my children and the map, asking them to guess which of a list of local place names I have made up: Craze Lowman, Hand and Pen, Pant, Droop, Trull, Splatt, Gussage All Saints, Hole, Shitebowl Episcopi. They always get it right, because I am not British and therefore cannot begin to imitate the sublime purity of oddness. '

Rest of it here.

Tazz's Classics

Tazz's classics is an occasional series sponsored and suggested by Bill''s 'Insertion Sticky Tapes',

Overheard in the lounge bar,

TAZZ: 'Steve, do we sell cranberry juice?'

STEVE: 'Yes we sell Schweppes cranberry juice.'

TAZZ: 'Where is it?'

STEVE: 'It's in the bar. On the shelf with the other fruit juices.'

TAZZ: 'What colour is it?'

Tazz goes through to the bar. Much gaitey ensues.

SUBVERSIVE: (Once calm has been restored) 'How does he sell orange juice?'

STEVE: 'We have to put labels on that say 'Orange'.

Join the Cranberry Club here. Make sure you play the video.

A Politician Writes

Councillor Jack Daw, leader of the local council has provided Saltburn Subversives with an 'All Purpose' statement to be used in response to any tragedy, from a terrorist attack to a cat stuck up a tree. All we have to do is fill in the blanks as appropriate, apparently. Here it is.


'Of course [insert details of unfortunate event or events] are a uniquely tragic event, and it is vital that we never lose sight of the human tragedy involved. However, we must also consider if this is not also a lesson to us all; a lesson that my political views are correct. Although what is done can never be undone, the fact remains that if the world were organised according to my political views, this tragedy would never have happened.

Many people will use this terrible tragedy as an excuse to put through a political agenda other than my own. This tawdry abuse of human suffering for political gain sickens me to the core of my being. Those people who have different political views from me ought to be ashamed of themselves for thinking of cheap partisan point-scoring at a time like this. In any case, what this tragedy really shows us is that, so far from putting into practice political views other than my own, it is precisely my political agenda which ought to be advanced.'

(if you liked that read the original in full here. Brilliant)

An Announcement from Saltburn Library

Saltburn Town Council has launched a "sex hot line" to raise money for the library, officials said yesterday.
'I know it's unusual, but it's not particularly raunchy' said Maggie Wood, the town librarian. 'Callers pay 27 pence a minute to listen to me read passages from Saltburn's extensive collection of erotica dating from the Victorian era,' she continued breathlessly.

'The Town Council set up the hot line this month to help the library raise cash for planned refurbishment and expansion,' explained Miss Wood, 'and we need more dirty books'.

World's Funniest Joke

A couple of poachers from Skelton are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. His mate whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Stay calm. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The man's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

More On The Dawn Chorus Crackdown

Following recent articles on antisocial song birds SS has been contacted by Councillor Jack Daw
who stated,

'I now know why the asbo against antisocial song birds isn't working. In my tireless efforts on behalf of the people of Saltburn and by use of a stool-pigeon, I have now obtained a copy of the order served on the leader of the gang, Tommy Blue-Tit. It states that the birds are banned from 'not singing in a manner likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to members of the public.' Rest assured I will be taking this matter up wth the police in an effort to get the order ammended so that this social menace can be ended once and for all!'

PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer was unavailable for comment as he is away on a course entitled 'Geographic 'Ownership' and Accountability'

Videos We Like

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr_RgOTum3M



http://fp.ignatz.plus.com/vwbomber.mov


And this

'American commanders cite al-Qaida's severe brand of Islam, which is so extreme that in Baqouba, al-Qaida has warned street vendors not to place tomatoes beside cucumbers because the vegetables are different genders, Col. David Sutherland said.'

Entirely Gratuitous Nigellas

We at the Subversives have always liked gratuitous Nagellas. So we thought we 'd get one. We hope you like it as much as we do. In fact we liked it so much we thought we'd get more than one.

