Time Flies Like an Arrow

Fruit flies like a banana.

Footwear Protest in Saltburn

Residents of Saltburn will have noticed a regular fixture outside Smurfield's Supermarket of late where a protest has been taking place by The British Larger Footwear Association representative,
Kitty Heels and her partner Justin.

Their regular cry of "Bigger Shoes", can be heard in the town square most mornings and is intended to raise local awareness of the harm that can be caused by shoes that are too small.

"This is a problem that could be easily solved if the political will existed," said Kitty, "as well as raising awareness on this issue we will be collecting money to help people with chronically tight shoes."

We wish Kitty and Justin well on what is obviously a very big issue for them.

PCSO Controversy

Teesside police force today said they had employed lobsters as Police Community Support Officers after it emerged that two had already been recruited.

Despite being just out of school, Teesside Police has hired the duo, whose duties will involve confiscating alcohol - from bivalves.

The move by Teesside Police has triggered a row about public safety and allegations that forces - and the Government - are trying to "police on the cheap".

But other forces today claimed they would hire arthropod PCSOs, including Humberside which currently has a 17-day-old on the books, Northamptonshire which had two lobster PCSOs , Durham, Staffordshire and Norfolk forces, which all said they did not have any lobsters working but would consider hiring them.

Teesside Police insisted the pair of arthropods had been given the job because they had the necessary skills.

"We have recruited these lobsters because they demonstrated the skills that we need," said the spokesman, "They may not be very pretty, but boy can they scuttle!"

"They bring experience of being able to interact with the public, especially molluscs. If you are good enough you are old enough."

The development is the latest controversy to hit PCSOs, dubbed Blunkett's Bobbies after the Home Secretary who created them - but now being branded Blunkett's Babies.

Lions Turn Out to be Pussies

Business Booming for Eddy

Regular readers will recall the recent trials and tribulations of our friend Eddy Bellend detailed here and here.

Eddy called in to our offices recently to tell us that business is booming for his mobile chimney sweeping service.

"Ever since your last article on the business, I've been very busy," he said, "in fact yesterday I was called to a house where the lady didn't even have a chimney! She just wanted me to set fire to her curtains! The fire brigade arrived very promptly I must say, although she told me she'd dialed 999 before I'd even arrived!"

It seems Eddy's business is going from strength to strength.

Oh Bugger!

Dawkins and the "Psychic".

Funny. Rest of it here.

"He also meets a therapist who says she can teach him how to use his "psychic energy", a kinesiologist who "clears energy blockages in the meridian system" and a "psychic sister" who talks about Mr Dawkins senior as though he were dead, until Prof Dawkins points out that his father is very much alive."