The C*** in Cabinet Shock

They mocked the new prime minister’s entreaties to Pantsdown to join his government as a cynical attempt to destabilise the Lib Dems (though the party is amply equipped to that without the help of the Pride of Kirkcaldy, mysteriously pronounced Kirkoddy) ). After his Downing Street proclamation that he would he would create a government of ‘all the talents’, they teased that his newly announced cabinet was a bunch of has-beens, fawners and fuckwits, all of whom were Labour Party persons. Yet Gordon Brown’s latest appointment to his cabinet might make some politically disillusioned hacks eat their words after all.

Today, on his way to much his heralded first appearance before the Select Committee for Caving In To Religious Vested Interests, prime minister Brown had time to announce a late addition to his new cabinet. Jimmy F****** C*** Horace, President of Saltburn Allotments Association, some time civil rights campaigner and general battle-hardened veteran of the 11 (am) o’clock swill, is to join the government as Secretary of State for Public Discourse. Mr. Horace will also take over the vacant position of Keeper of the Queen’s Whiskeys.

The prime minister was keen to stress the importance of Mr Horace's role. This is not some Orwellian surveillance operation aimed at suppressing the noble words of the working class but an attempt to improve the sometimes impoverished standards of the public conversation. Once thought of as past his sell-by date, recent years have seen something of a renaissance for the minister. Concern about climate change, once the sole preoccupation of bekaftaned acid-crazed students reading ecology, has now become mainstream and Horace's pioneering and prescient championing of the allotment movement and organic food had turned him into something of celebrity.

Of his appointment, Mr. Horace claimed that he was ‘f******* grateful to that jock c*** for giving me this f****** chance to get rid of the them f****** Muslim
c*****. ’ In a kind of reverse Theresa May, the newly minted minister also requested that the media respected his wish to be henceforth known as the Chairwoman of Saltburn Allotments Association.

Councillor Daphne Mewling said ‘this is political incorrectness gone mad’.