Erection Science

Saltburn bred hamsters deliver more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital according to Professor B.S. Totter of Hull University. Their venom stimulates an hours-long erection. Now scientists have figured out the chemical that seems to be responsible for the penis boost.

The hamsters concerned come from the infamous Attack Rodent Institute in Ruby Street Saltburn. Staff in casualty at Saltburn Hospital can immediately spot the victims of a bite from a Saltburn attack hamster. Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also sport an uncomfortable erection.

"The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets bitten by this hamster will experience along with the pain and discomfort," said study team member Christine Bleach of the Medical College of Boosbeck. "We're hoping eventually this will end up in the development of real drugs for the treatment of erectile dysfunction."

Watching the English

Kate Fox believes that we live in a 'negative politeness culture' whereas most of the rest of the world lives in a 'positive politeness culture'. The main exceptions being the Japanese who, oddly enough, also seem to share our fascination with bottoms.

What the lovely, if rather skinny, Miss Fox means is that in England it is polite not to talk to strangers, whilst elsewhere it is. The exception to the rule, she says, is when you are at the bar, where talking to strangers is almost compulsory. And that is why the English like pubs.

We think the English like Pubs because Pubs sell beer.

Saltburn in the Fast Lane

The pace of life in Saltburn is literally getting faster, a new British-led study suggests.
People are walking 10% more quickly than a decade ago, according to research in 32 towns and villages in the north of England.

Thousands of pedestrians were secretly timed in town centres with Saltburn's residents found to be the most swift, followed by Redcar and Skinningrove. Skelton was not included in the survey.

However, the chief researcher told the SS walking faster did not necessarily mean people were getting healthier.

Professor B.S. Totter of the University of Hull, told the SS that the results provided 'a significant insight into the physical and social health of the area'.

'At one level, walking quickly is good, but if it's a way of life - if you're doing it simply to get from A to B as quickly as possible - then it goes with a whole load of other behaviours which are not quite so good for you.'

'As people speed it's not the stress, it's the result of not eating properly, exercising or seeing friends and family. It can lead to all kinds of unhealthy things, such as post modernist theory, new age therapies and an obsession with your allotment '

A frenetic pace of life was found to be driven to some extent by technology, Professor Totter said communications were getting faster and faster.

'This attitude may be preventing people from engaging in truly beneficial activities such as going to the pub, drinking beer and shagging like rabbits,' he continued.

'We are constantly in touch with each other and getting back to people as quickly as we can and that's minutes and not hours. That's driving us to think everything has to happen now. Except when you try to get served in the New Seafront Hotel of course.'

The biggest changes were found in Redcar with an increase of more than 20% in the last ten years and 37% since last tuesday. Though this might be down to the shop lifting. Saltburn showed a 30% increase, making it the most frenetic town in the study.

We spoke to a few Salburn residents to get their views.

Bill Headdress of 'Insertion Sticktapes' said 'I'm definitely walking a lot faster these days. I have a lot more insertions to do since my wife left me.'

We also spoke to Barbara Penttagruel who said 'What a wonderful survey. I'm so proud. What a wonderful job you all do. What a wonderful town. Lovely.'

Mrs. Barbara Harpingon was not so complimentary 'What about all the dog muck and the litter!' she said.

When we spoke to Joan of 'Only Organics' she told us 'Ooh yes!Yes! Yes! I'm walking a lot faster too. I think it's my new 'Pocket Rocket!' ( I think Joan might have misunderstood the question -Ed.)

Professor Roger Dribble, when we interviewed him at the Seaview Nursing Home said 'this study is surveyist. Lyotard promotes the use of Surveyist Camp to challenge class divisions.'

Sandra McSquirt, Professor Dribble's carer said, 'you don't do much walking though do you dear? Not since you were tagged, after that business with the post modernist graffiti on the flag poles.'

Colonel Betty Threepwood said 'I'm walking backwards for Christmas.'

