Time Flies Like an Arrow

Fruit flies like a banana.

Footwear Protest in Saltburn

Residents of Saltburn will have noticed a regular fixture outside Smurfield's Supermarket of late where a protest has been taking place by The British Larger Footwear Association representative,
Kitty Heels and her partner Justin.

Their regular cry of "Bigger Shoes", can be heard in the town square most mornings and is intended to raise local awareness of the harm that can be caused by shoes that are too small.

"This is a problem that could be easily solved if the political will existed," said Kitty, "as well as raising awareness on this issue we will be collecting money to help people with chronically tight shoes."

We wish Kitty and Justin well on what is obviously a very big issue for them.

PCSO Controversy

Teesside police force today said they had employed lobsters as Police Community Support Officers after it emerged that two had already been recruited.

Despite being just out of school, Teesside Police has hired the duo, whose duties will involve confiscating alcohol - from bivalves.

The move by Teesside Police has triggered a row about public safety and allegations that forces - and the Government - are trying to "police on the cheap".

But other forces today claimed they would hire arthropod PCSOs, including Humberside which currently has a 17-day-old on the books, Northamptonshire which had two lobster PCSOs , Durham, Staffordshire and Norfolk forces, which all said they did not have any lobsters working but would consider hiring them.

Teesside Police insisted the pair of arthropods had been given the job because they had the necessary skills.

"We have recruited these lobsters because they demonstrated the skills that we need," said the spokesman, "They may not be very pretty, but boy can they scuttle!"

"They bring experience of being able to interact with the public, especially molluscs. If you are good enough you are old enough."

The development is the latest controversy to hit PCSOs, dubbed Blunkett's Bobbies after the Home Secretary who created them - but now being branded Blunkett's Babies.

Lions Turn Out to be Pussies

Business Booming for Eddy

Regular readers will recall the recent trials and tribulations of our friend Eddy Bellend detailed here and here.

Eddy called in to our offices recently to tell us that business is booming for his mobile chimney sweeping service.

"Ever since your last article on the business, I've been very busy," he said, "in fact yesterday I was called to a house where the lady didn't even have a chimney! She just wanted me to set fire to her curtains! The fire brigade arrived very promptly I must say, although she told me she'd dialed 999 before I'd even arrived!"

It seems Eddy's business is going from strength to strength.

Oh Bugger!

Dawkins and the "Psychic".

Funny. Rest of it here.

"He also meets a therapist who says she can teach him how to use his "psychic energy", a kinesiologist who "clears energy blockages in the meridian system" and a "psychic sister" who talks about Mr Dawkins senior as though he were dead, until Prof Dawkins points out that his father is very much alive."

New Building Regulations

Readers are reminded that the Lavatorial Orientation Regulations come into force from the 1st 0f September with which all new buildings must comply. This means that all new buildings must be built in such a way as not to offend Muslims in that the toilets must not face Mecca. They must be specially designed so that they do not face South East.

Councillor Jack Daw, now recovering from his recent bout of Tri-Bellicose Monomania said, "Saltburn Town Council is determined to stamp out the entirely fictional curse of islamaphobia and as such is proud to be associated with this government initiative. Frankly we don't mind how much of other people's money we spend playing this absurd game of gesture politics and holier than thou"

Library News

The library sex hot line, as detailed here, has been a run away success, according to town Librarian Maggie Wood.

"The hot line has been so successful that we have been able to substantially increase our collection of Victorian erotica," she said.

"We thought it might be time to do something for the ladies, so in September every book, CD or DVD that we lend to a lady Library member will be accompanied by a saucy picture of a Fireman!"
she continued. "We've printed a large number of extra membership application forms in anticipation of an increase in demand."

Why You Don't Die When the Sun Goes Down

Funny if it wasn't sad.

Saltburn Country Women's Association

Twenty six ladies of the Saltburn Association met on the fifth of July.

Jayne Smythe won the items in a matchbox competition with 91 items of various descriptions being fitted into a small matchbox. Allegations of box tampering were dismissed after a steward's enquiry. Jayne's long time rival, Betty Harpingon was disqualified after failing a routine drugs test and is now facing a ban of six months. Our congratulations to Jayne who won a bottle of wine and a fireman's phone number.

This month's meeting takes place on the seventh of August. The committee has asked us to point out that although the usual 'Bingo-Wings' competition will be taking place, anyone found to have consumed an inordinate number of Pot Noodles or peanut butter will be disqualified.

May the best lady win!

Urgent Request from the Fire Brigade.

Saltburn Firechief, Paul Wanger has been in touch with the Subversives to warn of a spate of chimney fires in the town lately. He's told us that the brigade is being called out two or three times a day to burning chimneys in Saltburn and householders are being advised to take more care when lighting their fires and to ensure that their chimneys are swept regularly.

"My men are only human", he told us, "there are only so many times that a fireman can insert his hose into a chimney. Frankly my men are approaching the point of exhaustion!"

So ladies, please take more care when you need warming up and make sure that things don't get out of control.

Quack of the Month Award

This month's Quack of the month award goes to Katherine Fu whose website is here. Check out the price list! Brilliant! If only we all had the front to charge this sort of money for a load of bullshit. We'd all be rich.

Katherine scores 8 out of ten on the Quackometer which states

"This web site has more quackery than my village pond. It shows no sceptical awareness and so should be treated with a suspicious mind.,"

The usual bucket of cow dung is on the way to you Katherine!

NB We do need the bucket back. Recent awardees have not been very cooperative in this respect. We feel we must point out that this blog is run on a shoestring. We cannot continue to make these awards unless we get the bucket back. Afterall there are so-o-oo many bullshit merchants in Saltburn (and surrounding area- Katherine!), we'd soon be bankrupt otherwise!