£ Make All You Can £

Piers Banker of the 'Make All you Can' shop in Saltburn has been in touch with details of their forthcoming training and therapies.

Marjorie Gull will be conducting sessions in energy breathing and rebirthing. Learn how to breathe energy well, and breathe away diseases and physical or emotional pain. A half our session is £75

Jennifer Money-Belt will be offering regression and reparenting,whereby the patient must wear a nappy, suck his thumb and drink from a baby bottle to be cured. One hour will cost £100

John Stash uses hypnosis to discover the patient’s past or future lives as an alien abductee, in an effort to help them. Sessions start from £300 for 2 hours.

Arthur Ripov practices Primal Therapy, in which the patient must rid herself of Primal Pain, which can be eradicated only by learning the Proper Way to Scream and punctuate. One hour is
£150.

Anyone tempted by the kind of new age bollocks peddled in the 'Talk of the Town' should read this. And this.

Antisocial Songbirds

Following a communication from Colonel Betty Threepwood, (see letters to the Blogmeister), regarding the above, Saltburn Subversives contacted Councillor Jack Daw for his comments.

Cllr. Daw said, 'These birds are thumbing their noses at the law! Rest assured I'll be taking the matter up with the police!'

PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer, was unavailable for comment as he is on a 'team building excercise' in the Lake District.

Ladies of Skelton

In view of a recent complaint from one of the above (see letters to the blogmeister) here is a video on a subject close to their hearts, by way of sincere apology. Yes ladies...tattoos!

Toilet Paper

Q. Who said this?

'I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. '

A. Sheryl Crow, here.

Wha??

Fire Under Your Buttocks

"Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries," Tanaka said. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks."

Sozzled Post Modernists Threaten Old Peoples Home

An old people's home in Saltburn found itself under siege from two drunks yesterday.

But these were no ordinary drinkers - the tipsy pair were post modernists who had come upon some fermented apples outside the Seaview Nursing Home in Marine Parade.

The cow and her calf developed such a taste for the intoxicating fruit they refused to bow to police attempts to chase them away from the home.

Police officers were forced to take tougher measures to make them leave, bringing in an analytical philosopher with his dog.

'We had to read excerpts from David Hume's 'A treatise of Human Nature' to get them to leave,' a police spokesman said, 'but the real clincher was a reading from the 'Collected Works of Jeremy Bentham,' by the duty philosopher. After that they left without further trouble.'

The only thing police needed to do to ensure the pie-eyed pair did not return was remove the remaining apples, police chief Benny Wittgenstein said.

Olde trip

For those of you concerned about the recent Greene King takeover of Hardy Hansons and the consequent likely shortage of the above here is the location of your supplier should life beome too stressful in the future.

This was a public service announcement on behalf of the alcoholics of Saltburn.

Flag Pole Vandalism

Since posting the recent article on flag pole painting Saltburn Subversives has learnt of a wanton act of vandalism involving flag poles. Mr. Norman Wadds, of The New Seafront Hotel claims that the flag poles in his beer garden have been daubed with offensive slogans.

'Gratuitously post-modern slogans have been scrawled all over my flag poles,' he said 'one of them appears to read 'Flag poles are a part of the meaningless nature of reality- Derrida.' And another says 'Flagpoles are fundamentally elitist- Lyotard'. He went on to say 'I don't understand these people, how could they be so destructive?'

We understand that a 38 year old man from Bolton is helping police with their enquiries. PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer was unavailable for comment as he has been on compulsory 'Deversity Training' since the much puplicised incident with the illegal immigrant, the goat and the barmaid from Skelton.

Bullshit!

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Bullshit Bingo is a way to change all of that!

Flag Pole Painting in Saltburn

A new course will soon be available on the Saltburn campus of Hull University.

The Vice-Chancellor, Professor Roger Dribble gave Saltburn Subversives the details.

'The course is in three parts,' he said, 'the first part is called, 'Precultural flag pole painting and capitalist materialism,' in which the subject is contextualised into an objectivism that includes language as a whole. But if predialectic nihilism holds, we have to choose between capitalist materialism and the materialist paradigm of flag pole painting.

The second section is entitled, 'Capitalist theory and neotextual flag pole painting,' in which Lacan, amongst others, promotes the use of textual subcultural theory to attack outmoded perceptions of flag pole painting. However, Sartre uses the term ‘objectivism’ to denote the difference between class and flag pole painting, spelling and postcultural theory.

Part three concerns 'Flag pole painting and post-post structuralist theory. 'Narrativity is part of the paradigm of flag pole painting, says Foucault; however, according to Reicher, it is not so much narrativity that is part of the paradigm of flag pole painting, but rather the stasis, and some would say the dialectic, of narrativity. Therefore, Bataille uses the term ‘capitalist theory’ to denote the bridge between flag pole painting and truth.'

Professor Dribble's carer said, 'Now then Professor Dribble, you know you have to be back at 'Seaview' before 6 pm for your tea. It's fishfingers tonight, you like fish fingers don't you dear?'

Professor Dribble is from Bolton.

Anyone interested in the course should contact the professor at the Seaview nursing home on Marine Parade, where the requisite medical professionals are available.

Council Controversy

Councillor Jack Daw was embroiled in further controversy last night as he proposed the installation of an atomic cannon on Huntcliffe, aimed at Skelton.

'I am proposing this as official council policy to act as a deterrent, only to be used as a last resort' he said, outside the town hall. 'We all know something needs to be done!'

Councillor Robbo Johnson, leader of the opposition, disagreed. 'Mr. Daw has obviously stopped taking his medication' he said. 'It's an outrageous suggestion. The loss of income to the council from the scrap value of abandoned cars in Skelton, if it was obliterated would be disasterous! Council Tax would have to go up! The people of Saltburn won't wear it!'

We took a quick straw poll of residents to see how they view the matter.

PC Stanley Mole, Saltburn's Community Police Officer said, 'This proposal is superficially attractive, there is no doubt that crime rates would fall dramatically throughout the East Cleveland Area but I don't fancy redundancy and would urge the people of Saltburn to oppose it.'

We also spoke to to Jimmy Trilby, manager of Smurfield's Supermarket, who said, 'But what would we do with all these frozen pizzas? We have an entire warehouse full, earmarked for Skelton. And It'll mean job losses at the pot-noodle factory!'

Fred Beetroot said 'I want one of them for my allotment. That'll sort Jimmy Horace out, the fu!??ng c%nt!'

Joan of 'Only Organics' said 'Oohh, what a lovely big bang that would be!'

Colonel Betty Threepwood was more positive 'I've been advocating this policy since 1953. I remember it well. I was in the parachute regiment you know. We'd just been demobbed and I...oh dear I'll have to go home, I think I left my husband in the microwave again. He will be cross!'

This controversy will obviously run and run. To air your view, leave a comment.

SS

Another Joke about Poo

....except this isn't a joke.

'First of all, I must say it feels a bit weird to be sending pics of my poo to complete strangers...but all in the name of good sportsmanship! It felt even stranger to TAKE pics of my poo...' REALLY?

Impotent Announcement

Joan, the lady formerly known as the proprietor of Just Organics, wishes to announce that her shop is henceforth to be known as Only Organics. This is because it only sells organic wares. The 'just' incorporated as part of the previous name might imply 'merely' as if organic things were not important. Joan does not wish to convey such an impression.

Folk Weekend

Folk Weekend is soon upon us. If you can help house any of these folksters contact SS now!

Jimmy 'Fucking Cunt' Horace in Allotment Coup

He may boast the largest hen coup in Saltburn but last night Jimmy Horace, affectionately known as 'Fucking Cunt', pulled off a coup of a very different kind. With temperatures rising at the Annual General Meeting of Saltburn Allotments Asphyxiation, he roasted current chairperson (apologies to Theresa May) when he proclaimed:

'Enough of this breezeblock envy and sapling jealously! Vote Jimmy and it'll be free Talisker's for all'

Fred Beetroot, ousted chairperson, is rumoured to be grassing him up for drunken rotor-vating.

Bush Administration Declares War on Saltburn

Many readers will be familiar with the rogue countries collectively dubbed the 'axis of evil' by United States President George W. Bush. Yet few would have imagined that the humble and upstanding town of Saltburn-by-the-Sea near Teesside would be next on Dubya's hit-list.. Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Cuba, Libya and Syria may threaten stability in the Middle East, yet, in an address to the nation state of Texas yesterday, the President made this robust and unequivocal pledge:

'The people of the world have rallied round to support the US-led War on Terror. But Islamism is not the only fruitcake. Today, I want the world to know that the United States will be unremitting in its War on Victoriana. Our intelligence services tell me that there is a regressive town in the North East of England which harbors a so-called 'doctor' who does experiments on stem-cell research. As if that were not condemnable enough, sources also tell us that every year the inhabitants dress up in old-fashioned costumes and parade the streets pretending that everything was better when the UK ruled the US during the Victorian period. Citizens of the United States of America, we're gonna nuke these bastards.'

Councillor Jack Daw told our reporter 'bring him on'.

Days from a Downtown Dosshouse

Hello readers. I have always wanted to have a column in which I can write about myself and use a lot of clichés. Well would you know it, last month my dream came true. The editor of this noble blog asked whether I'd be interested in sharing all my hilarious anecdotes about my amusing life and making trite observations about cutlery drawers. This, I thought to myself without the merest suggestion of smug self-regard, sounds like just the job for yours truly.

This though, fair readers be warned, is just my introduction. I won't be saying anything funny until next week. But once I get into the spirit of it, I'll be serving you a veritable smorgasbord of platitudinous patter with a slight hint of irreverence sometime verging on the risqué. I think of myself as a kind of Terry Wogan with a daft moustache. See you all next week……..

Crosswords

Win a £10 voucher for Just Organic kindly donated by Joan of jam fame.

Letters to the Blogmeister

ASBOs for Birds in Dawn Chorus Crackdown

The government has come in for considerable criticism over the way in which Antisocial Behaviour Orders have been perceived as an attack on young people but nobody could accuse Redcar and Cleveland's new council of taking a blinkered approach.

Their trailblazing policy aspires to nothing less than the eradication of nuisance noise emanating from feathered creatures in the middle of the night. In his declaration of war on early morning birdish revelry, Councillor Jack Daw, Cabinet Member for Serenity and Dog Shit, told Mawk of the Frown:

'Nobody on the doorstep mentioned the Iraq war, climate change or even the introduction of yet another type of bin for the recyling of meringues and other spongeless cakes. The biggest issue by far was people being woken up unceremoniously between 4 or 5 o' clock by damn birds. It's especially bad at this time of year. This week alone we slapped ASBOs on 5 blackbirds, 3 chaffinches, 6 robins, 2 songthrushes and a particularly squawky blue tit. These birds show no respect or consideration for anybody but themselves and their selfish attempts to attract mates.'

Residents with information about any carousing birds in their neighbourhood should ring the council's 24-hour Birdline on 012827 6257482.

How to Get Round the Smoking Ban

Would this work do you think?

Cream Treatment

Don't fall for this girls!

An Appreciation of Bar Staff and Publicans

We subversives are second to none in our appreciation of a good publican and those engaged in the noble profession of serving behind the bar. We hold them all in the highest esteem. Well almost all of them. There is one exception. Without naming names, all I can say is that it is a jolly good thing the person concerned does not live in the Sudan, as this article clearly demonstrates.

Whip-round for a one way air ticket, perhaps?

Drinking is Good

Great article on pubs and drinking here.

Those Naughty Muslims

Thinking of joining those naughty muslims?...tempted by those 72 virgins?...after all there aren't that many in the whole of Saltburn!...or anywhere near...or at all.....really.

WELL HERE THEY ARE.....

Still tempted? No?!!...you need some sensitivity training...

One for the Darwin Awards

Ever thought Teesside may be the spiritual home of 'The League of Gentlemen'?

Here's proof if proof were needed. If the right page doesn't load search 'bizarre death of church man'

The last paragraph is a cracker.

'Mr Kemp's organ is now kept in the church and used in services as a way of remembering him, he added.'

You could not make it up

'

Joan's Column

Fresh, Middle-Aged and Up for Owt

Tips and hints for like minded ladies from Joan of 'Just Organic'.

Hello Girls!

Here's something you will like. Free packet of 'Warming fluid' with every issue!


Well girls, it's happened to us all...you're almost there...when...the batteries start to run out!
Now I have the answer. I've found a great brand that just goes on and on!! Try them and you'll see what I me-E-E-E-A-A-NNN...ooo!...nice one!!!......

(Joan's a bit busy at the moment. What she meant to say was that she recommends Panasonic Extra batteries. More Bang for your Buck. Apparently.)

Hello again girls. phew! Next week's column will definitely be about food. Bananas and cucumbers mostly. Surprising how versatile cucumbers can be! In fact I've got one in now! Byee!

If you would like to help Joan with her column please e-mail your suggested contributions to our adddress. She is particularly keen on hearing from men between the ages of 19 and 25. She also likes large contributions.

Bottoms

Bottom feel strange? Try this.

Better now?

The Birch Hall Inn

Has any one been to this place? It seems to regularly win awards and even has an entry in wikipedia. Any good?

see also

Creepy, Creeping Creationism

Here is an advert from the March edition of our 'much loved' local magazine, 'Talk of the Town'. Sharp-eyed readers will notice a little cartoon in the bottom right hand corner of page 13, whereby the God Botherers appear to be poking fun at evolutionary biology.


Who would you trust your children's education to...scientists who make logical deductions from a mountain of observable and testable evidence...or a bunch of ignorant, unqualified and unscientific god botherers. You choose.

Anybody who allows their children to be exposed to this type of creationist drivel or so called 'Intelligent Design' is guilty of child abuse. Any one actually exposing them to it should be taken out and shot. Twice.

If you don't believe me try here




Cheers SS

Welcome to Saltburn-by-the-Sea

Here it is folks. A labour of love it is too. 'Talk of the Town', our beloved local magazine. Whilst we would all agree our esteemed editor's editorials are almost beyond parody...we still like to try.


This Week's Letter from the Blogmeister,

My, oh my, another week, another blog. Your trusty blogmeister greets the weekend with a mixture of relief and a rather large tad of exhaustion. OK, it might look easy producing TOTF but most people have no idea of the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes into producing this, all on behalf of the Saltburn community.

I might have to work like a black to get the blog out on time, but let's not forget all the contributors who sweat like asylum seekers in a customs queue to produce our regular columns. Days from a Downtown Dosshouse, Once Upon A Time Up My Own Arse, Joan's Jams (written by Joan from Just Organic) and Whipping Buoy in which we weekly affix with sticky tape a particularly despicable individual from the community to a ball of anchored plastic half a mile off Huntcliff - (Please note that the tape is kindly donated by one Bill Headdress of the Sticky Tape Company) - all this and more don't come to you without a great deal of jolly hard work. And all skillfully interwoven and intricately and liberally (obviously not in the party political sense) interlaced with a great big dollop of superstition-rousing from a brace of Churches and assorted adverts for dream-catchers and crystal cures. Jeepers, it's darned work it all is. Anyway, that all from me for this week. Don't be shy about posting comments about how good the blog is or making commendations about any of our sponsors.

Lend us a quid!

Love from Bwian